


Stay With Me

by serafine



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Ben Solo Deserved Better, Ben Solo Lives, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Bisexual Poe Dameron, Depression, Developing Relationship, Dream Sharing, Explicit Consent, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Dyad (Star Wars), Force Ghost(s), Force Healing, Force Visions, Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, Not Canon Compliant - Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, POV Ben Solo, POV Finn (Star Wars), POV Rey (Star Wars), Past Abuse, Pining, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Psychological Trauma, Rating May Change, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey & Rose Tico Friendship, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change, The Force, The Force Ships It, Unresolved Sexual Tension, no beta we die like men, star wars sequel trilogy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:47:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 69,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22316566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafine/pseuds/serafine
Summary: Rewrites TROS ending and goes from there.  The course of true love never did run smooth.Boy loves girl, girl really, really likes boy, boy is still a little (okay a lot) broken....How does Ben redeem himself?   How can he make up for all that he has done?  Redemption cannot automatically equal death.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Finn, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 135
Kudos: 127





	1. Stay With Me

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Be With Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22128235) by [serafine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafine/pseuds/serafine). 



> **A big thank you to chagrins for beta reading and brainstorming help!! Find her works [here](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/chagrins).**

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another take on what should have happened on Exegol...
> 
> This started off as a riff of my own work and took on a life of its' own.

As soon as Ben touched down on Exegol, he could sense Rey’s fear. He knew exactly where she was, the pull was inescapable. She had come here, alone, and was faced with such darkness. He ran towards her, with nothing but a blaster in his hand. He had no plan at all. No idea what he would do except stand with her against the Sith. The rest would take care of itself. One way or the other.

It had taken him some time to reach her. This place was huge. Ben kept calling to her. He felt the moment Rey considered if the Darkness were her true path. He too had seen the vision of a Rey consumed by the Dark Side, dressed in black, wielding a red staff saber. _No. You're not alone. I’m here. Don’t give up._ Racing towards her, he encountered the Knights of Ren. He’d lost his blaster somewhere along the way. He was unarmed and in trouble when he felt her reach for him. She’d sensed his injuries, his dismay and tension at facing his former comrades. He’d looked up and it was like she was standing right in front of him. He was surrounded and she still managed to pass him a lightsaber. His grandfather’s lightsaber. The irony was not lost on him.

They had confronted Palpatine. Together. He had felt her joy and hope singing through their Bond as he approached. They prepared for his onslaught, moving together flawlessly. Starting in the lightsaber forms Luke and Leia had taught them. But Palpatine had powers Ben had not anticipated. The Sith did not share information with apprentices as the Jedi did. He had not known such an ability even existed. Much less that it would pull them both off their feet and leave him feeling unbelievably hollow and empty.

Ben rose to his feet to face Palpatine. Rey was still unconscious. He tried bravado, and was too startled to yell as he was jerked off his feet and sent flying backwards, bouncing hard against the rocks and then down into the darkness.

He felt the moment gravity took over and his trajectory started to shift. The darkness made it impossible to know for sure, but Ben tried to propel himself towards a cliff face rather than dropping into one of the yawning voids. He felt the second impact with unyielding stone and then nothing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The first thing Rey became aware of was the sound of the Force as it crackled and spat around her. Even before she opened her eyes, she knew Ben was no longer beside her. Lying there looking up to the stars, Rey could not believe the strength of Palpatine’s lightning. Driven by the essence he had siphoned off the two of them, it stretched off the face of the planet. How could she possibly do anything to stop him? Ben had come to help her and been ripped from her side. This terrifying thing claimed to be her grandfather. She felt that connection. She had seen the visions. She had sought a family for so long - a place to belong. _No. NO._ She would _NOT._ This was not her path. 

Rey took a shaky breath. Then another, calmer. She was not alone. She was not. The Force… 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Halfway down a dark chasm, Ben’s badly broken leg dangled off a cliff.

He felt someone hovering over him and opened his eyes. “You’ve got to get up, Ben. Rey is going to need you. You didn’t fight this hard to die now.”

It was his mother’s face, though her features were smoother than he remembered. Her robes dazzling white against the darkness. Her hand reached down and he felt warm energy flow into him. His leg felt more solid. His broken hip realigned.

“That’s the best I can do, right now, I am sorry. Can you stand? I need to go and - ” Her face tilted up, a moment of confusion flickered, followed by strong surprise. “Oh! I must go.” And then she disappeared in a blink.

Ben closed his eyes and reached for Rey through the link. She felt calm. But he could see the Force Lightning, so strong. He could _feel_ it.

 _I’m coming._ He somehow managed to get to his feet and started the slow climb upwards.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Be with me. Be with me._

Rey went deep within herself and felt the Force reaching out to her, the presence of dozens of Jedi strengthening her resolve. Ben’s echo was still there in the back of her mind. He lived. But he was in terrible pain.

 _Get up, child._ A male voice she did not know.

As Rey struggled to her feet, she saw a flicker out of the corner of her eye. A shimmering form. She turned – he was human. Tall, broad shouldered, with a long, slim face. He came to stand at her left side.

“You won’t do this to another Jedi, Palpatine. Not again.”

She fought to maintain her focus as she brought up one saber. Lightning arced towards her. She managed to block it with her saber. Rey could feel another presence at her right. “You never could follow the rules, but this time, I think you're right.” A gravelly voice echoed from her left. Rey felt stronger with every step, the masters beside her. 

And another presence at her left shoulder. Master Luke! “You can do this, Rey. Keep going.” 

Palpatine gloated, “Even you three cannot help her now. I have the full power of the Sith at my command!” The evil thing before her cackled and brought more energy to bear.

Rey felt the Force guiding her. “But it’s not just them. All of the Jedi are with me.” One by one, Jedi Masters flickered into view. Their light began to surround her. Rey could sense their conviction, and their strength. She could hear their voices of encouragement in her mind.

And Leia. She felt the presence of her Master strongly. 

She slowly made her way forward, finally bringing the other saber up, reflecting the force of his evil. The lightning was so loud. The sound echoed through the great chamber, rang through her bones. She could feel it through the Force like a loud, angry wail. Eclipsing everything else. And all of it focused on her.

The lightning bounced across her arms as she struggled to keep her sabers in place.

Rey wanted to scream, she wanted to flee. But she stood. One moment stretched into another. And another.

Palpatine shuddered as the lighting came back against him. 

One more moment. Her arms ached. One more. She could do this. She _would_ do this. 

The Sith Lord began to fall apart before her eyes. It seemed to happen in slow motion, and then suddenly he was gone in a painful flash of brilliant light, sweeping away not only the ghosts of the Masters but the Sith spirits as well. The power of the blast washed over Rey like a tidal wave, even causing stones to rain down from the edges of the great room.

As the last of the grey dust flew away, Rey fell to her knees, trembling with fatigue and pain. Her head bowed, sabers falling from her hands. It had all been too much.

Ben was just a few feet away from the top of the cliff, when he heard the Force Lightning stop, and felt the tremendous explosion released by Palpatine’s death. The darkness above was fading quickly. But so was the Light. _Rey. REY!_ He screamed into the link. There was no response. He felt her spirit slipping away. So quiet. So _tired._

_Rey!_ Ben's voice echoed through their Bond. She wasn’t alone. She could feel him getting closer, he wanted to see her. He was scared - no, scared for her. She tried to convey to him that she was alright, but she couldn’t seem to summon the strength.

The afterimage of the lightning on her eyes made everything blurry. Like being out on the sands for too long. Her body wouldn’t respond to her commands. The white spots grew as she slumped forward, lifeless.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ben finally made it over the edge of the cliff. He fell to hands and knees and stretched forward with the Force, frantically searching for Rey. He only found emptiness.

He could see her lying there, in the muted light of the ruined temple. She wasn’t moving.

 _No. Please, no._ A repeated, desperate internal litany as he fought his way across to her, slipping on the broken stones. His body was screaming for him to stop, to rest, but her absence was a much more painful wound.

Ben had seen more than enough death to know the truth without touching her. Her eyes were open, staring into nothingness. He’d _felt_ her die. The cold emptiness where the bright glow of her presence should be clawed at him. He reached instinctively for rage and it was not there. Only despair. His pain brought him no power. The Dark Side was no longer his place, and he hadn’t yet found his way completely into the Light.

Ben picked her up, with a tenderness he should have always shown her. He’d never held her, never kissed her. Only told her how obsessed he was with her. Only offered her darkness.

Pulling her into his chest, their encounters flashed before his eyes. Lightsaber battles. He’d tortured her, chased her, fought with her and beside her. And in her found a connection more intimate than anything he’d ever known. She’d heard his thoughts, his deepest fears, and never flinched. How could the Force let such a light be extinguished? _I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Rey. You fought so hard for me and I failed you._

There was no help here. No droids, no bacta. Just him, and her rapidly dwindling presence. He could feel her confusion, and her sorrow as she drifted farther and farther away.

Rey had healed him on Kef Bir. Could he do the same for her and bring her back? Would the Light listen to him after everything he had done? Did he even have sufficient strength to pull this off? He felt so weak - Palpatine had taken so much energy from them both. But then she might survive. And that would be enough.

Laying her down across his lap, Ben cradled Rey’s neck in his left hand and laid his right hand on her side. He closed his eyes and _believed_ , in a way he had not done for years. He gave her every part of himself. He imagined her heart beating, blood flowing through her veins. Her laugh, her strength, her sarcasm. _Come back Rey, please._ He whispered into their Bond. _Please, I can’t lose you, not now._ He felt her presence growing stronger.

And then, impossibly, Ben felt her draw a breath, and her hand fell across his own. Bit by bit, that intangible cord knit itself back together, healing the Bond between them. It was like stepping out into the sunlight. Then Rey was sitting up, color in her cheeks, as if someone had thrown a switch. She was smiling. _Oh, by the stars, it worked._ Her brown eyes seeking answers in him, asking through the Bond, _Wasn’t I dead? What did you do?_

Ben knew the truth. He was growing cold. The ache in his side intensified. He was losing sensation in his legs. But it didn’t matter. She was alive. That was everything.

Rey’s warm hand cradled his cheek and then she kissed him. A kiss that set his nerves on fire. Ben felt a smile crease his face, knew there were tears in his eyes. When was the last time he had smiled? That he had known genuine joy? He couldn’t even remember. The edges of his vision were closing in, and he knew he was running out of time.

He gathered every feeling of love and admiration that he possessed for her and poured it through the link. There was no way he could tell her all he wanted to, even if he had a hundred years, much less a few fleeting moments.

And then he was falling backwards, looking at Rey, haloed by the light coming through the ceiling. _Ben!_ He heard her shout echo through the Bond. Felt the warmth of her hand on the back of his neck as he collapsed.

Rey could always feel his stubbornness, the way he challenged everything, but now, there was simply acceptance, and even peace. His skin was so pale, purple shadows under his eyes. She grabbed his hand in her own, and felt his heart slowing, felt the Bond between them fraying. He was dying.

Rey _refused_ to accept this. _You will not leave me._ She pushed life energy back into him, sustaining him for the moment, but she knew it wasn’t nearly enough to last. _Keep breathing. Keep breathing for me. You wouldn’t let me go, why do you think I can let you go?_

The Masters had been there before, maybe they would help her again. _Be with me, be with me. Please…_

Her desperation interfered with her concentration. Nothing was happening. _Why was the Force quiet now?_ It seemed to take forever, but finally, someone returned. The very first Master to appear beside her.

He had the saddest eyes she’d ever seen as he looked down at her, and then at Ben. He dropped to one knee and laid a hand on either side of Ben’s face. “You’ll need to help me.”

Rey closed her eyes and focused on the Force, expanding her senses. There was so much Darkness in this place. But there was Light as well. She felt Leia appear behind her, followed almost immediately by Luke. Ben’s energy was faint, but still there. Together, she and the Masters began to heal some of Ben’s wounds. Rey felt along Ben’s spine, finding fractures. She could sense them. The Master in front of her guided her, as she imagined the injuries closing, his pain easing.

Ben’s heart rate increased sluggishly, and he felt warmer to the touch. _Don’t leave me all alone again,_ she whispered into his mind.

Rey opened her eyes to see the Master’s form slightly faded, looking exhausted. She was about to ask his name when the realization hit her. “You’re Anakin, aren’t you.”

“Smart girl.” He smiled. “Please, tell my grandson that I am proud of him.” And then he simply faded from view.

She turned to the twins, “You’re not alone, Rey,” Leia told her.

Luke nodded in agreement. “We will see you again.” And then they disappeared.

Nothing could surprise Rey at this point. She was the granddaughter of a terrifying Sith Lord. Ben had come to fight for her. She had _died._

Rey closed her eyes and concentrated. Ben seemed stable, but unconscious. How had he gotten this hurt? She had sensed multiple injuries before, what were they like now? She imagined him passing through a medical scanner. The pain in his body led her to what needed attention. He was going to be a black and blue tomorrow. A lump on the right side of his skull. His neck was fine. A crack in his right shoulder blade, and the joint was damaged. Some pain in his right arm and the left side of his rib cage was a mess. There was no longer damage in his back. Further down, there were cracks in his right hip bone, the right thigh bone had a thin fracture, and his lower left leg was still badly broken, the foot twisting inwards.

Focus on what you can fix. Set the leg while he’s out. Looking around, Rey saw armor on the dead guards. And a polearm. Keeping her senses open to Ben’s condition, she scrambled to her feet and got to work.

After setting Ben’s left leg, and scavenging what supplies she could find, she sat beside him and meditated for a time, holding his hand in hers.

Rey focused on the Force, on her breath, on regaining her strength so she could get them out of here. Physically she was whole. He had healed her completely. And given her every ounce of himself in the process.

Eventually she tried healing him again. Closing her eyes, she envisioned his mangled ribs knitting themselves back together, his lungs mending and strengthening. Seeing the fractures in his hip mending. Rey heard him cough and gasp, and felt him tremble beneath her hands. She looked down to see that he was awake, but still far too pale. His dark eyes were huge.

“You don’t get to leave me so soon,” Rey told him.

“How - how did you manage this miracle?”

“You are asking me about miracles? And I had help. Twice. I will tell you every single thing, I swear. But I would very much like to do that somewhere else. Tell me exactly what hurts.”

Ben closed his eyes and admitted, “Everything.” He took a breath and pushed her hands away. “But you don’t get to heal me anymore. Not a bit. I will get out of here or not, as the Force wills. But you WILL be leaving here on your own two feet. Nothing else matters.”

“You can’t mean that.”

“Oh, the hell I can’t.”

“Fine.” She handed him part of a polearm from one of the guards, the blade cut away. “I thought you might need this.”

Slowly, Rey helped him to stand. Ben looked down at the splint. “Thank you for setting my leg.”

“You’re welcome.” With his left arm over her shoulders and the makeshift staff in his right hand, they started slowly moving. 

“You kissed me.” He sounded genuinely delighted.

“I did. And once you’re stronger, maybe I’ll do it again.” 

Ben smirked. “I’d like that.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, my. I've thought about it (so much), and I genuinely like the story choice of Ben willing to give his life for Rey's. It is appropriate. It also should not be his ending.
> 
> Upon rereading this, I didn't make it as clear as I wanted. The second Master who appears and snarks is Mace Windu.
> 
> More to come. VERY soon.
> 
> Comments are welcome. Feedback is good for your karma.


	2. Back with the Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey tries to settle back in with the Resistance, and begins to process everything that happened on Exegol.

After the second failed attempt at getting Ben up into the TIE fighter, Rey looked over at him sprawled out in the dirt beside her and said, “This is ridiculous. What a terrible design.” 

He glared at her. “They’re not exactly built to be landing craft. And you’re the one who stole my Interceptor - it would have been so much easier for me to get into.”

Rey rolled her eyes. She could feel the throbbing of his various wounds. Falling twice trying to get up to the top hatch had not helped anything. “We’re swapping ships. You take the X-Wing, I’ll take the TIE.”

“You want _me_ to fly an X-Wing?” Ben sounded almost insulted.

“What - are you saying you can’t do it?”

His haughtiness instantly returned. “I can fly anything.” Sitting on the ground, his hair a black snarl, covered in dirt, sweat, and blood, and he still managed to look like a prince.

Rey fought back a grin, wanting to needle him a bit more. “Are you sure? This _is_ an older model.”

Looking over at her ship, he cocked his head. She saw the moment realization dawned. “That’s Luke’s X-Wing.”

“It is.” Ben sighed heavily, the moment of levity evaporating beneath the weight of history.

“You say you must have some time alone and you _refuse_ to come back to the Resistance with me - what other choice do we have? Just think of it as a loan, okay? And I genuinely think we can get you into the X-Wing far easier."

“Before we do this, are you absolutely sure you can make it onto one of the Resistance capital ships before they shoot you out of the sky?”

“Yes, but we need to hurry.”

It had taken just about everything they had left, but Ben was finally settled in the cockpit of the X-wing. Rey clung to the edge of the windscreen, looking so worried. “And there is no way to convince you to come back with me?” 

“I will be fine. I need just a little time to figure things out. I can sleep in hyperspace, and can try and heal my legs when I wake up.” Ben grabbed her hand and gently pulled Rey towards him. He hesitated, allowing her the chance to withdraw. She closed the distance for a kiss. Every instinct urged him to pull her down on top of him, broken bones be damned. He knew he had been entranced by her, but had not realized exactly how much he physically desired her until their lips met.

She pulled out his recovered blaster as well as five cred sticks. “You’re going to need these.”

“Where -”

“I _am_ a scavenger, remember.” She flashed him a cheeky grin.

“You are so much more than that, Rey. So much more.” 

The look in his eyes made her blush. “I don’t know how much is here, but there should be something on them. And this,” handing over the Skywalker saber. “I guess it kind of goes with the ship.” He smiled at her attempt at a joke.

“Thank you. Now, go. There is not much fuel left in that TIE, and you need to catch a ride.” 

“Please be careful. And I’d better hear from you soon.” She was hesitant to take her hands off of him, much less let him out of her sight.

“You will.” He began the startup sequence. It was amazing this thing could still get off the ground. But he remembered how much his uncle had loved this ship. 

A lightsaber, a blaster, an old X-wing, and five cred sticks. And his _life._ How was he this lucky?

Ben watched Rey shimmy effortlessly up the wing of the TIE and jump over the pylon to the hatch. She was so graceful, and positively fearless. Popping the catch she lowered her legs into the cockpit. She paused to give him one last wave. He waved back and lifted off.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ajan Kloss was a lush emerald jewel compared to the endless greys and black of Exegol. Rey smiled just looking at it. Fighters and old freighters and ships of every kind were appearing out of hyperspace. Anyone who wished to help further were told to come here. The sight of this many ships was wildly encouraging.

The moment her feet touched the ground, Rey was in search of her friends. She knew there had been considerable losses, but could sense Rose, Finn, and Poe somewhere in the thick of the crowd. Maz found her first. “Well? What happened?”

Rey knelt down, hugged the smaller woman and whispered in her ear, “Leia saved her son.”

“I suspected as much.” Stepping back she added, “When you need to talk, I am willing to listen.”

“Thank you.”

Rey stood with a smile and went off in search of the rest of her friends. Poe gave her hell about coming back to the fleet in a TIE fighter. Finn’s eyes followed her almost constantly. He knew _something_ had happened to her, he just hadn’t put it together yet. 

The reunion had been raucous all around and the party lasted well into the night. Everyone was happy to be back on solid ground after more than a day spent in hyperspace. Rey fell into an exhausted slumber almost the moment her head hit the pillow. She had dreamed. Of Ben, of Palpatine, of voices and lightning. Of dying. That had been the strangest one of all.

Rey finally awoke about mid morning, hearing repairs beginning outside. Almost every ship had taken fire, and there was a great deal of work to be done. She visited the refresher, and headed out to find food. Finn would want answers. Another item on her list for the day…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Midmorning, Poe walked up and said, “Grab your stuff, you’re moving.”

"What?! Moving where?”

Poe smiled. “One of the volunteer freighters had some duraplast shelters on board and they were nice enough to donate them when they saw where we’ve been sleeping. You’re going in one. We have more people than fit comfortably in the caves, so some of the command staff are getting actual quarters. You are on that list.”

“But I’m fine where I am,” she protested.

“Nope. You need some privacy. You don’t sleep well as it is. Humor me, okay? Please?”

Rey made a grumbly noise. “Fine. Is Rose on that list, too?”

“Of course, she is.” Rey narrowed her eyes and sighed.

“Give me a minute to gather my things.”

“Can I give you a hand?” Poe offered.

Rey nodded. “Thanks.”

After about two hours, Rey looked around her new quarters and grinned. It was not very big, or terribly well climate controlled, but it was _hers_. A place for her workbench, a small crate beside a little bed in the corner. Someone had scrounged an actual chair for her to sit on while she worked. There was even a transparisteel window looking out towards the ships. Setting her small lamp beside the bed, she crossed to the door and headed out to see how she could help.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was late afternoon when Rey finally spoke to Finn in depth. He had indeed felt her death. She lied and told him one of the Masters had brought her back after just a moment. They weren’t ready to hear about Ben yet. Another Force sensitive - right under her feet. Were there others? How had she not noticed?! Because she had been _distracted._ Had been for some time, if she really thought about it. Ben had eaten up every extra ounce of perception she possessed.

At some point Finn would need training. By default, that would fall to her. But she wasn’t ready. And if he found out about her and Ben, he might not want her help.

She had to tell them everything, sooner or later. Why couldn’t this be simple?

That evening after dinner she dove back into the Jedi texts. Her notebook was filled with observations on various powers, meditation techniques… but there was still precious little information about a dyad. How exactly did this work? Were there limitations? If one of them died, what happened to the Bond? She had yet to work up the nerve to ask Ben how it had felt for him. She knew what she had perceived when he had started slipping away.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rey sat up in the dark, not sure what had woken her. Camp was relatively quiet. No screams of alarm, no cries for help. Then she heard it again - Ben’s panicked voice, almost as if he was there beside her. And then suddenly he was lying beside her on the bed. Dressed in the same clothes she saw him wearing on Exegol and sound asleep. _He must still be in hyperspace._ “Rey, no, please no,” his pleading voice full of despair. As if he sensed her, his arm stretched out and wrapped around her hips. Almost immediately his expression relaxed.

Ever so slowly, she scooched down beside him. Ben hummed and pulled her closer against him. _It’s alright, I’m okay,_ she whispered into the link. His breath was warm against her neck, his body an impossibly large presence beside her. His face was hard to see in the darkness, but he was definitely asleep. Rey took a moment to check his wounds. The splint was gone from his lower leg. That was a very good sign. He felt stronger than when they parted company.

She closed her eyes and focused on how he felt against her. The heat of his body seeping into her own was wonderful. Intoxicating and relaxing at the same time. After a few minutes, he faded away.

Force projecting while asleep. Hmmm. This was a new trick of the Bond.

This wasn’t the first time she had heard him talking in his sleep and reaching for her through the Force. Shortly after the flight from Crait, Rey had heard him having a nightmare. Her name torn from his throat in a loud cry of terrible anguish, Snoke’s name interspersed with her own. And such desperate pleas for forgiveness.

After a few moments, she simply couldn’t stand it any longer. He sounded incredibly sad. Rey opened herself to the Force and appeared beside him. Ben was tossing and turning, the pale skin of his naked back a stark contrast against black silk sheets. She’d never seen a bed so decadently dressed. As she leaned towards him she saw the briefest flash of his dream. Her dead body lying on the floor of the throne room, the dark shadow of a lightsaber wound across her throat. Laying her palm against his warm skin, Ben’s voice fell quiet. Then slowly he came awake.

“It was just a dream.”

Pushing up on his elbows, he looked at her with huge, haunted eyes, as if he’d seen a ghost. “Thank you.” His breath was still ragged.

She nodded, abruptly wildly self conscious. She was sitting in his bed, the sheets pooled low around his hips. One large, naked foot stuck out beyond them. There was no sign of what he might be wearing, if anything at all.

“Uh - good night.”

“Good night, Rey.” And she fled.

She smiled at the memory. Had she only known then where all of that was leading.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next morning, Rey dressed and then sat down on the floor to meditate. Ben’s presence was suddenly there behind her eyes, almost effortlessly. 

“Hello.” His voice a deep rumble inside her skull.

“Good morning, Ben. Where are you?”

His pleasure at hearing her voice rang through clearly the link. “Approaching Naboo. I was going to contact you once I made landfall.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Much better. Thank you.” Rey hoped that was true.

“I will leave you to your landing, then. An unfamiliar ship and all that.”

A low chuckle was his only response. “Later today, then?"

“Yes, I’d like that.”

“I will hold you to it.”

“I expect nothing less.” And she let the link go. Smiling, she went out to greet the morning.

After a quick breakfast, she sought out Maz. “I think it is time for that conversation.”

Looking up at Rey, “I agree. Shall we walk? I would have you speak freely.”

They walked a little way into the jungle and found a small clearing.

“Did something happen? I was not expecting this for several days.” 

“You could say that. You know, right, about Ben and I?” 

“The Bond you share? Yes. Leia and I discussed it. We agreed it would either save or doom you both. And there was very little anyone could do about it anyway. What happened on Exegol? Did something change between you two?” Maz was studying her carefully.

“I died. He brought me back.”

Maz blinked twice. “Perhaps you should start at the beginning.”

“Palpatine was there.” 

“So he really _is_ alive?”

“Yes. Well, he was. Though his body was attached to all this machinery.” Rey could close her eyes and see him looming above her.

“There were rumors of the Sith being able to sustain themselves after death. Clones and dark magic.”

“He wanted me to kill him so he could take control of me. I would become Empress.”

“An attractive title, perhaps.” Maz fiddled with her goggles.

“But not an attractive offer. Ben arrived. And then Palpatine started gloating about how we were two in one. He called it a dyad in the Force. He siphoned off our life energy, and I passed out. When I awoke, Ben was gone, and Palpatine was hurling lightning into the sky.” Rey shuddered involuntarily, remembering her own experience with such things.

“How did you manage to defeat him?”

"The Jedi. They stood with me. I saw only a few of the Masters, but I _felt_ the presence of so many more. I reflected Palpatine’s lightning with my sabers. When he died there was this big blast of light and it _hurt.”_ She paused, remembering the shock wave passing over her.

“My dear, that was the release of energy that typically accompanies the death of a powerful Dark Side adept. The stronger the Force user, the more intense are his death throes.”

“That explains it. It was extremely destructive. Part of the ceiling came down. The throne behind him was torn apart. And then I died. Suddenly I was outside of myself - slowly retreating. My body was just laying there, eyes open and completely still. I could see Ben as he struggled to get to me. He’d been hurt.” An image flashed through her mind of Ben crawling across the floor, legs not cooperating at all but absolutely determined to reach her.

“He picked me up, laid his hands on me, and somehow pulled me back into myself. It was more than healing. There were no large, visible wounds, nothing to knit back together.”

Maz looked at her intently. “This is very important, child, what happened next?”

“Well…” _she doesn’t mean the kiss._ “He collapsed. He was dying.”

“Ben gave you his Life Force. He traded his life for yours, your death for his own. That was the Light. A selfless act. Not at all the way a Sith would do it. But how did he survive?”

“His family came back. Anakin Skywalker. Leia and Luke. They added their strength to mine. Guided me. I was so _tired._ And frankly, panicking,” Rey admitted.

“It is understandable. He was able to recover?” She pushed the horrible memory of him starting to fade out of her head.

“Yes. We got to the surface and went our separate ways.”

“Did something happen _since_ Exegol? You seem… oddly anxious about all of this.” Maz studied her as if she was a specimen. 

“Last night Ben appeared to me. In his sleep.”

“He was asleep? The whole time?” Maz sounded surprised.

Rey nodded. “He never woke up. He had a nightmare, I heard his voice, and he suddenly appeared beside me. After a few minutes he disappeared again.”

“And you were not asleep? You are certain?”

“The sound of his voice woke me up. It took me forever to settle back down.”

Maz folded her hands together. “Well I am not sure your texts will offer any advice or precedent to guide you my child. But here is my theory.”

“When Ben brought you back from death, it intensified your Bond. And then you gave him part of that Life Force back again. When you pour the water from one vessel into another, the two fluids mix. Even if you tried at this point, I do not believe your Bond could ever be broken. Even by death. He is a part of you, and you are a part of him.”

“Oh.”

“Does that frighten you?"

Rey thought about it for a moment. “Perhaps a little. But it doesn’t surprise me.”

“You two will need to learn new boundaries, I suspect.” When had they ever had proper boundaries?

“Yes, you’re probably right. But how am I going to convince my friends not to try and kill him?”

“Who is actually aware that Ben survived?”

Rey thought for a moment. “I hadn’t actually considered that… I am not sure anyone is, except for you and me.”

“For now, that might be the safest thing for you both. I have lived a long time and I have seen many things. People can forgive almost anything. Or hold the pettiest of grudges over nothing.” 

“Thank you, Maz.” Someone else who might actually be on Ben's side. How wonderful.

“I am happy to help. The boy walked a hard road. Not _everything_ that happened was entirely his fault. I believe there are those who will understand, eventually.” 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was almost sunset. Rey was waist deep in an engine when she felt Ben’s Force signature brush up against her own, almost like a question. _One moment, please,_ she whispered inside her head.

Putting down her tools, she sat down on the floor outside the hatch. Opening herself to the Force he shimmered into view, standing before her. “Hello, Rey.”

Ben looked so different from the last time she saw him. He was wearing new clothes - a deep purple shirt tucked into black pants with a dark grey jacket. No blood, no dirt. Hair clean and shiny, swept back from his forehead. Black belt, a blaster on his right thigh. Handsome and tall, he smiled down at her.

“I like the purple very much.”

“Black just didn’t seem right somehow.” Rey grinned in response.

“No, I expect not. Have you found a place to stay?” He gingerly sat down on the floor beside her.

“Yes, I think so. I need to do a little more scouting, but I haven’t seen any sign of settlements nearby. There is plenty of open space on this planet. How are things with you?”

“Good. Still a little sore here and there, but mostly fine.” Rey could detect his various aches and pains bleeding through the link. His ribs were still sore, as was his hip. “Are there any ill effects from what happened?”

 _When I died?_ She shivered slightly, trying to keep her voice light. “None that I can tell. I feel pretty good. How is the X-wing holding up?” 

“A little twitchy. But nothing I can’t fix.” She wondered briefly how often the Supreme Leader played technician.

“I’m glad. I have a question - do you remember your dreams last night?” Why was she nervous about his answer?

“Yes. Why? Did you see them?” The tone of Ben’s voice told her they had not been pleasant.

“No, but you were talking in your sleep, and then you appeared beside me.”

“I don’t remember that at all. I’m sorry, I didn't mean to intrude.” Ben looked away from her, as a brief flicker of shame slipped through the Bond.

“You didn’t intrude. I think you were having a nightmare. I was glad I could help before it escalated.”

“The Bond - it hasn’t done that before, has it?”

“Not that I know of. I’ve heard you talking in your sleep, but I went to you. After Crait.” _You sounded so tortured, how could I stay away?_

“I remember that. I honestly thought you were part of the nightmare at first. It’s a shame we don’t have access to the ancient Jedi texts, they might provide some insight.”

Rey bit her lip. “I have them. Here.”

“What?! How?” She'd genuinely surprised him for once.

“I took them. After Luke destroyed the hut. I was leaving anyway - to come to you.”

“You _stole_ the Jedi texts, didn’t you?” He looked so _amused_ and almost proud. “And I remember that night well. I was worried about what happened after I left. I was afraid Luke would do something to you.” _I hoped he would blame it all on me._ Rey heard his thoughts as clear as if he had spoken them aloud.

“Actually I’m the one who attacked him.”

Ben looked genuinely shocked. “Why?”

“I demanded to know the truth about what happened that night. I told him that you would turn if I went to you.”

“I almost did. After we defeated the Praetorian Guards, I kept telling you to let go. It was me who couldn’t let go. I had no idea what would happen if I went back with you.” _I was terrified._ _And I didn’t want to be alone anymore._ Was he projecting on purpose?

“And you did turn, eventually. You made that choice. It just didn’t happen the way I thought it would.”

“The future never does.” He sounded very sad.

“Luke regretted everything that happened between the two of you.”

Ben nodded. “I know. He told me on Crait. And I could sense the truth of it. I just buried it under the anger. Along with everything else.” He ran his hands through his hair. “By the stars, I have so much to make up for.”

Rey reached out and put a hand on his knee. “We’ll figure it out. I’ll help you.”

He nodded and she could feel him trying to focus on the here and now. “The Bond. Have you looked in the texts for any answers?”

“There are a few places, but they talk about Bonds that form between master and student. Nothing like what we have experienced. Maybe I can find more now that I know what I am looking for.”

“I also talked to Maz about it.”

“Maz Kenata? Huh - of course she’s here.” He sighed. “Did she have advice?”

“She thinks the Bond is probably unbreakable now.” 

Ben’s face suddenly went very still, almost a mask. But his eyes spoke volumes. “Do you wish to sever our connection?”

She grabbed his hand. “No! No, that’s not what I mean. After you brought me back, the Bond is stronger, more...intimate. She said that it would likely even survive death.”

“Ah.” His smile could light up the blackest night.

“How long do you intend to stay on Naboo?”

“I’m not sure, honestly. At least a few days. I need time to start to figure out who I am again.”

“Okay. If I can help somehow, please let me know.”

“I will. I won’t keep you - it looks like I caught you in the middle of something. And I have to finish setting up camp.” He slowly rose to his feet and pulled her up after him.

Ben’s left hand came up to her face. “May I contact you again tomorrow?”

Rey nodded. He leaned down and kissed her gently on the cheek. He tried to step back and she snagged his collar to pull him down for a long, tender kiss on the lips.

She smiled and let go of his shirt. “Good, see you then.” He disappeared with a lopsided grin on his face.

Her heart considerably lightened, Rey got back to work.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come. Working on editing. Feedback is good for your karma!!
> 
> If I could write this in order, it would be SO helpful, but the Muse refuses to be cooperative...
> 
> In my mind, Ben figures out how to heal himself from Rey - extrapolating the theory, as it were. She reads about it in the Jedi texts, and I cannot imagine there is not a blurb in there about self healing. Healing was a Force Power in the old d6 West End roleplaying system.


	3. Conversations

Rey could see herself, naked and lovelier than she had ever been, gasping in pleasure as Ben thrust up into her. His large hands held on to her hips, as she fought to find a rhythm. She leaned down to kiss him and pulled at his shoulders to roll them over. But it was almost as if she were watching a holo, rather than actively participating…

And suddenly the scene before her dissolved into a sea of green. Rey could see herself, dressed in gray, crossing swords with Ben. Training amongst the trees. Pushing one another to the limit. She charged, knocking his wooden blade out of his grasp. He responded by flipping and pinning her to the nearest tree, forearm across the top of her chest. She struggled briefly, and then tapped his arm in surrender. He grinned mischievously and started nibbling on her neck. After a moment, she had pulled his shirt from his shoulders and his hands were working on her belt.

There was a crash in the underbrush as Kylo Ren appeared, crackling red lightsaber carving a path before him. Ben stepped in front of Rey. The scar across his cheek pulled tight as Kylo sneered. “This isn't you. Don’t lie to her. You can’t protect her like this. The Dark Side is stronger. Submit! Your anger gave you power. You know the Light will betray you. Again.”

Ben stepped forward to engage and Kylo waved a hand which sent him flying. Then he reached out and grabbed Rey, knocking her out with the Force. He threw her across his shoulder and disappeared back into the brush, black cloak fluttering behind him. TIE fighters came streaking through the sky, lasers firing down onto the Resistance base nearby, setting everything ablaze.

Rey sat up with a gasp. Whose dreams _were_ these? Ben’s. She toyed with the idea of trying to actively comfort him, but wasn’t quite ready to see herself naked and writhing again. The idea of intimacy was extremely enticing, but experiencing it was preferable to watching a performance. Instead she closed her eyes, and focused on projecting tranquility and reassurance back towards him. Hopefully that would be enough.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After breakfast the next morning, Rey meditated for a few hours. Poking gently at the link between her and Ben. How easy _was_ it to sense what he was feeling? Could she check on him without actually opening up a connection between them? It took a more delicate touch, but she found that she could sense him without disturbing him. At the moment, he seemed to be asleep again, actually. The only thing that was hurting was his shoulder blade and his hip. He’d managed to hide his shoulder from her yesterday.

How could they move forward? Did their path lie together? _Surely it did._ After everything, who else could possibly understand? She felt the most incredible pull to him. How far was she willing to take things with Ben? He wanted her, that was very clear.

 _This is not what I need to be doing…. He’s not even here and the blasted man is still a distraction._ She stretched her neck forward and rolled her shoulders. Rey struggled to find the emptiness. Trying to let the Force speak to her, if it had anything to convey. Focusing on nothing but her own breath, she finally drifted inward into the black.

Kylo Ren sat on a floating black throne. His face was still scarred. Rey stood guard beside him, holding a lightsaber staff. The room emptied, and he reached his hand out to her. She watched as her other self turned off her saber and was pulled up into his lap for a kiss. Her face looked content as she rested her head on his shoulder. Things shifted… 

Rey saw herself perched on a black throne, but the look on her face was alien, terrifying. The large room was stark. She was speaking, ordering those before her to do something. It was the version of herself she had seen in the ruins of the Death Star. In a blink she could see Ben, dressed in casual clothes, a lightsaber on his hip, but not one that she knew. His long dark hair pulled back away from his face, his cheek was smooth, and there was a scruffy beard on his chin. He was standing in the cockpit of the _Falcon_ , behind his father. Han had bloody bandages wrapped around one thigh. Rey could hear Leia’s voice echoing from down the hall, worry clear from her tone. Ben headed down the hall to engage the TIE fighters in pursuit. Another shift… 

She saw a version of herself standing in a kitchen, dressed for comfort, absently soothing a black haired child perched on one hip. Ben was there, chopping something, and talking about his day. A baby started crying in the other room. The other her turned and the scene shifted again… 

The two of them sparring, her with a green lightsaber, Ben’s blade a brilliant blue. Not the legacy saber either. A huge grin on his face as she jumps away, evading one of his strikes. She could feel the sheer joy coming from them both.

Rey gasped and came out of it. Versions of the future? One could never come to pass. But she and Ben… was it inevitable? If one of them fell to the Dark now, could the other do anything _but_ follow? If one of them died, was the other doomed as well? Everything after Kef Bir had happened so fast. And then after Exegol they parted. They had to talk. The connection between them was frighteningly strong, but they needed to be in the same place. Soon, perhaps. But she might need to be the one to join him, honestly.

She spent the rest of the day working on the wiring harnesses in another freighter. This one was made by SoroSuub, and was at least four decades old. It was not designed to have quite so many cannons attached, and there were shorts everywhere it seemed. She’d eliminate one, and another problem would pop up. People on the Outer Rim were frequently quite good at scavenging by necessity. Which meant some of the ships had more various types of parts than the _Falcon_ , if such a thing were possible. Tucked up in the guts of this ship, she didn’t need to talk to anyone, and could allow her brain to wander.

Maz had made her opinions on Ben pretty clear. But how was she supposed to integrate him into her life? How was this going to work? Poe was going to lose it. Should she try Chewie? No. Maybe Lando? Rose. If she had Rose on her side.... Maybe that would help.

Between the wiring and her thoughts, she missed the stillness that told of an impending Bond with Ben.

“Where _are_ you?”

Rey squeaked, surprised by his voice. “Ben?! Hang on…” She pulled herself out of the tiny crawl space and dropped onto the decking. "Now, really? I’m a mess.” He gave her a crooked grin in response.

“What are you working on?”

“There’s a short - okay, several shorts in the wiring.” She could feel fine hairs stuck to her cheeks and felt in desperate need of a shower.

“You look fine.” _Liar._

Rey glared, pulling a rag out of the tool box to wipe some of the grease from her hands. “I do not look fine.”

“You look fine to me, how about that?”

She scrunched her nose up at him. “Your standards need work, then.”

He pulled the rag out of her hands and tossed it aside. “Let’s try this method of convincing you.” 

Ben’s lips landed on hers, as he pulled her into the circle of his arms. She could sense his genuine shock at his own bravado. Rey stretched up to wind one arm around his neck, and let the other pull at his collar as she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss. His desire flared down the Bond into her mind. She let her own flash back towards him. His response was to slide one hand down her back and pull her flush against him, up onto her tiptoes. She had never been kissed quite like this before. So much passion and fire.

 _I think you are fierce as hell, talented, and absolutely beautiful._ She heard his voice in her head, clear and strong. Her cheeks flushed.

Rey broke the kiss and whispered, “You really can’t stay on Naboo forever.”

“True, but you could come to me.” He curved his neck to rest his forehead against her own.

“I’ve never seen Naboo.”

“You should.” Ben slowly let her slide back down his body until her feet were firmly on the floor.

“So did you just come to kiss me, or was there something else on your mind?”

He chuckled. She called him out on everything. “Well I came to see how your day went, but you distracted me.”

 _"I’m_ the distraction? You must be joking.” She smiled.

Ben sat down and leaned against the wall. “I’d offer to help you with the wiring, but I know I don’t fit in that space.”

She sat down beside him. “How much of my surroundings can you see now?”

“It’s like a little bubble, almost. The edges of the hallway. Your tools. I saw how small that trap door is that you came through. Can you see anything of the forest?”

“Not really. Only you, sitting beside me. But you initiated this, right?”

“I did.” Ben’s voice was quiet.

“Maybe that has something to do with it.” She laid her head on his shoulder and laced her fingers through his.

“How are you sleeping?” Ben was afraid this would come up.

“Not well. Though my dreams this morning were particularly odd.”

“How so?”

“It was more like a vision than a dream. Different versions of… well of us.

“What did you see?”

“There was one where we were in charge of the First Order, I think, but that was more of a flash. The one I remember was of us sparring in a forest. My blade was blue, yours was green. You looked positively gleeful.” Of course the connection ran both ways…

“I think you saw my morning meditations. I know I saw a few of your dreams last night.”

“I’m sorry.”

“They weren't _all_ bad.” Spots of pink flared in her cheeks as the images came back to her.

Dread bloomed within him, followed by fear. He suddenly froze. She could _feel_ him fumbling for a way to ask the question. “uh… did you see…”

“Something that was distinctly _not_ a nightmare, yes. And it’s very flattering that you think I am that pretty.” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. It was Ben’s turn to blush. He turned deep red, all the way out to the tips of his ears.

“I’m so sorry.” He covered his eyes with his free hand, looking away from her.

Rey took a breath. “Don’t be. Dreams reveal our hopes as well as our fears. We both know that. We can’t even keep our thoughts from each other when we’re awake sometimes. Why would dreams or visions be any different?”

She shifted so she sat in front of him, between his knees. “You made no secret of what you’ve wanted. For quite some time, really.” 

Ben nodded, eyes full of emotion. No one had ever looked at her like she was this precious thing to be treasured. She smiled softly. “We’ll get there.”

He cradled her face in his hands and gently kissed her. “I don’t deserve you.”

_Hush._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dinner that evening was a particularly lighthearted affair. Connix and Beaumont had finally realized they felt more for one another than simple friendship. As the new couple was gently picked on and told how nice they looked together, Rey felt the smallest stab of jealousy. Would this ever happen for her? Would anyone in this room tell her how nice she looked standing next to Ben? She had created friendships here. Would they support her if she asked Ben to come here? She couldn’t exactly hide away almost two meters worth of reformed dark side user forever. 

Curling up in her bed, Rey tried to envision a future with him here, living among her friends. Things always seemed to end badly. Once she finally found sleep, her dreams were her own, both good and bad. Ben still had a starring role, just the same.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Heading into the mess area to get breakfast, she fell in beside Rose. She had to speak to someone about Ben besides Maz. Finn and Poe weren’t ready to believe her, she knew that without a doubt. The wounds inflicted by the First Order were still too fresh. But Rose _might_ understand. 

“Do you have a minute?” Rey asked.

“Yea, sure. What’s up?”

“Let’s get some caf and take a walk, okay?” They grabbed bread, cheese, and cups of caf and headed back outside.

Rose’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What’s this about?”

“I’ll tell you in a minute, I promise.”

It took them several minutes, wending their way between ships, crates, and knots of people to find space to talk out of earshot. Rey snagged a lantern and took them further into the jungle to a small clearing. The sun was low on the horizon, and the shadows were starting to gather beneath the trees. She asked Rose, “Can you promise to keep what I tell you to yourself?”

“Yes. What is going on?”

“I haven’t talked to anyone about this except Maz, because I didn’t know how to explain it, really.” She just charged forward. “I have a mental connection with Ben Solo.”

“Wait… wait…. Ben Solo - as in Leia’s son Kylo Ren Ben Solo?!” Rose gaped at her just a little. Rey nodded. “So I guess he didn’t die in the battle of Exegol with the rest of the bigwigs?”

“No. He came to help me with something on the surface.”

Rose visibly struggled with it for a moment and finally said, “The man who tortured Poe. And hurt Finn? This is who you have a _connection_ with? The Supreme Leader of the First Order?!” Rey could feel anger pouring out of her.

“I know it sounds horribly trite, but I swear to you he’s not the same person.”

“How can you possibly believe that?” _Please, Rose, I know this is hard…_

“I watched Ben kill his father. I _felt_ who he was on Starkiller. I watched him cut down Finn. By the time he and I started to see one another through the Force, I had already made it to Ahch-To. And he had started to change. I spat vitriol at him, nothing but anger. He was calm and reasonable. And the Force kept connecting us. He listened.” _He’d been alone for so long, the same as me._ “Then I went to their damn giant flying base, intent on turning him from the Dark Side. _He_ was the one who killed Snoke. He almost fled with me then, I know it. And then he saved my life on Exegol.”

Rose tapped her foot and considered this for a minute. Her Force signature was full of wildly conflicting emotions. “Okay…. So a connection? What exactly do you mean? This is a Force thing, right?”

Rey began to pace, “Yes, very much so. It’s gotten stronger and stronger. We can see each other - talk and even interact.”

“Well that certainly explains some things. Do you know why this started?” Rose loved to know how things worked - even between people.

“We fit, somehow. He tried to read my mind after he captured me on Takodana, and something just… clicked. He could see my thoughts, and I could see his.” 

Rose sat down with her back against a tree, legs kicked out in front of her. “I think you need to start at the beginning.” So Rey did, telling her about each time she and Ben had spoken through the Force, ending with their experience on Exegol. By the end of the tale, Rey was lying on the ground next to Rose, exhausted once again.

“That’s a - a whole lot to take in. Let me make sure I have a couple of things correct. First of all - you _died_??”

“I did. I remember that very well. It hurt.”

“How did he…” she waved her hands, trying to put it into words.

“I think our Bond allowed Ben to bring me back. Had anyone else tried, I am not sure it would have worked.”

“And you said that Palpatine was there? Trying to convince you to become his heir?! Why? Because you’re a Jedi?”

“That’s right, you don’t know. I’m Palpatine’s granddaughter.” Rose’s mouth opened and then shut with an audible snap. “My parents left me on Jakku because they were trying to hide me from him.”

“How did you figure this out?”

“I saw a vision of my parents' deaths when I touched the dagger that killed them. And Ben told me about my grandfather when we rescued Chewie from the First Order.”

Rey could see the wheels turning behind Rose’s eyes as she weighed her next words carefully. “I’m so sorry. That must have been so hard.” Rey just nodded, and took a shaky breath.

“It’s been a few days since I found out, and I’m… dealing with it. You can keep going, Rose. I know you must have other questions.”

“The lightning that disabled an entire _fleet,_ it came from a person and not a cannon of some sort?”

Rey flinched slightly, remembering her own hand bathed in blue and white. “Yes. It is something a Force user can do. It takes a great deal of energy.”

“Can any Force user do it?” Rose asked.

“I don’t know, really. It isn’t something I was trained to do.” True, but she still felt guilty at the evasion. 

“And you’re sure that Ben is a completely changed man? He was the head of the First Order, Rey. That’s not normally something you just walk away from.” Rey noticed Rose’s hand wrapped around her medallion, fingers clenched tight.

“Oh, Rose, I’m sorry.”

“I know General Organa believed in her son. She told me that. She talked about how you believed in him, too. I’m willing to listen. Keep talking.” _How can I convince her?_

“Ben is a different person. He fought so hard to stand beside me. He showed up on Exegol with nothing but a blaster. No cape, no mask. No giant red lightsaber. Just him.” She had a brief thought, _what DID he do with his lightsaber?_ A question for their next conversation, perhaps.

“I wish I could show you what I see in him. How much he has changed. How he reacted when I died.” The scene replayed in Rey’s head for the hundredth time. She’d certainly seen it in enough nightmares. She had watched his slow struggle to reach her, his final crawl to her body. The reverence with which he had picked her up. His face, the hopelessness in his eyes as he clung to her corpse. The desperation as he looked around for help. She didn’t think Ben realized she had witnessed any of it. Nothing could convince her he didn’t care for her. Not after that.

“He was already so hurt, Rose, and I don’t think I have ever seen anyone so sad. He couldn’t see me, but I could see everything. He was willing to give his life for mine. He almost did.”

Rose considered this. “You said these connections have been going on for a while. Weren’t you scared of him?”

“Not after Starkiller Base. Not really. He wasn’t trying to kill me. I’ve seen how fiercely he fights when he is actually trying to kill someone. He never turned that sort of aggression on me. In the beginning I hated him so much for killing his father. But that action broke him. I could see it on Starkiller, and feel it in the days that followed. Especially on Kef Bir. Leia reached out to him before she passed.”

“Where is Ky… Ben now?”

“Somewhere safe. Not with the First Order. I’m still kind of recovering from the confrontation with Palpatine, and I know he is too.”

“What are you going to do? This is… huge.”

“I have no idea."

“How does it work?”

“Ben and I can see each other. Visit with each other.” _Kiss each other._ “We’ve crossed swords through the Link. Small items have passed through. I genuinely have no idea what the limitations are. I can hear his thoughts sometimes. Feel his emotions, his pain. We can even share dreams.”

Rose flopped down beside Rey and took her hand. “I don’t know how to help you, but if you believe he really has changed, I guess I can try. He is not the first defector from the First Order. And he probably won’t be the last.”

“Completely different question - what exactly does he look like under that mask?”

Rey grinned up at the sky. “Handsome. Long, dark curls. Big, dark eyes. Pale skin. Full lips. Strong nose.”

Rose sat up and looked down at Rey. “I heard that tone. You want more than just a connection through the Force.”

Nibbling on her lip, Rey sighed heavily and admitted, “I do. We’ve been getting closer each time. It's the most natural thing, honestly.”

“And you are positive that this all hasn’t been some sort of bizarre long con?”

“Absolutely. Snoke claimed to have initiated the connections, but I think that was a lie. And even if he did start it somehow, it certainly doesn’t matter now. It’s done. We can’t run away from this. I don’t want to anyway.” 

Rose laid back down, pressing her shoulder against Rey’s. “We’ll figure something out.”

“I hope so.”

“You’re going to have to tell Poe. And Finn. You’ve been acting weird since Exegol. People are starting to talk. You can’t play the aloof Jedi card now.”

“I’m not ready. They’re not ready.” _Hell, Ben's not ready. And how could I possibly make them understand??_

“You can’t keep this a secret forever, Rey.” 

“You’re right.” _Damnit._

“Can people see him when you two connect? Or is it just you?

“Force users can see him. Luke could, I know. I don’t think anyone else can.”

“You need to tell them before they find out on their own. I think that would be worse.”

“Probably.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Midway through the night, Rey felt a presence beside her. _Ben_ She was snuggled against him, nose buried in his chest, head pillowed on his left arm. She had no idea who had reached out to whom. His other arm was wrapped around her shoulder, his chin on the top of her head. The bed beneath her felt slightly odd, an unidentifiable mix of his bedroll and her mattress. He smelled like the earth. Less floral than the jungle outside. She snorted slightly, and rolled over, finding purchase for her head on the pillow.

Ben curled around her in his sleep, his arm around her stomach pulling her back into his chest. His breathing was deep and even. Warm and content, Rey closed her eyes. Enjoyed the sensation of his warmth seeping into her skin. Hopefully they could both rest well for a change. If this was how it needed to happen, she was more than happy to sleep in his arms.

Shortly before dawn, Ben awoke, and realized Rey was pressed against him, warm and soft. He felt more rested than he had in any time in recent memory. He remembered nightmares earlier - struggling and failing to bring Rey back over and over and over. To drive them off, he must have sought her out in his sleep again. Ben wasn’t sure how the connection between them worked anymore, but he was so grateful for a good night’s rest. Lifting his head, he studied Rey. She looked very peaceful. And beautiful. He kissed her cheek and gently closed down the link.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine


	4. Fighting with Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Backing up just a pinch - this is Ben's POV on Naboo... doubts keep returning  
> Sorry if this seems so scattershot - I wrote this wildly out of order, per the Muse's demands.
> 
> This is short - more Ben to come soon....

Even with Rey's help, it had taken everything Ben had to get back to the surface of Exegol and into the X-wing. They had parted company, Rey extracting a promise from Ben that he would go somewhere safe. She pressed scavenged cred sticks and his grandfather's saber into his hands, gently kissed him, and told him to be careful.

Closing his eyes, he let the Force pick his destination, and it led him to Naboo. He knew of his familial ties to the planet, though it had been years since he had visited. Appropriate. 

The jump took three days. Ben was pleased to discover Rey had the foresight to stash a few ration bars and some water in the footwell. He spent the time alternately sleeping, meditating, healing, and thinking. About the past, the future. _Rey._ She had kissed him. Twice. He managed to heal most of the broken bones, with great effort. Ben was so out of practice calling on the Light. 

His dreams had ranged wildly while trapped in the confining cockpit. He dreamed of Rey. Sensing her death. Fighting with her. Sparring with her, laughing, doing so much more than just kissing. The past also surfaced. Rare vacations with his parents. Training at the Temple, so long ago. Kneeling before Snoke, watching the sparks of Force lightning dancing around his fingertips, ready to be thrown at his intractable apprentice. He hated the sound of lightning echoing off stone. _Hated it._ Snoke enjoyed using Force lightning as punishment. Now he understood why.

Touching down on Naboo, Ben paid his docking fees, and found the nearest refresher. He was not sure what he was expecting to see in the mirror. He knew his scar was gone. It had been a part of him for so long - a visible reminder of his chosen path. He looked younger than he remembered somehow. Even with all the healing he’d done, he was still amazingly bruised. And remarkably filthy.

 _This will not do, I look like a vagabond._ The sweat and debris left behind by a battle never bothered him, but he desperately wanted to be clean of the dust of Exegol. The smell of the place clung to him, and he wanted to be free of it. Stepping towards the shower, he was grateful to see it was a sonic. He would have clean clothes as well. Glorious.

The cred sticks had more on them than he was expecting, though Ben could not remember the last time he had done his own shopping. It had been exceedingly strange to move freely among people in the bustling marketplace. No one reacted to his presence - they treated him as if he were just a regular person. He gathered extra clothes, a satchel and some basic camping supplies. As soon as the X-Wing was refueled, he took off. No sense pressing his luck. Surely it would run out sooner rather than later.

Ben allowed his instincts to guide his path. Moving out into the wilderness, he found an excellent place to camp. He looked over the terrain. So much green nestled amidst the rocky hills. A stream coming down out of the mountains. It had been so long since he had looked around a planet and simply enjoyed the scenery instead of sizing it up for conquest.

After speaking briefly with Rey, he finished setting up camp. Their current planets' respective cycles were close to synchronous, though the sunset on Naboo was a few hours ahead of that on Ajan Kloss. 

During the first three days Ben did almost nothing but rest and try to meditate. It used to be one of his better skills, but now he found it unexpectedly difficult. His visits with Rey were the best moments. Before reaching out, he’d try to make himself look presentable and as calm and focused as possible. It wasn’t quite true yet. He still felt as though he was running on autopilot, in some regards, just putting one foot in front of the other. He kept waiting for Rey to realize his true nature. To flee from him as he’d always feared.

Everything leading up to Kef Bir had always seemed like a tug of war between them. But now… getting to talk to her, with no lightsabers, no fighting, no yelling about who was where. Realizing she wanted him as badly as he wanted her. Joking with her. To see her smile at him. It had been wonderful. But the doubts kept creeping back after every connection. His luck was _never_ this good. Surely she’d come to her senses eventually.

At night, Ben kept revisiting his experiences at Exegol in endless variation. His hip shattering as he bounced against the rocks, tossed away like the tiniest thing. Bones breaking, blood dripping into his eyes. Facing his former companions with no weapon at all, feeling their feral glee as they struck him down. 

And every time he slept, Rey kept dying. Ben lost count of how many times he felt her slip away as he climbed out of that damn pit. It had been such a struggle to keep climbing while it was happening. Feeling the Bond between them growing dim and cold. Sometimes he just let go and crashed down into the endless black. Or, finally reaching her, he tried to bring her back, but the Light would not come to his aid. Stars _above,_ he was tired of seeing her face so still in death, her eyes open and unblinking. He didn’t survive her long in most of those dreams.

But the worst, the absolute _worst_ variation, kept replaying behind his eyes for hours after he woke gasping, covered in sweat.

Rey was dead, lifeless and limp in his arms. He’d called and begged and _pleaded_ for the strength to bring her back. The Light would not answer him and the Dark could not be used for such a purpose. In desperation he looked around the room one more time. There were more machines. Could those do it? They’d sustained Palpatine…. Ben struggled to carry her across the room. He fell several times, but kept getting back up, cradling her limp form to his chest.

There was a table in the corner, with needles and lines hooked up to vat in the corner. Suddenly he knew how to hook everything up. He’d studied the Clone Wars - he’d seen schematics of similar things. This would work, it had to work. He simply could not survive a universe without her in it. A needle in the vein at the crook of her elbow, a small tube into her side. An attachment onto her breastbone. One tendril to each temple. A mask over her face. There was a small switch. Things hummed, liquid flowed, lights flashed, and Rey’s body twitched twice. And then spasmed hard. Her eyes fluttered open and she screamed. Just as she’d done in Snoke’s throne room. 

Ben felt nothing through the Force, and then a growing darkness coming from her body. Rey sat up and looked at him. Her eyes were cold, almost reptilian. They seemed almost black. He could feel a powerful dark side signature emanating from her. No, no, no, no, _NO_ this wasn’t how this was supposed to go. It was supposed to bring her back. “Thank you, young Solo.” That voice - it wasn’t really hers anymore. There was an undercurrent that made his skin crawl. Rey would never forgive him. He’d corrupted her at last, as Snoke always wanted. Made her into a horrible monster just like himself.

Out of pure instinct, Ben called the Skywalker saber into his hand and ignited it as he swung. Her head was cut free from her shoulders. He closed his eyes and heard the body fall to the floor. Twisting the saber in his hands, he drove it through his own stomach and pushed upwards towards his heart. As Ben dropped into the blackness, his last sight had been Rey’s severed head staring up at him, a look of betrayal on her face.

After that, he’d given up on sleep and watched the sunrise instead, trying _desperately_ to focus on the here and now. He'd forgotten how fast the sky overhead could go from star filled to silvery grey with orange and pink flaring on the horizon. As soon as there was enough light to keep him from breaking another leg, Ben was on his feet, running through the woods. He’d run until he collapsed, and he could still see her writhing horribly on that table, condemned to a half-life by his weakness and despair.

Ben had finally given in and reached for her through the Bond, slowly, carefully, just to reassure himself that she was hale and whole and that he had not done something so incredibly stupid. Her Force signature was a bright beacon, whatever she was doing, she was well. It took him two hours to walk back to camp, stumbling and limping the whole way. His hip still throbbed with pain. Sleeping on a bedroll wasn’t doing it any favors.

Snoke had always preferred he deal with his pain without outside aid for as long as possible. Claimed it increased his stamina, let him meld more fully with the dark side. If he couldn't deal with something so trivial as physical pain, how would he ever live up to the memory of his grandfather who had survived such grievous wounds. Who knew those sadistic training methods would be so helpful in surviving Exegol? It held a certain irony...

He’d spent the rest of the day slowly working on lightsaber forms. Ben knew he’d dropped back to the traditional Jedi style the moment he held the family saber in his hands. But he felt very rusty. He believed the Skywalker blade truly belonged to him now, but what of the crystal in the saber he’d thrown away? It had been very precious to him once upon a time. Could it be fixed if he could manage to retrieve it? What would he even do with it? He knew Rey had healed the crystal of the Skywalker saber, and that had been torn into separate pieces....

As the sun disappeared beyond the horizon, Ben tried to meditate on the concept and could not find the stillness he sought. He’d tried every trick he could think of and nothing worked. He told himself he would get there eventually, but the doubts kept whispering. 

Very early the next morning Ben awoke in Rey’s bed, curled into the warmth of her back, feeling remarkably well rested. Apparently the Force knew what he needed better than he did. Unsurprising, really. He closed his eyes and savored the sensation of her body pressed against his own. Focused on the way she smelled, the sound of her breathing in the quiet room. Softly kissing her cheek, he tugged the Link closed, hoping for a better day.

By mid morning he was seated comfortably, trying once again to meditate. Snoke encouraged him to focus on his anger, his hatred of those who had betrayed him, to hone it like a weapon. That was no longer his path, and had never really felt right anyway. 

Ben went back to the earliest teachings, the very first lessons. Focused on the memory of Luke’s voice, guiding him step by step through the beginning exercises. The Jedi encouraged the release of emotions. He focused on his fear, let it overwhelm him and then pushed it away. One by one he tried to isolate the negative emotions within, give them all of his attention and then let them go. Hatred, so many regrets, anger, pain. One by one they fell away. 

Then Ben turned to the things that brought him delight. His feelings for Rey. So strong. Hope. It had been years since he had genuine hope for his future. Joy when Rey smiled at him. Gratitude for his life. _If he repeated it enough times it would be true._ His freedom from the Dark Side. Empty. Clear. _Still._

His awareness slowly expanded, seemingly inch by inch. He felt the trees around him, the birds flying high overhead. The rocks, the worms crawling deep within the earth. The flowers, the grass, there was a small herd of animals grazing two hills over. It had been so long since he had this sort of perception. The wind rustling through the forest. He _listened._ The Force was quiet and peaceful.

When he opened his eyes, he was shocked to realize hours had passed. The sun was in a distinctly different place in the sky. Whether it had been the result of his good night’s sleep or simply the persistence of trying, he was grateful just the same.

His stomach grumbled. Lunch time had come and gone. He was ravenous. Suddenly he was very aware of Rey, and she was _angry._ He stretched his arms up, took a deep breath and reached for her through the Force.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this written for a while now. There is a whole 'nother chunk.  
> I wrote this damn thing out of order, and it has been a struggle.  
> Writing this was therapeutic, and I thought I was close to posting it, but tumblr is a mistress both cruel and kind for inspiration....
> 
> Started 1/18/20 - 12:30 am or so, finished writing 2:47 am  
> Large chunks of this wrote themselves, and did not go the way I intended....


	5. Defending Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has a disagreement with two friends, and spends some time with Ben...

The next morning, Rey grabbed a quick breakfast and headed out into the trees, where she spent the morning training. It felt wonderful to stretch her muscles and think of nothing but clearing the next obstacle. After she was done, she spent some time in meditation, the sweat slowly cooling on her skin. Exegol had left her with so much to contemplate, it was hard to even know where to start.

The grumbling of her stomach finally drove her back towards camp. Hopefully there was still some lunch available, then she needed to get back into the wiring of that damned freighter.

It was almost mid afternoon when she found herself confronted by Finn and Poe, just as her feet touched the freighter’s ramp.

“You’ve been avoiding us, Rey.” Finn started.

“And what is this about you dying on Exegol? When were you going to tell me about that?”

Poe looked irritated - but since his promotion, he was usually at least a little antsy.

“I haven’t been avoiding you, I’ve just been busy.” Neither of them believed her, but she didn't need the Force to tell her that. She charged up the ramp and into the ship, and they both followed right on her heels.

“Busy with what, exactly?” asked Finn.

“Repairs, training, There aren’t enough mechanics here given the influx of ships, you both know that.” she answered defensively. Rey paused at an access hatch. This had not improved her situation, but at least it gave them some privacy. 

Finn looked at her and cocked his head. “That’s not everything. What aren’t you telling us? You’ve been distracted since we got back. When you _died_ down there, it was for more than just a moment. I _felt_ it.”

Poe was more insistent. “And that’s still creepy. C’mon Rey, spill it - what actually happened at that temple? Why did you come back in an _Imperial_ TIE? And who the hell took off in Luke Skywalker’s X-Wing? It was tracked flying away from Exegol but it didn't join our fleet. I’ve looked and I can’t find it anywhere.”

Rey tried to bluff. “I have no idea.”

“She’s lying.” Finn sounded so sure.

She looked at Finn, eyes wide.

Poe rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. I know that, she’s a terrible liar.”

 _Damn. Damn._ **_Damn._ ** _So much for hiding him._

“You have to promise me that you will listen, and not overreact.”

The guys looked at one another. Poe shrugged. “Sure,” said Finn, crossing his arms over his chest.

“It was Ben. He took Luke’s X-wing.”

Poe’s face went from puzzled to furious. “Ben? You mean Kylo Ren. He stopped being Ben a long time ago.”

“No, Poe, I mean Ben. He has turned. He’s come back to the Light.”

“What?!”

“Are you serious?” Finn’s eyes were wide.

She’d known this was going to be difficult, but their emotions told her this might be impossible.

“I’ve been trying to convince him for awhile. He just… wasn’t ready yet. Leia reached out to him as she died.” Poe’s face took on an interesting color at the mention of their shared mentor.

“Finn, you saw some of our confrontation on Kef Bir. Afterwards, I went to Ahch-To, intending to stay there in exile. I even set Ben’s ship on fire to maroon myself. Luke convinced me that I couldn’t stay.”

“What? How? Skywalker’s dead, isn’t he?”

“His spirit appeared to me.”

Poe shook his head briefly as his lips pursed shut. After a moment he waved his hand. “You know... okay, whatever, just keep talking.”

“When I arrived at Exegol, I went down to the surface. Ben showed up. No crackling red lightsaber, no mask. He knew what I was facing and was trying to help me.” She faltered, unsure of how to explain this.

“Emperor Palpatine was really there, and he wanted…” Rey hesitated, remembering how she faltered. “He wanted me to become his heir. That was the point of all of this.”

Finn looked appalled. “That’s nuts. Why?”

“Because I’m his granddaughter.”

Poe looked startled, but didn’t say anything, Finn started with questions. “What? How… what?! How long have you known?”

“Since we rescued Chewie. Ben told me, just before you guys showed up with the _Falcon._ ”

“Could he have been lying?” asked Poe.

Rey shook her head, “No. Given everything I’ve experienced, everything I’ve seen, what I can do… It all fits.”

Poe reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. “You’re not defined by your bloodline, Rey. Leia wasn’t, and neither are you.”

“I know that. But I was _tempted_ just the same. Palpatine told me it was the only way to save the Resistance. I could see the Fleet overhead being cut to pieces by the Sith ships.”

“Ben fought his way to my side and we faced the Emperor together. In the end, I managed to kill Palpatine, deflecting his own lightning back against him.” 

Poe asked, “That wasn’t just another weird weapon?”

“No, lightning can be generated by a Force user. I was struck by some of it. And then when Palpatine died, there was an explosion of sorts. I didn’t survive. Ben brought me back.”

Finn asked, “How?”

“Through the Force. He gave me his life energy, practically all of it. He almost died as a result. Then I used his TIE to rejoin the Resistance fleet, and he took Luke’s X-wing.”

“How could you just let Kylo Ren escape?” Poe’s voice was quiet but she could sense his growing rage.

Rey sighed heavily. This was going about as well as she had expected. “Kylo Ren is gone. He’s Ben now.”

“For how long?” asked Poe. “Until he loses it and strangles someone? He’s evil, unstable, and cruel, Rey.”

“That’s not who he is anymore. He turned from the Dark Side. I felt it.”

“Why do you have such faith in him?” Finn sounded almost reasonable. His Force signature told her otherwise.

“Because he and I have had a connection for some time. Why do you think I went to him on the _Supremacy_ just before Crait? I know you are aware of that. It was _Ben_ who killed Snoke, and then we fought side by side against the guards in the throne room.” _And then we battled each other again. So much wasted energy._

“The Force allows Ben and I to talk to one another, see one another. It allowed him to find us on Pasaana. That connection made it possible for me to pass him a lightsaber when the Knights of Ren attacked him on Exegol.”

“It would have been poetic justice if they’d killed him.” Finn sounded so bitter.

Rey glared in response.

Poe finally lost it and started yelling. “How can you just forgive him after all that’s happened?! That bastard tortured me, nearly killed Finn. He destroyed the Jedi Temple. And that’s just for starters!”

Rey put her hands over her eyes. “I know, I know!”

“He was the head of the First Order! How many of our people did he kill? How many innocents did he slaughter? How can you possibly think this is real?!” Poe was _livid._ “We are all supposed to just ignore everything he did because he has decided that he doesn’t want to be a bad guy anymore? That’s what you’re saying? Because that is what I’m hearing!” 

“No, I don't expect you to simply forget his past, but I promise you his change is genuine. Finn, you _are_ Force sensitive, you will be able to see - “ 

Finn cut her off abruptly. “See what?! That he’s a psychopathic liar trying to convince you he’s suddenly a good guy?”

“First of all, it is _not_ a lie. I felt the change in him. I believed in it. I encouraged it. I fought for it every chance I could. And so did his parents. Han and Leia gave their lives for that belief. To try and convince him to turn away from the Dark Side. _That’s_ why Han approached Ben on Starkiller Base in the first place. That’s why Leia DIED. Are you going to tell me that they just threw their lives away?!” She felt the anger rising. The need to make them _understand._

“I am alive because Ben saved me. No other reason. Without his help I would be lying dead on the floor of that Sith Temple!” _Or worse yet, sitting on that dark throne._

Rey realized this conversation needed to stop before she said or did something she couldn’t take back. “When you two are ready to actually listen to me, we’ll try this again.” She pushed between them and stormed back towards the ramp, intent on heading back into the jungle.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rey wanted nothing more than to defend Ben. But Poe and Finn would not listen. She hit another tree with her staff. _Would_ *smack* _not_ *smack* _listen!_ *smack smack smack* Her shoulders ached. She’d been up near the top of at least four of the big trees. Anything to burn off this energy other than shake them and _make_ them listen to her.

After two hours of frenetic activity, Rey was finally exhausted. She pulled the ties from her hair, and flopped down onto the short foliage of a small clearing to rest. 

The western sky was starting to blossom with color as Ben’s presence brushed gently against her own. Rey relaxed and opened herself to the Force, pulling on that invisible cord that bound them together.

He shimmered into view, and looked down at her lying on the ground. “Are you okay?” Concern was etched across his features.

“Yes. No.” 

He reached out his hand to her to pull her upright. Leaves clung to her back and arms.

“Well, which is it? What’s wrong?” He pulled a stick out of her hair. “You’re furious.”

“I messed up.” She started brushing off the debris clinging to her.

“How?” 

“Poe knows you're alive.”

“And why exactly would Dameron believe I was dead?” His eyebrows rose towards his hairline.

“Well, so much of the First Order fleet was destroyed…”

“Probably not as much as you think, unfortunately. There was no confirmation of my presence on any of the ships over Exegol. And didn’t your friends watch you fly off of Kef Bir in my TIE? I know I did.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, let it go.” He plucked two stubborn leaves off of her shoulder.

He smirked slightly. “I liked that ship.”

“I’m sorry. Kef Bir was….”

“Rough. For so many reasons.” He unconsciously rubbed the place on his chest where she drove his own saber through him.

“I’m really very sorry about Leia.”

“Thank you. There was a peace about her presence when she contacted me. I think that was what I found so distracting.”

Rey leaned against a tree. “I miss her.”

“Me too.” Ben's sorrow was still so sharp. She could sense the iron grip he held on his emotions regarding his parents. She reached out for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Now why are you mad? And not at me for once.” He played briefly with the ends of her hair. She was not sure he’d ever seen it completely loose before.

Rey grinned. “It _is_ a nice change of pace. Poe asked me who took the X-wing off Exegol. I told him it was you. Words were… exchanged. He and Finn have a hard time looking past who you were. They don’t believe you’ve turned.”

“It’s not surprising. Not everyone has the dubious honor of seeing my innermost thoughts.”

“I tried to tell them. How you came to help me. They just made me so angry. On Exegol, you reminded me of who I am. That I couldn’t give in to Palpatine’s mad plan. Hell, I’m alive because of you.” She leaned down and picked up her staff, setting it against a tree.

“I couldn't let you go, Rey. You fought _so_ hard for me. Everyone else was beyond my reach, but I could at least save you.” He had always tried to suppress his emotions, but with her they just seemed to pour out of him. He sat down heavily on a nearby log.

“In the days leading up to our confrontation on Kef Bir, I kept seeing visions of you corrupted by the Dark Side. Wielding a double bladed red lightsaber, dressed in black. Beautiful and deadly. My own personal enforcer. In another vision I saw you seated as Empress, resplendent in a deep crimson gown, me standing beside you as guard. There was one where we ruled the galaxy together, side by side. Despite all of my taunting, I knew I would do anything to make sure none of it came to pass. That you wouldn’t wind up submitting to the Dark Side.”

The word submit again… they’d come back to that in a conversation, eventually. “That’s why you didn’t want me to go to Exegol alone.”

“Yes.” _And you still managed it anyway, you damn stubborn woman._ His deep baritone echoed through her skull.

“But you have felt the darkness in me, haven’t you?” Rey asked.

“At times. But it is not who you are. I kept trying to get you to turn, but I knew you wouldn’t. You are a creature of the Light. You see the good in everyone, Rey. You hold onto the hope that people will do the right thing. It is one of your most endearing qualities.”

“I saw the goodness in you. Despite your best efforts to hide it.”

His shame and regret seeped through the link.

“I am sorry for all the pain I caused you.” 

She crossed to him. “You were worth every bit.” _Your parents knew it, too._

Ben reached out and pulled her closer. “I’m very grateful you think so.” 

His hands were delightfully cool against her warm skin. “How are you going to handle this? Can I do anything to help?”

“Not that I can think of - not yet. I’ll try talking to them again tomorrow, I guess. I came out here so I didn’t say anything I’d regret.” She sat down beside him.

He nodded, and turned to face her, one foot on either side of the fallen trunk. “Probably for the best. You do have a hell of a temper.” He was so damned handsome, and she was pretty sure she still had leaves in her hair.

She fought down a smirk. “You’d know.” There had always been an energy between them. But the way Ben looked at her now... like she set the very stars in motion.

He said, “Nothing in my experience was ever so intoxicating as crossing blades with you. Until I got to kiss you, that is.”

It was still so new - this thing between them. She had always thought he was striking, but now, he was positively magnetic. Rey turned towards him, throwing one leg over the log to straddle it, and slid her hands up his chest. “We should double check that.”

Ben pulled her towards him and brought his lips crashing down onto hers. Rey wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. He hummed appreciatively. Heat blossomed between them immediately. He kissed her like he wanted to devour her.

One of his hands was buried in her hair, the other sliding slowly down her spine, cradling her lower back, fingertips teasing the edge of her waistband. A jumble of _More, more, yes, please,_ came streaming into his mind. He hauled her into his lap, pulling her close against him. Desire and longing bounced back and forth between them. He had no doubt what she wanted, he could read every emotion through the link.

Her arms came down and he felt one hand pulling at his collar, trying to draw him closer. Rey closed the remaining distance between them, making them flush from neck to groin. Ben made a slightly strangled noise in the back of his throat and she felt his hips rock slowly against her own, his erection growing harder by the moment.

Ben wanted her so badly. Right here, right now, on the ground, up against a tree, anyhow and anywhere she’d have him. But he also didn’t want to push. He wanted her to set the pace, and not become anything she’d ever regret. It was difficult enough to separate things already without the Force singing and bouncing emotions between them. He was trying to find the courage to slow down, when a voice came cutting through the trees. “Rey! Rey, where are you?”

She broke the kiss and mumbled, “It’s Rose.”

Ben’s mouth slid across her jaw and towards her neck. “She won’t be able to see me.”

She shivered slightly and tilted her head to give him better access. “Then I will look awfully strange.”

He groaned and dropped his head onto her shoulder, desperately trying to find his control. “Yes, yes, you’re right.”

Rey reached up and put her hands on his cheeks. Crooking an eyebrow she said, “Soon?”

Ben’s eyes were almost black. He nodded. “Mmm-hmmm.” He grabbed her hips and pushed her backwards off his lap. He leaned forward for one last kiss. “Soon.” And vanished.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

That night Ben dreamed of holding Rey, of kissing her. Her smooth skin bare beneath his hands. Mapping the constellations of freckles and moles across her strong shoulders. Of her thighs wrapped around his neck while he feasted on her, her fingers wound in his hair. His name an endless litany on her lips as he drove into her over and over again. How he loved hearing her say his name these days, a constant reminder of the person he was once and was slowly discovering again.

He also dreamed of losing her. Of hatred shining again in her eyes just as it had done during their very first Force connection. Of her eyes pleading with him in Snoke’s throne room as they fought over the Skywalker saber. Of Luke killing her after discovering them together. Of feeling the link slam shut as it had after Crait, never to reopen. Of one of Hux’s bounty hunters catching her unawares and shooting her in the back, bringing her head and saber back as proof. Of her voice screaming at him as she watched him cut down his father. Of cutting her down in the snow on Starkiller Base, never even knowing what he had lost. 

Ben awoke, phantom pain from the bowcaster scar flaring sharply across his ribs. He didn’t deserve her. She was too good. He was far too damaged. So many different possible outcomes. So many ways he could screw this up….

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After finally getting to bed, Rey’s dreams were filled with images of Ben kissing her, touching her. The weight and heat of his body looming over her, pressing her into the mattress. His deep brown eyes close beside her, long dark hair tickling her stomach, his large hands parting her thighs.

Rey awoke shortly after dawn, sweaty and frustrated, the thin fabric of her nightgown too much for her oversensitive skin. Her lips felt swollen, as if she’d spent the night kissing. How she wished that were true. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my original timeline, Rey actually *told* Chewie, Poe, and Finn about the revelation of her heritage on the _Falcon_ instead of just sucking it up and dealing..... I have made adjustments to be in line with the TROS novelization....
> 
> Not done with this. 
> 
> Feedback is excellent for your karma.


	6. Unpleasant Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey struggles with some of Kylo Ren's actions....

Ben opened his eyes after another successful meditation and grinned. He’d missed the deep connection with the Light, though he never would have admitted it, not even to himself. Stretching out his legs, he laid backwards on the ground, letting his back relax. Overhead, storm clouds were gathering. His right hip was stiff, he wasn’t used to sitting still for so long anymore. Rain was coming, he could smell it. Rolling to his feet, Ben started the walk back to camp, a smile on his face. 

How long would he remain on Naboo? Clearly he couldn’t join Rey on Ajan Kloss. Did this still count as hiding? Maybe. The First Order would likely be in extreme disarray, but there were still people who would try and take charge of whatever was left. Perhaps the Resistance could use his help. But would they accept what he had to offer? Ben wasn’t sure that would have been true even when his mother was alive, much less now.

He would do whatever he needed to prove himself. Rey knew that. He had to be so careful with her. Whenever they interacted everything became so entangled. He couldn’t seem to keep his hands off of her. Which was wildly unfair, because Ben knew sensations bounced between them. He’d sensed her response to his kisses. They couldn’t force one another to do anything, that had been made perfectly clear from the beginning. But a seduction… He wanted her, but he also wanted to be absolutely sure of her consent. If he could stop kissing her long enough to ask next time they spoke, that is. He already regretted so many of his actions. Seducing her into bed would not be added to that list, even if that was the only clear thing he wanted right now.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rey lay on her back, slowly putting another patch on the wiring. Her fingertips ached. She’d been at this for hours, and the sharp edges had left tiny little cuts all along her hands.

“Rey? Is this where you are?” Rose’s voice drifted down the hall.

“Down here!” 

The thump of Rose’s boots on the metal decking sounded odd through the side of her skull. 

“You missed lunch again, didn’t you?”

Checking her chronometer, Rey sighed. Her stomach grumbled in response. Yup. She put the pliers back in the box and grabbed the edge of the hatch, pulling herself out. Rose held a small white bundle in her hand.

“I did.”

“Thought so. I brought you some food.”

Rey smiled. Rose understood losing herself in a project. “Thank you.”

Rose sat down and waited for Rey to plop down beside her before handing over the package.

“You can’t hide out forever.”

“You heard, huh?” 

Rose shrugged. “Finn asked me how you were doing, if I had noticed anything different about you since Exegol. I asked some questions, and he told me what happened.”

“I’ll come out eventually.”

“Uh-huh. Eat. You don’t need to defend yourself to me. I just don’t like my friends fighting, that’s all. We’ve all seen more than enough of that to last multiple lifetimes.”

Rey nodded and unwrapped her meal. Even after all this time, she was struck by how wonderful it was to have people who cared enough to make sure she ate.

“Do you want help?”

“No, that’s okay. I _think_ I’m almost done. And I’m miserable company right now anyway. You have your own list of projects to work on, I’m sure.” Rose’s skills were in high demand these days.

“Would you stop pushing people away? No one’s judging you.” Rey looked sideways at her. “Okay, I’m not judging you. I can’t speak for anyone else. But they shouldn’t - how many times have you and Ky - uh - _Ben_ wound up in the same place? If everything you say is true, then it wasn’t just by happenstance.”

Rey let go of some of the tension she’d been carrying. “Thank you.” She tucked into her food, eyes bright with unshed tears.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A gentle nudge through the Force reminded Rey of the warmth of Ben’s hand along her cheek. She opened up to the link, comb still in her hand. “Good evening.”

He appeared before her, dressed in a simple dark blue tunic. It made his shoulders look tremendously wide. “How was your day?”

“Good. I finally found the last short in that damn SoroSuub freighter. Chased them all over the ship, but everything runs as it should.”

“You do love to fix things, don’t you?” _Like me._

She shrugged. “I guess so. I never really thought about it.”

Then Ben beamed at her with that full, beautiful smile that she had seen for the first time on Exegol. 

She ran one hand through her hair. “I need to put this up.”

“Or you could leave it down. It’s nice.” How he wanted to kiss her. But then again, he always wanted to kiss her. Spice addicts had more self control than he did.

Rey combed her hair through once more. “I can’t, this will just get in my way.”

She set down the comb and bound the hair back from her forehead, leaving the back loose. “Close enough?” He smiled and stepped forward, closing the distance between them.

“I hope whoever it is knows how lucky they are to have you working on their ship.” Reaching out, Ben brought his hand up to her cheek. The tension between them thrummed deliciously as their skin connected. She felt the crackle of it down to her toes.

“I’m just another pair of hands here, at least where technician work is concerned.”

“And they are such lovely hands.” He reached out and took one, turned it over and softly kissed the pulse point on the inside of her wrist. Rey shuddered slightly as chill bumps erupted up both arms.

He ran his fingers over hers. “You need to wear gloves. What did this?” His touch was so delicate against her skin.

“Sharp wire ends. I’ll be fine.” 

Letting go of her hand, Ben tried to work up the courage to start what he knew would be an awkward conversation about consent and clear headed decisions.

“I’ve never been fond of gloves, unlike some people.” 

Was she teasing him? Yes, she was. She grinned at him, light shining in her eyes. 

Rey stepped forward, wound her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, stretching up to kiss him. His hand slid to cup the back of her head, the other wrapping low across her back. After a moment, he deepened the kiss, pulling her closer against his body. 

She remembered her dreams from last night, and was anxious to continue what they had begun yesterday. Her desire called to him through the Bond, distracting him from everything else. Rey stepped backwards towards her bed, tugging him along.

Neither of them heard the quick knock, which caused the unlatched door to slowly creak open.

“Hey Rey, are you in… So _this_ is why you’re so sure he’s a changed man?!” Finn’s outraged voice was like a blast of cold water.

They sprang apart, Ben looking surprised. “He can see me?”

“Finn, it’s not what you think.” Outrage radiated from him.

“It’s _exactly_ what I think! How the hell can you let that monster touch you? Is he controlling you somehow?”

Ben flinched as if he’d been struck. “I’ll talk to you later, Rey. I’m sorry.” 

“Wait!” He vanished before she could even finish the word.

“You have NO right to say what I can or cannot do! How dare you.”

Rey had never seen him look quite this angry, and could sense how betrayed he felt. “And then he just disappears? How convenient. Is this what you’ve been doing for the last couple of days? Is _this_ why no one can ever find you?”

Finn was shouting now, “Kylo Ren nearly killed me, do you remember that? Doesn’t that mean anything to you?! Don’t you know that he ordered the death of unarmed civilians on Jakku?” Rey paled. _No._ Her stomach lurched.

He saw her reaction and pressed his advantage. “People who had done nothing. Women and children! We were ordered to round them all up in the middle of town. Phasma asked what he wanted done with them. Kill them all, he said. Kylo Ren walked away while stormtroopers turned blasters and _flamethrowers_ on unarmed civilians.”

“The Massacre at Tuanal,” she whispered, eyes gone wide with surprise.

“Yea - didn’t you realize that one was on your boyfriend’s head! Do you think that’s even the worst thing he’s done? Honestly? What about the destruction of the Hosnian system? Have you asked him about _that_?”

She suddenly felt like she was going to throw up. “But that - that’s not who he is anymore.”

“Are you _sure_ ? Whatever he’s told you, it’s definitely who he was. Can you really live with that?!”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now, please.” 

“Fine. But you should ask _him._ See if he tells you the truth.”

Rey dropped to her knees as Finn turned away and stormed out, slamming the door behind him hard enough to make the whole wall shake. She’d visited Tuanal a few times during her years on Jakku. She knew there had been a few survivors to tell what happened. She had even seen images of the ruined village. It had never even occurred to her that Kylo Ren had been the one in charge that night.

Did she have the courage to ask him? It was not as if either of them could hide from his past. She fought for control of her emotions. Calm. She had to be calm. Confronting him in anger had led to far too many fights. She focused on her breathing.

“Ben.” She reached down through their link.

He was in the middle of his camp, sitting on a stump, staring out at the darkness, unmoving.

“Can we talk?” He heard Rey’s voice.

“Yes, we should.” He didn’t want to hide from her. Ben focused in and she appeared before him, kneeling on the ground. 

“Are you alright?” Rey asked him. He could feel her sorrow, and her anger. They were tightly controlled, but clear through the link.

“I’m fine.” That was not true, and they both knew it. His expression reminded her of Kef Bir after she’d run him through. Like he’d been broken. 

“So the stormtrooper is Force sensitive?”

“His name is Finn. And yes, he is.” Rey looked at Ben - his eyes were vaguely unfocused.

“Are there others? Besides Maz, of course.” Rey felt his mental shields sliding quickly back into place.

“None that I have found.” Silence stretched between them.

“I have to ask you something.”

“Anything.” Ben’s face had gone perfectly still. It revealed no reaction whatsoever.

“Did you order the massacre of the villagers in Tuanal?” She didn’t want to hear him admit it.

“The village on Jakku? I did.” Even his voice had become carefully modulated. 

Rey closed her eyes. Emotions roiled within her. She wanted to scream at the horror of it all. Or weep for the dead.

Instead she simply asked, “Why?"

Ben could sense her outrage and her revulsion. He had practice at hiding what he felt, forcing down his impulses to lash out at Snoke or Hux, hiding his disgust at their cruelty. She had none. But this wasn’t about him - she had every right to hate him. Everyone did. “The villagers had fired on our troops. They resisted. Their fate was to be a warning to others. Had they complied when we landed, they might have survived.”

“I _knew_ some of those people. They were no threat to you. It was a peaceful, sacred village.” The images captured after the attack started popping into her head.

“I had my orders.”

“Did Snoke tell you to leave no survivors?” Her old instincts pushed her to attack him, but it would serve no purpose.

“No. That was my choice. But it was standard procedure for settlements that would not submit.” _Standard procedure._ What a clinical term to use.

“That’s an excuse.” Instantly, he felt rage swell within her, seething, blinding rage. He deserved every bit of it. She started to tremble with the effort of holding still, fighting down the urge to scream.

“Yes, you're right.” He swallowed. Might as well tell her the rest. She would discover it eventually. How did his father put it? Ah yes - women always figure out the truth.

“Tuanal followed the basic pattern of the First Order incursion on Tehar, a planet in the Unknown Regions. The villagers were massacred and I was the one in charge there as well.” Tears rolled down Rey’s cheeks - he didn’t even think she was aware of them. The look on her face reminded him of their duel in the forest of Starkiller Base. Loathing and fear intermingled.

He broke the awful silence. “Do you have anything else you want to ask me? Or say?”

“Nothing productive. Not right now. We’ll talk about this later. I need to go.” She had to leave before she did something she would regret.

“Of course.” Rey disappeared. He felt the instant she closed the link between them. It felt like the moment on Crait. She’d deliberately shut him out. He closed his eyes and screamed wordlessly at the sky. He could feel his pulse pounding in his ears.

There was so much blood on his hands. Would this be the thing that would drive her away for good? Ben had known it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. Things had been going so well between them. He just didn’t expect it so soon.

Rey looked at the door to her room. She had to get out of here. Open air. She clipped the lightsaber to her belt. On her feet and out the door, out into the dark night. She ran through the dark jungle until she couldn't breathe. 

Things happened in the heat of battle. But Tuanal. That was a brutal war crime. Plain and simple. She _knew_ objectively that Ben had done horrible things in service to the First Order. Rey had watched helplessly from a distance as he killed Han. Seen him hurt Finn. She knew all of that, but this…. She fell to her hands and knees and retched. How would she move past it?

 _This isn’t going to go the way you think._ Luke’s voice rang in her head. He had tried to warn her. Ben had returned to the Light. She _knew_ that was true. But what was left for him now?

It was terribly late by the time Rey made it back to camp. She’d nearly lost her way several times in the dark. She tried meditating, but it eluded her completely, she was still far too angry. The quiet would not come. She took a scalding shower and climbed into bed. 

Sleep came quicker than she expected, but her dreams were dark and twisted. Kylo Ren was back, standing impassively while the villagers of Tuanal were slaughtered. Fire and screams echoed as the stench of burning flesh filled the night air. He stalked her everywhere she went relentlessly. Chasing her through dark passageways, following her through the snow, the trees. The red light of his saber glinting on the metal of that damn mask, blinding her.

The red bleeds into bright white. There are stormtroopers marching in the sand. They seem to stretch into infinity, swimming in the heat coming off the dunes. The Resistance has been defeated. The _Falcon_ crashed and smoking, broken pieces littering the desert. She sees her fallen comrades near and far. Sweat is stinging her eyes. Ren’s saber swinging over and over as he killed everyone she had ever loved. 

Rose and Connix were already dead. Finn is on his knees, the crackling red beam swinging towards his neck. Ren stands behind him, seemingly unconcerned by the heat. Poe is screaming and fighting beside her. Rey can only stare, mouth agape, unable to move. 

At last, all of her friends were dead, and she was alone again, staring at the impossibly giant man in a mask looking over her. “Embrace the darkness, Rey. Surrender to it. Because you will serve or you will die.” She hated the sound of his voice through that mask. 

Rey closed her eyes and leaned her head back. “End it.” She heard the lightsaber hum grow louder as he swung. 

Suddenly silence. She opened her eyes to endless black stone, walls reaching up and up. Back in that damned cathedral. And it was Kylo Ren who lounged on the dark throne of Exegol instead of Palpatine, wearing Ben’s face, arrogance twisting his smooth features. It was the last image that stayed behind her eyes as she woke in the gray light of dawn. She turned her face into her pillow and wept.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rey spent the morning sitting on her bed, reading through the Jedi texts, trying to distract herself. About midday, she felt the buzzing sensation under her skin warning of an impending connection with Ben. She took a deep breath and tried to prepare herself to talk to him. She wasn’t quite ready yet, but apparently that didn’t matter to the Force. She couldn’t just ignore him. **_Damnit_.**

The ambient noise stopped and suddenly Ben was standing there with a wooden staff in his hands, swinging at something, sweat dripping down his naked back. Besides the fading blue bruises still decorating his torso, there were fresh scrapes scattered across his upper body, especially across his hands. She could feel the persistent deep ache in his right hip, a remnant of Exegol. He paused, sensing her.

“Rey?” He was out of breath.

“I’m here.” She felt him open himself to their Bond. He loomed large in front of her, for a moment, and then sat down heavily on the nearby chair. Rey could see the exhaustion on his face, dark circles under his eyes. He laid his staff across his knees.

They sat for a moment staring at one another in awkward silence. “I’m glad to see you,” Ben finally said.

She nodded once, obviously nervous. Even if he didn’t have the luxury of insight through their link, every thought Rey had always played so freely across her features. She had never hidden anything of herself from him. He could tell from the look on her face that this moment was not of her choosing.

“I’m sorry if yesterday made things difficult for you.”

“Honestly, I haven’t faced them yet. And I’m a little surprised Finn hasn’t come to drag me out.”

“Where do we go from here?” His voice was quiet and calm. But she could feel his fear. He was terrified she would try and shut him out forever.

“I am not sure. Yesterday took me by surprise. But I know the person you used to be, and some of the things you’d done.: His face was still a dispassionate mask, his mouth a tight line.

“There were other things over the years, but I think in your eyes, Tuanal and Tehar would be the worst.”

“I need some time.”

“Of course. I won’t contact you deliberately.” She watched his jaw shift as he ground his teeth.

“Thank you.”

Her eyes flickered to the cuts on his hands. “Please take care of yourself.”

Ben looked down. He had spent so many years with pain as an integral part of training, he had not even noticed the small wounds. 

“I will try.” He stood up, setting the tip of the staff against the floor.

She nodded and disappeared. The Bond closed again, with an almost audible thunk. He winced, a cold, empty space opening inside of him where the warmth of her presence had been moments ago. If this was to be his punishment, he would endure it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think she would have known, honestly.
> 
> This thing wrote itself wildly out of order, despite my best efforts. Chapter 8 is mostly ready to go... 7, not so much.  
> \-----  
> There is more written, I am working on editing, but it is slow going. My five year old's school is closed for at least a month. My husband ad I are now teaching over the internet. Life is upside down for us all.  
> Please let me know what you think of this.
> 
> Kudos and comments are good for your karma.


	7. Wrestling with the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wrestles with the recent revelation

After the Force connection with Ben, Rey spent the rest of the day actively avoiding people. Out in the jungle by herself, pushing herself as hard as she possibly could. She finished the training course, faster than she had ever done, but it had been messy. Her muscles screamed as she dropped to the ground, trying to catch her breath in the humidity.

Despite her exhaustion, Rey’s mind still raced. What did she want to do? What _could_ she do? Ben was to blame for the deaths of the villagers. The thought made her ill. He was a servant of the Dark Side when it happened, but it was still his doing. Did she even have the nerve to ask him about the destruction of the Hosnian system? Trillions of beings had perished. Had that been his choice as well? Did he give the actual order to fire? What if he said yes, then what? And how the hell would she convince the others he was telling the truth if he said no? She would be able to sense if he was lying to her…. But how to convince Poe and Finn?

Rey needed to start training with Finn. If he even wanted to talk to her, that is. Would he trust her now that he saw her as consorting with the enemy? _Damnit damnit, damnit._ She covered her eyes with her hands, and tried not to worry about the things she genuinely couldn’t control.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rey leaned over Ben as he collapsed on the stone floor. Her lips were still tingling from his kiss. But now he was so still - so terribly pale. She placed one hand on his chest, and tried desperately to push life back into him, but there is not enough left for them both. He was too far gone and suddenly he faded from existence. No body left at all. She clutched at his shirt, screaming for him to please come back, he can’t leave her now, not after all of this. Her voice echoed through the cavernous chamber. The hollow void was cold in her mind, their connection severed forever.

 **_Thump Thump Thump._** “Rey?” A voice calling for her. **_Thump Thump Thump Thump!_ ** “Rey!!” It was Rose. Another round of knocks. “Are you okay??” She opened her eyes with a gasp. Where was she? Where was Ben?! She could feel panic clawing at her.

Rey’s pulse was pounding from adrenaline. Her sheets were clenched tightly in her sweaty hands, half pulled off the bed. The lights from outside made strange shadows across the floor. She shook her head, trying to chase away the cobwebs. It took a moment for everything to feel real. She fumbled for the lantern beside the bed, but she couldn’t find it. Rey slowly got to her feet and stumbled towards the door, tripping over something in the dark. “Hang on.” Her throat felt terribly scratchy.

Hitting the light switch, Rey opened the door, blinking in the sudden brightness. Rose’s eyes grew huge. “What’s wrong?! You’re shaking.”

“It was a dream. Just a bad dream.” _Right?_

“Sit down, I’ll go get you some water.”

Rey wiped her face, and realized it was wet with tears. 

She closed her eyes and she could see his empty clothes on the ground, her fingers clutching his shirt, and heard herself wailing like some sort of madwoman. _What would it be like to lose him now? Truly?_ Rey crept back across the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. Her legs hurt like she’d been running for hours. Looking around, she realized her table had been knocked over, the Jedi texts spilled onto the floor. Her tools and her clothes were tossed about, Leia’s lightsaber lying over in the corner. The end of her staff leaned up against the single window on the other side of the small room.

Rose came in with a cup of water and shut the door. She was dressed for sleeping, bare legged above her low boots. Gingerly, she picked her way across the room to the bed.

“Thank you for checking on me.” She was so damn tired of seeing Exegol inside her head.

“I got up to use the ‘fresher and heard you yelling and the sounds of things hitting the floor. I was worried something was wrong.”

Rey drank the water greedily. It still felt like a luxury, even after all this time.

“Nightmares are not uncommon around here, honestly. You do know that, right?”

She nodded. “Nobody really sleeps all that well anymore. Not after the last couple of years. So what exactly did you hear?”

“I couldn’t really understand. You just sounded terrified. Mostly just no and don’t leave me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?” How could she explain? She’d pushed Ben away and was clearly terrified of losing him all at the same time.

“Thank you but no - not right now, at least.”

Rey set the metal cup on the crate that served as her bedside table and stood up. Rose looked around at the room and asked, “What happened?”

“I must have done this in my sleep.” Throwing things with the Force in panic. _Great._

“Let’s get it picked up and get you back to bed.”

“Thank you.” Together they untangled Rey’s sheets and blankets and remade the bed. 

Rey picked up the ancient books. “I have to put these back in their box every night, if this is how I’m sleeping...” How had she grown so complacent so quickly?

“And you’re sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Rose looked so concerned.

She gritted her teeth and admitted, “I saw Ben dying on Exegol and I couldn’t stop it.” Rey hung her head and blinked a couple of times, trying to drive out the image of his clothes lying flat on the dusty floor. She waved her hands at the mess. “Apparently this was my reaction.”

Rose handed her the lightsaber. “I’m sorry.” Rey activated it briefly, the hum oddly calming. She set it reverently on her bed. Slowly they worked together to pick up the rest of her things.

“Thank you for all of your help.”

Rose smiled. “You’d do the same for me.”

“Yes, I would.”

“If you need anything, you know where I am.”

Rey finally gave her a small smile. “I do. Now go on, I don’t even want to think about what time it is.”

Rose gave Rey a hug and walked out the door, shutting it behind her.

Rey sat down on the bed and flopped backwards, looking up at the ceiling. As mad as she still was, fear crept into her heart. _It was just a dream, right? Ben’s okay?_

Closing her eyes, she deliberately opened her mind and gently stretched her awareness down along the cord that bound them together. It took a moment, but there he was. _Asleep._ With a sigh of relief, she withdrew before she inadvertently woke him. Unfortunately, their earlier conversation had done nothing to ease the tension between them. She wasn’t up for another attempt.

Crossing to the door, she turned out the light and crawled back under the covers. Maybe the rest of the night would be okay.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next morning the sun struggled to push through the clouds, a spectacular sunrise of pinks, oranges, and golds colored the horizon. Rey was awake to see it, perched on top of the _Falcon_ , trying to meditate. Another nightmare had driven her from her bed, though Rey knew this one wasn’t hers. 

She’d watched several thick red beams cutting across the blackness of space. The terror of trillions echoing through the Force. Buildings and landscapes she’d never seen, consumed by scarlet fire. Starkiller. Such deep regret and frustration. Rage at the loss of life. _Damnit._

Yesterday she had wondered about the Hosnian system. She suspected even then she knew the truth. In her dream, Ben had felt helpless, sad, and so angry. But she still needed to ask him, just the same. Poe would demand that answer, she knew.

Caf. She desperately needed caf. And food.

Rey spent most of the morning working alone rebuilding the shield generator on a small Mon Cal freighter. She worked through lunch again, finally coming out midafternoon. It felt odd to be so sharply alone, no sign of Ben anywhere in her awareness. She shrugged off the loneliness. This was her choice. She couldn't have self pity when she was the one who had deliberately shut him out.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rey was heading back to her quarters with her dinner when Maz stepped into her path.

“What troubles you? Hiding from your friends, not dining with others. Even if I could not sense your distress, child, it would still be clear.”

“I argued with Finn and Poe about Ben.”

“That is not all.” Rey looked around and saw no one else in sight and sat down, cross legged.

She hesitated a moment and then finally said, “Ben is responsible for the massacre at Tuanal.” It felt horrible to say it out loud. The words gave it actual substance and shape.

“The village on Jakku - ah.” Maz’s Force signature did not shift at all.

“You’re not mad? Or even surprised?” Rey was puzzled. 

“War equals death. How much is the only variable. Innocent bystanders will _always_ suffer. This is not the first war I have seen. I suspect it will not be the last, either. Ben was in the thick of things. He killed people. Didn’t you?”

“But…”

“You feel that your actions were justified and his were not. That is true in every war ever fought.” Rey struggled to defend herself, but Maz kept going. “There is but one real question. Can you forgive him? Not immediately, but can you see the possibility?”

“Maybe? I knew people in that village.”

“I am sorry. Why does your familiarity with the dead change your attitude? Had they been on another planet, he is still responsible.” Rey paused. He’d been at Tehar as well. Maz had an excellent point. 

“Has Ben forgiven himself?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then perhaps examine his feelings on the matter as well. Not just your own. It may give you insight. Why were you so certain that Ben would return to the Light?”

“I sensed the good in him.”

“ _When_ did you feel it? Before or after Tuanal fell?”

“After.” And suddenly all of her righteous indignation seemed terribly wrong.

“You are holding him accountable for something he cannot take back. It is very possible there are other atrocities that he committed as a servant of the First Order that you are not aware of. His past will _always_ exist. As will yours. You must both move beyond it.”

Suddenly Rey felt studied. The little woman blinked twice and then looked away.

“What are you so afraid of?” Maz asked.

“If Ben and I are stronger together, if we reinforce each other…. What if he gives in again? When I was in the Death Star, I saw myself consumed by the Dark Side. It terrified me. Ben saw it too. He didn’t want it to happen. It was one of the reasons he came to Exegol.”

“Each of us has the possibility of answering the call to anger. Every one of us can give in to darkness and despair. Being a Force user simply means that choice has far deeper consequences.” 

“What if _you_ were to give in? Do you believe he would follow you into the Dark? Or try to pull you back to the Light?”

Rey considered that for a moment. Remembered his absolute determination that she would not go alone to Exegol. “He’d try to bring me back.”

“Then I think you have your answer.”

“Thank you.” _Truly._ Rey stood and gathered up her meal.

Maz smiled serenely. “You are most welcome. This cannot have been easy for you. Listen to your heart. And to the Force. With their counsel, I believe you will find the right path.”

She nodded at the tiny woman and stepped away. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rey dreamed of running through the jungle. Kylo Ren was in pursuit, his lightsaber crackling and casting impossible shadows. Trees fell in his wake. She ran and ran, as quietly and quickly as possible. And still Kylo Ren stalked forward relentlessly. Somewhere nearby she could feel Ben’s fear, feel the pain in his side. He was close and running just as hard as she was. She felt his fear, his deep seated belief that he would never escape.

Suddenly there was another presence up ahead. She stepped into a small clearing to see her own double, dressed in dark robes, a red light staff in her hand. A quick chuckle. “How nice to see you. Have you finally accepted who you really are?” _No._ Rey turned and fled back into the trees. She could hear the footsteps behind her giving chase.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The sun was barely above the horizon when Rey stepped into the jungle. Half an hour ago, she’d woken up from another nightmare, legs cramping. She’d given up on sleep and started stretching in her room. She spent the morning running the training course. Not pushing, just trying to be fully present in each moment, focus on each obstacle. 

After two complete passes, she went to her favorite meditation spot and sat down. Focused on the sounds of nature singing around her. The interaction of the trees with the wind. The rocks sitting on the ground. Her breath. And suddenly she found the balance point. The stillness within. Concentrating fiercely on each emotion, and then letting it go. Fear. Love. Anger. Hope. Regret. She opened herself completely to the Force. A simple vessel to the Cosmic Will of the Universe. Suddenly she felt absolutely weightless.

After some time, she hears a voice.

_Reexamine his memories, you must. Misled, they were, the night Luke’s Temple fell. The truth escaped both master and apprentice._

_Master?_ Rey held her breath, afraid to break the spell.

 _Watched I did, as his grandfather rose in strength and then was consumed. Sorrow we all felt as young Solo followed the same path._ There was a definite presence nearby, strong in the Force.

She opened her eyes to see the tiny, green Jedi with the walking stick standing before her. “Master?”

“Unprecedented is the bond you share. The Force working to find balance, perhaps. More than that I do not know. Patience. Your path you shall find.” And then he vanished.

Rey felt the meditation slip away, and heard rocks and branches dropping as she focused on easing to the ground.

According to everything she was told, Ben destroyed the Temple. How could he have been misled about that? Had even that been part of the trap laid by the Sith? If she tried to access his memories, it would open the Bond. Not now. Not just yet. She wasn’t ready.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Late that night Rey returned to her quarters to find Poe sitting on the floor with his back against her door, tapping on a datapad in his hands. 

"I hoped you would come back here eventually. Can we talk?” 

“Do I have a choice, General?”

“Yes, you do, but I think talking to somebody would do you some good. Rose told me you’ve been having some bad nightmares. She’s worried about you.”

Poe stood up to allow her to step past him. She crossed to the bed and started unlacing her boots. He walked into her room and grabbed the lone chair, straddling it, setting the datapad at his feet.

“Everyone around here has nightmares. Don’t you?”

“Yes, but I’m also not trashing my room in my sleep.” 

“It was only the one time.” Rey tossed her boots into the corner.

“So far. You could hurt yourself or someone else.” Rey wrinkled her nose and glared at him.

“And Finn tells me you and Kylo - ah - Ben - seem to have a thing.” His tone was conciliatory, but she could read his underlying confusion and anger.

“Not that it is any of your business, but…. yes.”

“Well, it kind of is my business. You’re part of this group, and therefore my responsibility. He also tells me you didn’t know what really happened at Tuanal.”

Rey looked away. “I didn’t realize Ben was responsible for it.”

“And you know that’s when I was captured?”

“Yes” her voice sounded odd to her own ears. She turned back to Poe.

“The First Order tortured me and then Kylo Ren dug around inside my head, looking for information. I thought he was going to kill me.” She could see flashes of the confrontation from Poe’s perspective, they were still so vivid inside his memory. Pain and fear bursting through his skull.

“I’m sorry.” Rey blinked away tears. She remembered being strapped into that chair, but it seemed like even then Kylo Ren treated her differently somehow.

“You claim that’s not who he is anymore. But how does that excuse anything that he did?”

“It doesn’t. And I’ve _never_ said that it does. Leia wanted him to turn his back on the First Order more than anything. She believed he was still worth saving.”

“Leia and I didn’t agree on everything. You know that.” Rey shook her head. Everyone knew that. He never gave Leia a centimeter if he thought she’d made the wrong call.

“But she was _right_ about Ben. She gave her life for one last try. I went to Kef Bir searching for the Sith wayfinder. I found him waiting for me in the ruins of the Death Star. He wound up with the Wayfinder and crushed it, saying the only way I was getting to Exegol was with him. We started fighting, just like we always did.” She replayed the moment in her mind. She attacked first, in anger. He simply dodged her saber swings for a bit before finally igniting his own blade.

“Eventually, we were outside in the rain, and the spray of the waves. The water was so cold. He knocked me down, and could have easily killed me. And suddenly he just stopped. Like he heard something - and it was Leia. Ben reacted, releasing his saber. I caught it and ran him through. Then I felt her die. We both did. He dropped like a stone, absolutely broken. I healed him.” And finally admitted to Ben out loud what she really wanted all along.

Rey fought back a sob, frustrated by how things were now. “Then I stole his ship and fled to Ahch-To. The next time I saw him, he was Ben Solo through and through. Kylo Ren was completely gone. If I can teach Finn how to look at others through the Force, he’ll be able to sense it, too.”

“Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?”

“The change is real, Poe.” She believed it down to her bones. _Then why are you still so mad about things that happened years ago?_ Rey asked herself.

“If it’s true, you do realize you are the only one who’s seen it.”

“Han and Leia both gave everything to try and save him, damnit. How can I turn my back on him now? He just needs a chance.” _You’ve shut him out, why are you lecturing Poe?_ her subconscious reminded her.

“I don’t know, Rey. It’s going to be difficult.”

“Who knows about this?” Maybe that was the answer.

“You and me, and Finn. Rose, of course, but I think you told her.” He shrugged. “I didn’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t even know how to explain it.”

“The fact that we don’t have him in our custody gives you some space. I can’t honestly say what would happen if he showed up here.”

“I would hope that you would at least listen to him.”

“Listen to what, exactly? That he needs to answer for his war crimes?”

“How many bombs did _we_ set trying to take out their ships, their soldiers? How many stormtroopers that had been pressed and brainwashed into service did we kill? And how many people will turn their backs on the First Order if he is used as an example? If he speaks out against them? He is Leia Organa’s son. That still holds weight.” The last Prince of Alderaan, hiding out in the wilderness on Naboo.

“That isn’t my call - or yours. Let me think about this, okay? Do you know where he is?”

“I do.”

“Are you willing to tell me?”

“No.”

Poe grimaced slightly but continued. “So… Is he at least away from people?”  
  
“Yes.”

“Is he likely to stay put?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay, that’s something, at least. Don’t let him show up here unannounced. That wouldn’t go well. Finn is still…. angry to say the least.”

“Another thing - this connection between the two of you. Do you know how to break it?”

Rey gaped at him. “Break it? Why?”

“How much does he know? Can he control you? Does he know where we are? If he does, then that’s a liability. Do we need to evacuate? The First Order isn’t dead Rey. It’s wounded, but we didn’t kill it.”

“He can’t control me, anymore than I can control him. We figured that out from the start. He knows where we are. But he has no intention of returning to the First Order. I promise you that. And as for our bond, I honestly don’t think it _can_ be broken. Not permanently.” 

“Who knows that Ben became Kylo Ren?”

“Not that many people, honestly.” Poe thought for a moment.

“Chewie, Finn and I. Connix, probably. She seems to know everything. Maz and Rose. Leia played things pretty close to the vest. There was some bad blood about family lines. I don’t think you know this, but years ago one of Leia’s rivals in the Senate exposed her as Vader’s daughter as a power play. It was completely unknown, and then it was everywhere.” _Poor Leia._

“She wouldn’t have wanted everyone in the Resistance to know that the Supreme Leader was her son anymore than she wanted everyone to know who her biological father was.”

Rey looked at him with hope. “But secrets aren’t the way to start a new government, if we get that far. You have _got_ to work on your sabaac face. It’s just terrible.”

 _Leia would have had an answer._ Pointing that out to Poe served no purpose. He was in charge now, along with Finn. 

“C’mon, Poe, surely you’ve fallen for the wrong person?”

He started nodding immediately. “Oh, yea, I’ve been head over heels for the wrong girl, and certainly the wrong guy, Maker knows.”

“Well, then can’t you have some understanding for the way I feel? I didn’t choose this. Not the connection, not my emotions. I swear to you, had I chosen someone to fall for, it would not have been him.”

“So, what about Tuanal?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well you have a choice, really. Get over it, or get over him.”

Rey blew out an angry breath. “I know.”

Poe looked at her. “Okay. I’m not going to push.” He got to his feet and grabbed his 'pad. “Let me know when you come to a decision. Or if he is going to show up here. I’d need to prepare Finn for that, at the very least.

“Understood.”

“And the medics do have drugs that make you sleep without dreams, if you want some actual rest.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” _Not a chance._

“Take care of yourself, Rey. Please.”

Poe walked over to the door. “Remember, you do have friends here. Let us know if we can help, okay?”

“I will, I promise.” That she could do.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rey felt like she was flying, quickly pushed through the open air. Her limbs were pinwheeling, looking for purchase, and then she was plummeting, bouncing off the rocks, bones splintering. Terror filled her heart as she fell away into the darkness. She sat up with a gasp. Karking, bloody, _kriffing_ Exegol. Her right hip ached with phantom pain. Dropping back into the bed, she focused on here and now. The sensation of the sheets against her skin, the sound of the air circulator running in her room. Reaching out, she picked up Leia’s lightsaber and turned it on for just a moment, listening to the hum.

Falling into Ben’s memories always made things feel unreal when she awoke. She never had gotten around to asking him what happened. Palpatine must have thrown him while she’d been unconscious. No wonder his hip still hurt. He’d landed on it with all of his body weight.

Rolling over she tried to get back to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The first thing she felt was the spray of cold water. Rey opened her eyes to see herself, angry and exhausted, trying to block Kylo Ren’s lightsaber swinging over and over again as they stood on the wreckage of the Death Star. Finally falling to her knees. He struck again, knocking her lightsaber out of the way. He was done playing games with her. The scavenger had been a thorn in his side from the beginning. Palpatine said he wanted her dead. _Fine._ Dead she would be. And then he would kill the clone of the old Sith, too. Then nothing would stand in his way of complete control. The red blade came down, cutting deeply across her body from left shoulder to right hip. Rey watched as her double dropped her saber, drew a last tortured breath and died.

She felt Ben’s terror the entire time, heard his rambling pleas of _No, stop, Stop! You son of a bitch!_ Ben’s screaming voice is what finally woke her from the dream. Rey pushed up on her hands and sat back on her heels, shaking with cold, startled by the sudden quiet of her room. Ben’s dreams were more vivid inside her head than they had been in months.

Tomorrow. She would try to talk to him about this tomorrow. Right now she was far too jittery from too much adrenaline and not enough sleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a lot of chatter, but they just kept talking....
> 
> If anyone sees any giant mistakes, please let me know.  
> I am tired of editing and want to post the next chapter (which should happen very, very soon)
> 
> Feedback and comments are very good for your karma.


	8. Struggling in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dark side was gone. Snoke, Palpatine, the Knights, all dead. The only darkness that remained came from his own soul. He was alone with his own thoughts.
> 
> TW: Suicidal thoughts; depression

**TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION; SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ben couldn’t believe the renegade stormtrooper had found them kissing in her room. Of all people.

He had barely spoken to Rey since that disastrous confrontation three days ago. She felt more distant than she had in some time. Not that he could blame her. The look on her face haunted him. _How can you let that monster touch you?_ Finn’s outraged voice rang through his head again. 

_Monster._ How he hated that word. Ben knew without a doubt that he had been a monster. He had been one for so long - was he one still? How could he even tell?

And Finn could certainly bear witness to his monstrous deeds - he’d honestly forgotten the man was there on Jakku after everything that had happened since. Closing his eyes, he could still hear the screams of the villagers as they’d died. He had felt the stormtrooper’s revulsion that night and clearly remembered dismissing him as weak, and not worthy to serve.

In truth, it was Ben who had always felt that way. He had never truly believed he was good enough at anything, except for flying. Not calligraphy, not meditation, not dueling. He applied himself full tilt to every task, every skill. That is why he practiced and studied everything he could get his hands on. He wasn’t the smart one, or the talented one, he was the one who was terrified at being revealed as a fraud. At being discovered that everything he’d ever done had been pure luck.

It had taken Ben forever to find sleep after the encounter. The rain he had smelled earlier finally arrived and the storm was amazingly loud. He’d pressed his bedroll as far into the shallow cave as possible, and still felt a light spatter from the chilly, blowing rain. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried desperately to calm down and find rest. Nothing had worked. Exhaustion finally pulled him under into slumber.

Dreams of all sorts had plagued him since Exegol, but that night they had become terrible and absolutely relentless. A seemingly endless litany of his past deeds. The destruction of the Jedi Temple. Killing his father. The slaughter on Mustafar. The butchering of the villagers on Jakku and Tehar, people screaming as they burned. Killing Voe and Hennix. Blowing up the hangar bay on the Republic flagship. And through it all Rey stood behind him watching everything he did over and over again. Her eyes full of sadness and disgust.

After the destruction of the Jedi Temple, Ben thought he was following his destined path when he joined the First Order. He had fervently believed Snoke’s abuse was making him stronger, that the pain helped him grow. Made him believe he was Vader’s rightful heir. He’d been a fool. But he was still responsible for his actions. All of them.

The next day Ben wanted to contact Rey and beg her to understand. Plead with her that he once believed in creating peace through subjugation, just as he had found with the dark side. That he had wanted to help establish order in the galaxy. That now he'd seen how wrong he was. Wrong about everything.

Ben spent the day training instead, while the rain pelted down. He’d fashioned a crude staff and tried to distract himself by beating on trees and clambering up sharp rock faces. He refined the haft of the scavenged polearm into a practice sword. Meditation was completely impossible again, no matter how hard he tried. He was out of balance and he knew it.

The grey clouds had mostly fled and the sun was creeping to the horizon when Rey finally spoke to him. The Force uniting them against her will it seemed. So much had happened since she simply hated him, Ben had forgotten what her disgust felt like across the Bond. Their conversation was brief and awkward, and at the end of it she shut him out again. He’d grown so used to her presence hovering at the edge of his awareness, her absence pained.

He didn’t blame her at all. Jakku was where she had grown up. Of course she would have a visceral reaction to the news. Could they get past this? Did she even want to try?

Every day he pushed himself as hard as he could physically, trying to rebuild his stamina. He set the saber and the blaster aside and focused on staff work instead. Climbing the nearby cliffs. Ben had fallen three times now, seemingly unable to concentrate on the task at hand. His body was still tired, but his spirit was exceedingly restless. He was alone with nothing but his own thoughts for company, and that had never been a good thing.

His final dream last night had been something different. Ben dreamed of running through the jungle. Deep shadows crowded in on every side as he tried to find footing among the roots and thick ground cover. He could hear heavy steps behind him, along with the crackling of that badly designed lightsaber. Trees crashed down as Kylo Ren carved a wide path through the dense foliage, chasing him as a wolf ran down a rabbit. Somewhere off in the distance, he could sense Rey as well, fleeing in the same general direction as he was. He heard her shriek and felt her change direction. In trying to find her, he turned right into Kylo’s path and was quickly cut down. He awoke from his “death” and gave up on sleep. 

Stretching out his legs, Ben looked up at the stars. It was late. He'd been here eight days and had finally felt up for a genuinely lengthy run and training session this afternoon, but now found himself utterly exhausted. It had been forever since he trained anywhere besides a sterile metal environment, much less in a place with hills.

What was next for him? He still had no idea how to move forward. Perhaps exile? This planet was certainly lovely enough, and there was even family property here, should he choose to claim it. But Rey… he wanted nothing more than to get to know her. Properly. Completely. Even now that understood why he had become so taken with her so quickly, she still intrigued him. Could that be his path? How had he earned anything close to a happy ending?

Provided she could forgive everything he had done, of course. He had not so much as felt her presence for two days. What did she think of him now? Did she still believe he had changed? He knew their dreams were blending, but he had no memory of speaking to her when he woke. Just visions of death and destruction dancing across his mind’s eye.

The dark side had always been about capitulation for him. Not seduction. It was never anything he _wanted_ to do. It was always a role he'd felt destined to play - another part of his never ending inheritance. Following in the footsteps of giants, but never able to fulfill his full potential. The shadows were inevitably filled with murmuring voices, claiming to understand who he was, that it was okay. How could he admit that to his parents? To Luke? They already thought he was cursed.

Ben had lived so long with those voices whispering in his head, lies and looming shadows that exploited his darkness. Enhancing it. Now that the external voices were gone, the only darkness that remained came from his own soul. His own subconscious supplied the words, and bleak thoughts just chased each other in a terrible circle inside his mind. His instincts pushed at him to reach out to find Rey, but he did not want to burden her any further than he already had, and he had promised he would not....

Tossing and turning in his bedroll, Ben desperately sought sleep. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He was back on the ruins of the Death Star. His lightsaber locked with Rey’s. Ben watched the battle unfold again, reduced to a spectator inside his own head. The two of them had been dancing like this for so long. Wave after wave of freezing water had covered them, driven them further along the wreck. She had jumped again. He had simply walked slowly forward, soaked to the bone. _No._ Rey was exhausted, he could feel it. And he was done toying with her. _Stop._ The anger in her heart was impressive. But he knew the darkness in his soul was greater than hers. _No, stop!_ She’d become sloppy. She’d never join him. She’d just be another person trying to control him. _She’s not your enemy!!_

Palpatine said he wanted her dead. Fine. Dead she would be. And he would kill the clone of the old Sith, too. Then nothing would stand in his way. _Stop, stop, stop it!!_ Ben watched in horror as Rey let down her guard and flinched as he swung. The jagged red blade came down, cutting deeply across her body from left shoulder to right hip. _NO, stop, stop, you son of a bitch!_ He felt her weaken and then slip away into the void. Kylo Ren looked down at the body of his fallen enemy. Reaching through the Force, he pulled his grandfather’s lightsaber into his hand and walked away.

Ben lurched into consciousness, the family lightsaber clenched in his trembling left hand. Rey was alive. She hadn’t died on Kef Bir. _It was just a nightmare. Just another kriffing nightmare._ He set the saber down and concentrated on the sounds of the forest around him. Reached out to the Force that pulsed in the life that surrounded him. He focused on controlling his breathing and tried to get back to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The sky was cold and grey above Ben’s head. Dead bodies lay all around him. He had caused every bit of this carnage. There was the body of his father, shock still clear on his face. His mother, so sad. Luke. Innocent civilians. Resistance fighters blown apart. Voe. Hennix. His fellow Padawans from the Temple. Lor San Tekka. Cultists, priests. Soldiers who had been pressed into service for the First Order. 

Broken bodies stretched out into the distance in every direction. Torn and bruised. Burned beyond recognition. Missing limbs. Crushed throats. Lightsaber cuts faintly glowing. These were his dead. All of them. Ben slowly walked forward, feet fighting to find ground through the crush of bodies. Then his eyes fell on a single corpse in white, curled on her side without a mark on her. He reached down and her skin was cold and stiff to the touch. _Rey - no - NO!_

Ben awoke from the nightmare screaming. The pain in his throat told him he had been doing that for some time.

His dead. Ben wiped his face, scrubbing the tear tracks away with his palms. Those were his to carry. He had somehow managed to save Rey, but how did that make up for all those he had slain in his mad denial of himself? He had fought and fought against the Light, becoming more angry, more ruthless each time he felt a tug. Trying to deny what he felt in his heart.

With a shaky sigh, Ben rolled off his pallet and stood at the faintly glowing embers of his evening fire. He had slept for a while, the moons were low in the sky. He was so tired of these damn nightmares.

And if he wasn’t dreaming of the things he actually did, he was dreaming of the things he _would_ have done, had he given in to all of his impulses as Kylo Ren. An innocent interaction with someone gone horribly wrong because of his temper. Believing the little voice telling him he could have anyone or _anything_ he wanted - he just had to take it. His saber crackling and spitting as he cut down Finn and Poe, executing them like traitors. Crushing Hux’s trachea. Watching the _Falcon_ be blown to smithereens, feeling Chewbacca and Rey burn as the wreckage tumbled to the salt flats of Crait. Turning Snoke’s Force lightning back against him. Actually firing on the command bridge of the Resistance frigate, feeling his mother die as she was sucked out into space. Rey on her knees trembling and terrified before him in Snoke’s throne room, waiting for him to slit her throat. Every time he slept, the nightmares became more and more vivid.

Rey said he was worth it. How could that even be possible? History lessons came nagging at him. What if the Resistance chose to put him on trial? What would be his punishment? Prison? Execution? His actions didn't merit much else. He knew somehow that Rey would never allow that to happen, and he would be making her choose... Again.

Didn’t he deserve to be tried and executed for war crimes? He had ordered the deaths of unarmed civilians. He had slain hundreds with his own two hands. How would he ever be free from that?

Death would be such a gift. It was certainly more than he deserved. Rey should have just let him die on Exegol. Stars knew he had tried. A dead reformed villain was so much easier to deal with than a live one. Anakin had been lucky in that regard.

What did she expect him to do? How was he supposed to live with himself? Much less anyone else. He had not earned forgiveness, not from her or anyone else. He was a weight around her neck. She had found a place with the Resistance. A sense of belonging. A family that she had always craved. What right did he have to take that away from her? To ask her to choose him?

It would be better if he hid himself away forever. Become a hermit. Like Luke. Ben gave a harsh bark of a laugh at the irony. He understood that drive - to flee, to hide from everything. But he had known that urge for years. This just cast that need into sharper focus.

All he ever wanted was to be a pilot like his father. The only place he ever felt truly at home was in the cockpit. It didn’t matter what it was, he loved the sensation of speed, of being in control of his own fate. The _Falcon_ had always equalled freedom in his mind, but the Force had kept chasing him. 

How were you supposed to make a little boy understand that he shouldn’t move things with his mind when it was as natural as using his hand? How could anyone expect an angry six year old to resist when he could send things flying around the room if he didn’t get his way? In fits of anger, momentos and toys flew. Transparisteel cracked like glass.

His parents had been such public figures. There was no way they could hide the fact that their son was not normal. Ben could remember overhearing conversations as a child when they thought he was sleeping after one of his more violent temper tantrums.

_He frightens me, Leia - how are we supposed to deal with this?_

_What do you want me to do, Han? Send him away? He’s our son - he’s our responsibility!_

The same fight over and over. Luke’s and Chewie’s voices sometimes intermixed. The more he raged, the more they left him alone, the more they avoided bringing him out in public.

Ben had always felt the pressure of the various expectations. His true self buried under the weight of the _Legacies_ that he carried. No one pushed, but he knew everyone wanted something from him. Pilot. Jedi. Royalty. Statesman. Diplomat. How the hell was anyone supposed to live up to all of that?? He didn’t want to be Force sensitive. He didn’t want to be the last Prince of Alderaan, schooled in history and rhetoric.

Perhaps he never should have been born in the first place. Luke could have finished training the others in peace - started the Order again.

No one would have suffered for him. _Because_ of him. Anger had always been so easy. But now it offered him no solace. Ben could still hear Snoke’s voice inside his head, even after all of the revelations. It was only an echo, but it was so clear - mocking his weakness, his sentimentality. Ordering him to kill everyone he had ever loved. Even after killing his father, Snoke had still ridiculed him. It made his skin crawl in revulsion.

Ben reached down and picked up his family’s saber. He should have turned his own blade on himself long ago. So many people would be alive if he had found that sort of strength.

The universe certainly had no need for him anymore. There was simply no way he could make up for everything he had done. If he had a thousand years, he could never make things right. And surely he would fall again. After all, the darkness in him had _always_ been there - it still whispered in his dreams at night, gathered in the gloom as he tried to sleep. He would give in to his anger and hurt someone. It was only a matter of time.

He was nothing but a burden on Rey. She would have a better life without him in it. She would be _free._ Free of him - free to live. Free to find someone who her friends would accept. Wasn’t that for the best?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Far away on Ajan Kloss, Rey awoke with a start. Another nightmare. The dream had been disturbing, and she had no clear memory of any of it. Just the sight of her own still face and the echo of Ben’s voice. She tried to clear her head, chasing away the remnants, hoping to go back to sleep. The feeling of unease did not vanish with meditation, but kept increasing. Something was very, very wrong. 

_Ben._

Dropping her shields, and reaching out through the Force, she could see him clearly. He was standing near the edge of a rocky outcropping, looking down over a clearing, turning his lightsaber thoughtfully in his hands. No one else was in sight. Instantly, she could feel his despair pouring through the link.

Ben was so far inside his own head, he did not feel Rey opening up their connection. He appeared in front of her, and she could sense his deep anguish. She gasped, and he turned with a start. His eyes were wild and dark, framed by the unruly snarl of his hair falling onto unshaven cheeks.

“I didn’t call for you, I swear.” She instinctively reached for him.

“Ben?” When her fingertips met the skin of his arm, he pulled away. His emotions were so tumultuous. Fear, guilt, fury, _hatred._

“You shouldn’t be here,” he muttered angrily. Suddenly the view flickered, and she could see a shadow of a blue blade sticking out of Ben, just as she had seen it emerge from Han’s back. Her breath caught in her throat. 

Rey realized with horror that she had spent so much energy trying to block him and figure out how _she_ felt about what he’d done, she’d missed the fact that he was cracking. She had to pull him back.

She held out her hand. "Please give me the saber."

He hesitated a moment, staring daggers at her, then handed it over with a growl. Rey tossed it away towards his bedroll.

“Ben, we’ll figure this out. Please - it’s okay.” His hands curled into tight fists, the half healed scratches standing out against the white of his knuckles.

He snarled at her, “It is not okay. This is not okay.” Tears shone clearly in his eyes as he shook his head. 

“What do you expect from me, Rey? What do you want me to do?” Ben’s voice grew louder with each word. His body language, his tone of voice, the way he bared his teeth, it was pure Kylo Ren. Everything except his eyes, which were darker than she’d ever seen.

“I’m not sure what you mean.” Anger radiated from him, and as always, her defenses instinctively rose to meet it. “Please tell me.”

“Why am I still _here_ ? How am I supposed to live now? What do you expect me to do?! _Why didn’t you just let me_ GO?!” Her heart broke just a little at the last statement. 

Rey reached out and wrapped her hands around his. She felt tears gather in her eyes at his pain. “Stop, please! You know _why_." His Force signature was so chaotic and dark, the rage boiling away inside of him, seeking an outlet. “You need to calm down.” _And so do I._

She was furious at him for even contemplating death. Not now, not after finding each other, not after all they’d survived. But answering his fury with her own always escalated things - they _had_ to learn new ways to interact besides attacking one another. "Your emotions are getting the best of you. Just take a breath."

Ben snorted and said scornfully, “You’re scared of me, right? Afraid of what I might do to you?”

She lifted her chin and looked him straight in the eye. “No, not in the slightest. I am scared for you. Please sit down. _Please._ ” Rey tamped down her own anger, her own defiance. Focused on projecting serenity. Patience. _Peace._

He exhaled noisily and dropped to his knees in front of her, sinking into a cross legged seated position as she released his hands. She walked behind Ben and knelt, placing her palms lightly on his shoulders, as his head slumped forward.

“Breathe. Just breathe, Ben.” She reached out through the Force and let him feel her emotions, projecting the concern and the burgeoning love she had for him. In return, Rey could feel his despair, his utter hopelessness. His intense anger at himself. His desire that this would all just **stop**. _You are not alone. Remember?_

She had spent the last few days trying everything to block him out, but now Rey dropped every wall, every shield, every resistance, and focused on letting him see all that she felt for him. The cold darkness in him started to thaw in response.

After a moment, Rey felt Ben's shoulders tremble under her hands. She wrapped her arms around his neck, placing her palms flat against his chest. Just holding him and letting him relax. Despite his words, he leaned heavily into her touch. She could feel his pounding heart beat start to settle. They sat like that for a few moments, her head bending to rest against the back of his own. 

His voice was a deep grumble. “I’m not worth it. Don’t you understand? I’ll _destroy_ you. It’s only a matter of time. I kill everything I care for.” Her heart ached for him.

“Stop it. You will not destroy me. You tried, remember? I tried to destroy you. And yet we still ended up here.”

She could feel the muscles in his jaw flexing as he ground his teeth. “What do I have to offer you?” 

“Ben.” _How could he ask that after everything?_

“No - it is a genuine question. Where can this go? What can I possibly offer you?”

Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Yourself. It’s all I want. Just you.”

Ben turned to face her, hands still clenched into trembling fists. “Why?! I _am_ a monster, Rey. Stars above, I’m responsible for the death of so many people. On Jakku. On Tehar. Hell, you watched me murder my own father who was just trying to talk to me.” A flash of Han’s pained face illuminated in ghastly, flickering red came through the Bond and she heard his breath catch in a sob.

“The stormtrooper is right, I don’t deserve forgiveness. Not from you. Not from anyone. How can you even look at me? I should have died on Exegol.” Ben’s self-loathing was almost like a living thing, coiled around his throat, a remnant of Snoke’s endless belittling reproachments. Why had she cut herself off from him?

This was the soul of the man she had sensed buried under the raw screaming rage of Kylo Ren for so long. Tormented by sorrow and deep regret. She knew he was not a monster, but she needed him to believe it too. But how to reach him? Contact.

Rey crawled into Ben’s lap, legs straddling his hips and wrapped her arms around him, tucking herself against him as close as she could, her head up under his chin. As much skin against skin as she could manage. Her tunic slid up across her thighs.

“I am here, and you are here, and neither of us is going anywhere. Do you understand me?”

More tension fell away from him as his forearms slid against the warmth of her naked flesh, encircling her instinctively. She felt his palms slide along her back. Ben had been lonesome for so long. They both had. She tightened her grip around his chest. “You told me I wasn’t alone. Convinced me of it. Remember? You said you never lied to me. You are my other half, damn it. You know that. You can’t leave me now.” _You survived Snoke, you survived the Knights, you survived Palpatine. There is no way you are giving in to this despair. Do you hear me?!_

A shudder went through him and she felt his nod against the top of her skull. “I’m sorry for the way I left things between us. It wasn’t fair to shut you out so completely.”

Ben’s breath hitched a little. “It’s terribly selfish of me to ask for your help. I am sorry you heard me.”

“I’m not. Not at all. We’ve both spent far too much time in isolation. I think it is one of the reasons we understand each other so well.” She held on to him for several minutes, the Bond blown wide open, every thing she felt for him laid bare. Her affection for all of his broken bits. A gorgeous contradictory array of grace and strength, light and shadow, hope and despair. 

His rage was fading, regrets quieting slowly in the face of her deep seated faith in his ability to move forward. Finally Rey lifted her head and kissed Ben on the edge of his jaw, pushing one hand into the thick black curls of his hair. His whiskers were rough against her lips. “Are you okay?”

His arms tightened around her waist in response. “No. But I might be eventually. Way too soon to tell.” 

Rey pulled back to look him in the eye. “For what it’s worth, I’m really glad you’re not dead. I don’t know what I would have done. And I realize that we have been at each other’s throats for some time now, but you were the one who kept showing up, who understood some of what I was struggling with - the search for who I was really meant to be.”

“But I also kept hurting you. I chased you. I tried to kill you and your friends. I’m so sorry. I did such terrible things to so many people. All the death that I caused.” His voice broke. “Tell me how the _hell_ am I supposed to make up for any of it?”

“I don’t know. But I’d like to help you figure it out. I believe you will find a way.” _And so did your whole family_ , she thought to herself.

Coming back to himself, Ben finally realized Rey was dressed for sleeping, in nothing much more than a soft tunic. She smelled absolutely delightful. And she was in his lap, her bare thighs wrapped around his hips, her groin up against his abdomen. He could feel her heels lodged against his lower back. Her breasts barely brushed his chest, covered by nothing but her shirt. He was suddenly _very_ aware of the warmth of her skin. And exactly how much of it was exposed. Almost instantly his body started responding to her closeness. That was not why she was in his arms right now.

Ben pressed his face into her shoulder and hugged her tightly, then lifted her up and slightly away, so she was kneeling in front of him.

“That position is not helping me to think more clearly.” He could just see Rey’s slight blush under the moonlight.

Ben reached for her hand and said, “But thank you for trying to help.” He attempted to smile - it still felt odd on his face, after all these years.

“Our connection is stronger when we are in physical contact.”

“It is.” Of that, he had no doubt. It was almost electric.

“And you weren’t listening to me - you were listening to something else.”

“Ghosts. Memories. Old habits. Snoke’s training.” _The darkness that has always whispered in the back of my mind._ “Not the first time. It likely won’t be the last time either.” 

“We’ll get through it. Do you want to talk about it? How can I help?”

“You have helped - you came.” _You reminded me that I am not alone._ Rey smiled at him.

“Before.. .this… our connection.” She hesitated, unsure if this was any of her business. He’d spent so long sealed away behind that mask. “When was the last time someone hugged you or just touched you in a way that didn’t hurt?” 

And suddenly he wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Ben, what is it?”

“Um. It’s been a little while. Despite the use of the word passion in the Sith code, Snoke didn’t really approve of the pleasures of the flesh.” Rey settled into a cross legged position facing him.

 _That's not the question I need to ask._ “What were you thinking of doing when I first arrived?” _Would he admit it?_

“Nothing good. My training with Snoke reinforced suppression of every emotion but anger. And now I have no one to be angry at but myself. But sometimes I just can’t hold it in.”

“It’s not healthy to hold everything in. We have to find balance - remember?”

Ben nodded. His expression was more serene, and he certainly felt calmer through the Force.

Rey looked up at the sky, “Are you going to try and go back to sleep?”

“I don’t know. I probably should. Dawn is still several hours away, I think.” He stood and helped her to her feet. She wouldn’t let go of his hand.

He crossed over to his bedroll, Rey trailing behind him. He looked at her, trying to find a way to ask the question.

She nodded. “I’ll stay as long as I can. And if I’m not here in the morning, I will contact you again when I wake up, okay?”

Ben could see the concern written across her features. “And I’ll be here, I promise.”

Rey visibly relaxed, and pulled him towards her for another hug.

“You damned well better be.”

Ben moved the saber into place above his pillow and lay down. She sat and folded herself in beside him, facing him. Her head was tucked up beneath his own, pillowed on his chest. He curled his arm around her shoulders, and she folded her knee across his thighs.

“You are so warm.”

“Sorry,” he murmured. 

“No, it’s good. I always hated the cold at night.”

He pulled the blanket so it covered her securely, leaving his right foot out in the air.

“Good night, Rey.”

“Good night, Ben.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come, definitely

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sith Code:  
> Peace is a lie, there is only passion.  
> Through passion, I gain strength.  
> Through strength, I gain power.  
> Through power, I gain victory.  
> Through victory, my chains are broken.  
> The Force shall free me.
> 
> Most of this was written on 1/18/20, between the hours of midnight and 3 am.  
> Large chunks of this wrote themselves, and did not go the way I intended.... I wound up having to get here. It took a while.
> 
> I am very excited to post it and most anxious to hear what you think about this chapter. Comments and constructive criticism would be most welcome.
> 
> Chapter finally posted 3/24/20


	9. Forward Motion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after Ben's bad night... Conversations abound.

Rey awoke with a start the next morning in her own bed, a plan crystal clear in her mind. Before she even moved, she opened her senses to the Bond, and stretched out her awareness to check on Ben. She was surprised to find him still asleep. _Peacefully_ asleep, at that. Outside her window, the sun was just peeking over the horizon. Given that Naboo’s cycle was a few hours ahead of Ajan Kloss, she was certain he’d be awake by now. She pulled on a pair of cropped pants under her night tunic along with her short boots, quickly visited the ‘fresher and then went back to her room and bolted the door.

Sitting on the bed, Rey took a slow breath, and then another. Falling into deliberate meditation, she reached out through the Force. Ben was sound asleep, curled away from the bright morning sun, knees pressed tightly into the rocky wall. His Force signature was a sharp contrast to everything from the night before.

She sat down beside him, just watching him for a moment. Last night he had indeed scared her. Rey had seen a variety of emotions from him over the years, but nothing prepared her for that level of deep self-loathing. Even after Han’s death, he’d been more rage than that dark despair.

Rey slipped off her boots, lifted the edge of his blanket and laid down behind him. The morning air was cool, and he was very warm. Easing herself against the strong width of his back, she gently laid her arm across his waist. Rey hoped she could lay here with him for a few minutes before he awoke. She was so grateful for their Bond. He was literally on the other side of the galaxy, and she could still hold him in her arms.

After a few minutes, Ben hummed, his subconscious aware of her presence. Rey held her breath as his arm slid across hers, tangling their fingers. Slowly he woke, and she felt his legs pressing more firmly against her own.

“Surely, I must be dreaming again.” His voice was a deep, rumbling baritone.

“Not quite.” Rey smiled and pressed her face into his spine, relishing the sensation of his calm, relaxed breathing. After last night, she had been worried about what state he might be in this morning. This was such a delightful surprise.

“How did you sleep after I left?” 

“Deeply. If I had nightmares, I don’t remember them.” _Thank the stars,_ thought Rey.

Ben turned so he could wrap his arm around her. Rey shifted to snuggle into his side and rest her head on his shoulder, their still entwined hands folded on his chest. The warmth of his body felt wonderful. “How are you feeling?” 

“Much better, thank you.” His voice echoed into his chest, tickling her ear. 

“Good. I’m glad to hear it.”

“I’m sorry about last night.”

“There’s no need to apologize. I shut you out. Completely. After everything….” Her voice trailed off, unsure of how to even address the last few months. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Ben made a non committal grunt in response. _Now’s as good a time as any, I suppose…_ she thought.

Rey asked, “Do you feel that you’ve had enough time here?” He lifted his head to meet her eyes. He was so handsome. He looked so different, especially with the scruff growing across cheeks and chin.

Ben considered her words for a moment. “Maybe. Perhaps in another day or two.... I might be ready to consider leaving.”

She pushed up onto an elbow. “I’d like for us to be in the same place.” _We are so much stronger together._

“Where do you want that to be?”

“Would you be willing to come to the Resistance base?”

“Don’t they want my head?”

“It’s… complicated, but I woke up with an idea that might help. With your knowledge, you could help us dismantle what remains of the First Order. I think that is how you can prove to them that you are changed. Would you be willing to try?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll speak to Poe and Finn. Perhaps that is the key to all of this.”

“Those two are in charge of the Resistance now?” Ben sounded incredulous.

Rey nodded. “Leia promoted Poe while we were on Pasaana, apparently. And Poe promoted Finn.”

“Both of them hate me, and with good reason.”

She could feel his nervousness. “We’ll figure it out. If they don’t want you there, we’ll find somewhere else to go.”

His dark eyes fixated on her face and he sat up. “I can’t ask you to do that. I can’t ask you to choose.” Nervousness was quickly blossoming into panic.

“Ben.” She made a concerted effort to push calm back towards him across the link. Maybe this _had_ been a bad time to have this conversation. She sat up and wrapped his hand in both of hers. “It’s not anything you’re asking me to do. I _want_ to see you. In person. To spend time with you. It’s not like we can run from each other anymore. If you can’t come to me, we’ll meet somewhere else. Or I can come here.”

He gave a little head shake of agreement. “Talk to Dameron. Tell him… tell him I'll answer whatever questions he wants. I’ll answer it all.” 

“If you’re not ready, we can wait.”

“No. No, I think you’re right. Neither one of us wants a repeat of last night. And even if we don’t act on it immediately, I need to have a next step.” He paused for a moment, tapped his temple with a finger and said, “Remember, this goes both ways. You don’t want me to wait. You’d like to watch me break camp and get into the X-wing right now.”

She gave a little snort of laughter. “Yes. I would. Tell Poe you were coming, and that we could hide out on the other side of the planet if he wanted you out of their space.” Rey ran her fingers across the back of his hand, grateful that he felt confident enough to call her out on her fib.

“We’ll likely need to revisit some things, just so you know. If Poe does agree, he’s probably going to want to ask you about Tuanal and Tehar, and likely the Hosnian system as well.”

“For whatever it’s worth, Rey, I’m sorry. I am so sorry about what happened on Jakku _and_ Tehar. I was wrong. It was wrong. They were innocent people.” Ben’s voice was thick with emotion and the regret flowed off him in waves.

Rey closed her eyes for just a moment, and heard Maz’s gentle voice, _You are holding him accountable for something he cannot take back._ Neither of them could go back and change the past. They could only move forward. She took a slow, deep breath and let it go.

Opening her eyes, she met Ben’s. “Thank you.”

Rey reached up for his face, rubbed her thumb across his fuzzy cheek and pulled him towards her. Ben leaned down, and their lips met in a very brief kiss, one that felt far more like an absolution than the passionate embraces of recent days. He then dropped his forehead to rest against hers for a few soothing breaths.

Ben pulled back and resettled himself. “We need to talk strategy.”

“I thought you liked to run in without a plan?”

“Incursions are one thing - this is politics.” _He’s Leia’s son, too…_ “How gifted is Finn with the Force?”

Rey says, “What? How would I even _know_? Finn’s never been trained. How can I compare him to the strength of the few Force users I have encountered - you, Luke, Leia, Snoke….” and then she paused. Ben felt the tremble go through her, as her lips stuck shut. Terror at the mere thought.

“Being afraid to name something gives it strength, and he has no more power over us,” Ben gently admonished. He reached out and grasped her hand. “He is dead and gone. Go on, say the word.”

“Palpatine.” She spat it out like it was sharp. Ben nods.

“And I do concede your point, you have no valid frame of reference. After you speak with Dameron, you might seek out Finn and see if he is willing to start his training.”

“Am I _ready_ to train him?”

“I think so.” _Who else would do so?_ “It’s not as if he’d agree to be my student..”

“If Finn is willing, and can learn how to open his senses, then he would be an independent source of information for Poe - you might lie for me, but he most certainly would not.”

“Good point.” Rey looked down at their entwined fingers. 

“I have a different question, and you can tell me it is none of my business, if you like.”

“Ask away - anything at all.”

“Last night you were…”

“You can say it. I was suicidal.” She looked at him with such concern.

“Has it happened before?”

“Yes, a time or two, across the years. And usually the voices interceded before I got that far into my own head. The um…. Completely unmitigated guilt. That’s new. Last night was rough. I’m sorry I scared you.” 

Rey reached out for Ben’s other hand. “As I said, I’m just glad I could help.”

“How long did you hear voices?”

“I know they’re gone - it’s just echoes now. But I heard them for most of my life. There isn’t a time that I can remember when the darkness wasn’t whispering in my ear, telling me no one would accept me.” He quickly rose to his feet and started to pace, feeling restless.

“Did you ever tell anyone about it?”

“Tell who? The people who already thought I was crazy? Or who were scared of me because I was the wild child who threw things across the room with the Force anytime I got mad? I could feel their fear, Rey.” Avoiding her eyes, he looked down at his bare feet, long pale toes clenching against the rock floor. “I was five years old the first time my father was truly afraid of me. He said he wasn’t, but I knew that he was lying.” 

He sounded so distraught. She had a glimpse of the child he had been through their link. Huge dark eyes, ears peeking out from under a curly black mop. Long limbs and a serious face.

“I’m sorry.” Such a feeble response, but it was all she had. She stood to face him.

“It’s okay - what’s done is done. And now the only voice I hear inside my head that’s real is you.”

Rey smiled sadly and stepped in to wrap her arms around Ben, pressing her ear into his chest. 

“I hope that’s okay - I don’t really know how to stop it.”

“Your voice...” Ben stepped back and grasped her upper arms. Looking into her eyes, he paused to find the correct words. “Your presence...it's like sunlight driving away the shadows. It’s wonderful. You gave me hope that I could become something else, something _other_ than a monster. You made me believe that I was more than just Snoke’s pawn. Made me remember who I really am, even if I didn’t want to admit it. I have no idea where I will end up, and I really don’t care. As long as I’m with you I feel like I’m on the _right_ path, for the first time in decades. Not the destined path. The right one.”

Rey gaped at him, eyes gone wide.

“Oh. Oh, that’s too much. I’ve said too much. I always say too mu -” Rey grabbed his cheek and pulled his lips down against hers. His skin felt so warm under her fingers. She didn’t have any idea what to say in response, but she knew how his words made her _feel._ She wanted to kiss him until they were both breathless. He was always so damned eloquent, and so often she felt like she was searching the proper way to express herself to him.

Rey felt his hand cradle the back of her head as he responded instantly to her kiss. _Not too much, Ben. Not at all._ The passion between them flared bright and hot. Ben’s lips opened against hers, his tongue asking entrance, and she complied. His other hand pressed down along her spine, briefly pausing where her breast band should be, fingertips searching. He made a soft groan in the back of his throat. Ben’s hand continued down and finally settled against her lower back, pulling Rey fully against him, up on to her toes, balling up the hem of her tunic in his fist.

After a few heady moments, he broke away. His lips planted soft kisses along her cheek as he pulled her completely off her feet up into a huge hug. He held her, suspended, like she weighed nothing. She felt a tremble along his shoulders.

“You need to go. Because if you stay…” Images flowed unbidden from Ben’s mind into hers. Rey’s naked skin exposed to the morning sun, limbs intertwined, his wide hands pressing down on her hips. He fought to control his breath. 

“You do know you’re not the only one who wants that,” she whispered softly in his ear, her knee sliding up and sideways across his hip.

“Ohhhh.” Ben chuckled as he put her down, eyes closed. He opened them, blinking rapidly, like he was trying to clear the images from his mind’s eye. When he finally focused on her, the hunger on his face was very plain. “I’d like to have a rational discussion with you before that happens.”

Rey tilted her head slightly, brow crinkling in confusion.

“The bond. Between the emotion and the desire, and all the feedback, for lack of a better word, I am not sure either of us is thinking clearly. I want to make sure we are both making the decision _consciously_ rather than simply giving in to all of this.” Ben waved a hand between them. “I don’t want that to be something you ever regret.”

“Oh. Right.” Rey nodded. “Thank you.” She smiled up at him and her stomach growled loudly. “Excuse me. I should let you get something to eat, and I obviously need to do the same.”

He leaned forward and kissed her gently on her cheek. 

“I’ll talk to Poe and see what he says, okay?”

Ben nodded, lightly squeezing her hand. “Okay.”

*~*~*~*~*

“Absolutely not!” Finn barked. Poe sat quietly, thumping his feet against the crate he was perched on. 

Surprise crossed Rey’s face. “What? You’re not even willing to _talk_ to him?”

”And what exactly do you think I might have to say to the former Supreme Leader of the First Order?” asked Finn.

“How about asking him the most efficient way to dismantle what’s left of it?” Rey fired back. “Ben said he would answer all your questions. Anything you wanted to know.” 

“And why do you think he would tell us the truth?”

Poe’s calm voice cut through. “For what it’s worth, I think her idea has merit.”

Finn blew an angry breath out through his nose. “You too?”

Poe still did not raise his voice. “Like it or not, the man has all kinds of information that we could use. If he’s willing to share, it would be a big help. Rey vouches for him. After everything she has done for us, she has earned the right to make this request. We still need to get back to Exegol to salvage what we can, he could help identify what First Order ships were there.”

“Finn… either he comes here, or I am going to him.”

“An ultimatum? That’s the way you want to play this?” Poe sounded shocked.

Rey turned to face him. “Look, I believe he deserves a chance. I would be dead if not for him. DEAD. No question. He didn’t have to come and help me on Exegol. And he doesn’t need to be alone anymore, which either means he comes here, or I go there.”

“What about a neutral site? If you don’t like what he has to say, then we can go somewhere else. We could even bring Chewbacca or Lando. If they can forgive him….” 

Finn looked like he had swallowed something bitter. “I absolutely hate this idea.”

“If it would help, I can teach you to open your senses - you can judge for yourself if he is telling the truth. If he’s really changed.”

Poe hopped down and walked over to Finn, putting a gentle hand on the other man’s shoulder. “Can we try this? Please? I know you have reservations, but he has intel we can use. I’d like both of us to agree to this decision.”

Rey tried hard to control her features as she felt the wave of longing come off of Poe as he tried to convince Finn. 

Finn turned back to Rey. “What about Tuanal? That massacre happened on your planet.”

“It’s in the past. Just because I didn’t know about it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.” 

“Do you want him here? Really?”

“I want us to be in the same place. Ideally that would be here. If that doesn’t work for everyone….then we go somewhere else. Simple as that.”

“And he’s not controlling you, or something… else."

“No. We cannot control each other. I promise you.”

Finn finally nodded. “Fine. I’ll talk with him. But not here - someplace else. And I’m willing to learn.”

Rey chewed on her lip - he would also be able to sense Poe’s feelings…. that might lead to some interesting conversations.

“Where did you have in mind?” She looked back and forth between Poe and Finn.

After a few moments of contemplation, Poe finally said “What about Yavin? It’s close, and relatively unoccupied.”

“Okay. How soon can he come?”

“How soon can he get there?” Finn asked.

“I’m not sure - at least a couple of days, I’d think.”

Poe looked at Finn, and said, “Let’s make it five days. Gives everyone a little time to prepare.”

Rey nodded. “I’ll see what I can do. And Finn, can we start your lessons after lunch?”

“That’s fine.”

“Good.”

*~*~*~*~*

Rey went directly into the _Falcon_ and started up the navicomputer. After a few fits and starts, it finally told her that getting from Yavin to Naboo around the near side of the Core would take about three days or so. If he wanted to take a little longer but have fewer jumps, it might be closer to four days total. 

She strongly considered contacting Ben while sitting in the pilot’s seat, but wasn’t quite sure how seeing his father’s ship might affect him. _Not just yet._

Skittering down the ramp, she almost ran directly into Chewbacca. He growled a question.

“No, sorry, everything is okay. Just needed to borrow the navicomputer for some calculations.”

<< _Going somewhere? >> _

She smiled. “No, not today.” She _had_ to tell him. He deserved to know.

“I have information about Ben. Are you ready to hear it?”

Shock played across his eyes, and his mouth opened and closed. << _Yes, what is it?_ >>

“He’s alive and well, and he’s left the First Order. He’s come back to the Light.”

Chewie swayed, and then sat heavily, knees folding. << _Are you sure?_ >> Tears shone in his eyes.

Rey closed the distance between them. “I am. Are you okay?”

He reached out and pulled her into a tight hug. << _Thank you. >> _

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted 5/21/20
> 
> I've put the semester to bed, and finally had brain space to get back to this. I've purchased the novelizations of the sequel trilogy, and found good fodder and details that did not quite mesh with what I had envisioned.  
> I made a few very small changes in previous chapters to fix most of that, AND I have a better idea of what this plot looks like moving forward.  
> Thank you for your patience!!


	10. Anticipation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is on edge about the coming meeting between Ben and Poe and Finn.  
> Finn talks with Rey.  
> Ben receives a visitor on Naboo.

_Five days._ Would Ben be ready for this meeting by then? Would _she_ ? Rey’s whole body hummed with nervous energy. So much could go wrong. But if it helped dismantle the First Order, _and_ got the two of them in the same place… then she would have to make it work. 

Rey headed out into the broadleaf trees, and stopped in a small clearing. Dropping into a cross legged position, she meditated, trying to calm herself before speaking to Ben. After about an hour, Rey opened her eyes, feeling centered and collected. Taking a deep breath, she reached out through the Force. 

Ben appeared before her, sweaty and shirtless. He had the polearm haft in his hands again, working slowly and deliberately through lightsaber forms, eyes closed in concentration. Being out in the open air of Naboo, he’d lost some of that sickly pallor of a permanent spacer. Even with the puckered bowcaster scar along his ribs, and the variety of old yellowish green and new deep purple bruises, he was still a _lovely_ sight to behold. Rey paused for a moment, mouth gone dry. Her eyes roved over his muscular shoulders, his wide chest, and the narrow dark line of hair disappearing into his waistband. Ben swung twice more, and froze.

“Rey?”

Given that she’d opened the Bond to speak to him, she was suddenly acutely aware that Ben could sense her appreciation. She blushed at being caught admiring him. “Um. Yes. Hi.”

He quirked an eyebrow, delight clearly etched across his features, but he spoke about the matter at hand instead of teasing her. “You have news?”

“I do. Poe and Finn are willing to meet you on Yavin 4 in five standard days.” It came out in a rush. 

He chuckled wryly. “Let me guess, Yavin was Dameron’s suggestion, right?” Rey nodded in response, brow crinkled slightly in confusion.

“Well, he clearly learned something from my mother,” Ben said, looking annoyed.

Rey suddenly remembered. _Oh._ “The Battle of Yavin 4.” She’d been so focused on the present, she’d briefly forgotten the random bits of Galactic history she’d learned over the years.

“Exactly. The first decisive victory by the Rebellion with the destruction of the first Death Star. Where my father cemented his allegiance by returning to rescue Luke from a small squadron of TIE fighters.” Ben shook his head, and smirked. “Really, you should ask Threepio about it. He’s quite the storyteller. And he saw everything in those days. Everything.” He dropped the haft, reached down and picked up his water bottle. 

“I’ll be there. I assume he wants to meet at the Grand Temple?” Rey watched as he drank, the sharp angle of his jaw outlined by whiskers terribly distracting.

“Um - he didn’t specify. But it does sound like a good landmark.”

“There’s never been any major settlements there in the modern age. Yavin 4 is mostly wet and green, as I recall.”

“It sounds nice.” Rey had had enough of deserts to last her a thousand lifetimes.

Ben laughed. “I’m glad someone likes that.”

She cleared her throat, trying to focus on something besides looking at Ben. “I had wanted to ask you… what were your earliest lessons like? What was the very first thing you learned to do with the Force?”

“Simply sensing its presence. How everything is connected. That’s the phrase I remember hearing over and over and over again.”

Rey nodded. “Mine was the same. I’ve been considering how to start with Finn, and since my training was far from traditional…”

“And you have such innate talent.” Ben shook his head. “I was terribly arrogant, bellowing at you about teachers on Starkiller, and then you handed me my ass. I was so stunned.” He could remember lying there, watching her stalk through the snow, waiting for her to press her advantage and end him.

Rey shrugged sheepishly. “You did teach me, you know, even then.”

“What? How?!” He looked genuinely surprised.

“On Starkiller, I watched what you were doing with your saber, and tried to imitate it. And then as the connections between us grew stronger, I think I was able to tap into your knowledge of the Force to aid my own. It sort of filled in some of the gaps, I think.”

Rey sighed. “Luke really wanted nothing to do with me at first. He tried to send me away several times.”

“Fool. And then you trained with my mother.” Leia had been the first person to speak to Ben about the Force.

“She was a good teacher - she always challenged me without making me feel like an idiot.” He could feel the insecurity coming off of her, memories of being berated throughout her childhood encroaching on the present.

Ben stepped towards her and wrapped a hand around the corner of her shoulder. “Rey. Everyone has feelings of inadequacy at some point or another, you know that, right?” He desperately wanted to protect her from the ghosts that hounded her subconscious. He knew she felt the same about him.

Rey looked up at him briefly with very large eyes, and nodded jerkily, swallowing down the sudden knot in her throat. She blinked away tears and dropped her chin again, avoiding his gaze.

Trying to change the subject, Rey reached out towards the dark bruises and long thin scrapes scattered across his rib cage. “What happened? This isn’t from Exegol.” 

Ben lifted his left hand, brandishing cuts across his knuckles. “Same as this - rock climbing when your mind is elsewhere is not the best plan.”

“Well, stop it.”

He gave a little amused huff and simply said, “Okay.”

“I will let you get back to your practice. And I’ll tell them you’ll be there.”

“Thank you for your faith in me.” 

She smiled. “You’re welcome. And it’s well deserved. I’ll see you later. Feel free to contact me at any time, day or night.”

Nodding, Ben leaned forward and kissed her very softly on the cheek. Rey’s right hand instinctively reached for him, fingertips encountering nothing but naked skin. He gasped at the sensation and she turned to look into his eyes, so close to her own. They had darkened, and dropped down to her lips and then back up to meet her gaze. She could feel his urge to kiss her, to touch her, to _devour_ her flaring through the Bond.

The first two times Rey had seen his bare chest, it had made her flustered and uncomfortable. The third, just a few days ago, they’d been in a bad place, but now… She felt free to run her hands up along his sides, fingertips instinctively curling to pull him towards her.

Ben dropped the bottle and wrapped both arms around her, closing the small distance between them. It had been years since he had felt another person’s hands touching his skin. He leaned forward to press his lips to hers. She flattened her palms against him, spreading her fingers wide, both of them reveling in the contact.

One of his hands wandered over Rey’s back, and she could feel the warmth of it through her tunic as he pulled her closer. The other opened to cradle the back of her head, his fingers sinking into her hair. She deepened the kiss as she pushed her yearning for him across the link. Rey could sense his joy and sheer lust. Ben’s right hand trailed up her side, thumb softly caressing the side of her breast. She trembled in his arms, wanting more, wanting everything he could give her.

Finally, they pulled apart, both breathing heavily. Heady desire and longing bounced through the Bond. Ben’s eyes were wide and almost black. The heat in his gaze made her shiver. No one had ever looked at her like this. “I will see you in person in a few days on Yavin 4. And we will talk about this. Not kiss, not touch, but _talk_.” She nodded, closing the link between them before she could tackle him to the ground.

Back in her room, Rey licked her lips, tasting him still. She lifted her fingertips and could see a faint trace of his sweat across her skin. She groaned in frustration. Five days. _Five days_ until they were in the same place. Poe would just love it if she pounced on Ben in the middle of their conversation, she thought sarcastically. Given the way her body ached for him, she was definitely going to have to fight the urge.

*~*~*~*~*

After a cold shower, Rey sought out Finn. He needed to learn. This _had_ to work. 

“Hey.”

“Did you talk to him?” Finn still sounded angry.

“Yes. Ben agreed to the meeting.”

Finn nodded. “Good.” He hesitated, looking at her nervously. “But I still don’t understand why you want this to happen.” He finally found the nerve to ask the question that had plagued him. “Why… why you want _him_. Of all people. Do you love him?”

Rey struggled to find a way to put it into words. “I spent my life alone, Finn. No siblings, no sense of camaraderie. _Alone_ , day after day, night after night. I had one or two friends over the years, but none of them were ever really close. Falling in with the Resistance was amazing, but when I saw Ben’s face… It was instant. I _knew_ him, in a way I had never known anyone else. It was as if I had seen him in dreams.” 

“After he captured me on Takodana, he tried to pull the map from my mind, but I could also see into his. He was just as surprised as I was.” She remembered the shock in Ben’s eyes under the cold light of the interrogation room, clear as day, no matter how he tried to hide it. “And the more we interacted, the stronger that connection felt. I could sense his thoughts, his emotions. Even when I tried to block him out, he would still get back in - the Force connected us, even when neither of us wanted to look at the other.”

“Is it love? I have no idea. But I desperately want to get to know him better. I believe he can be a good person.”

“Why, Rey? He destroyed the Jedi, we watched him murder his own _father_. He tried to kill me. What if this is some horrible, elaborate trick?” Finn’s voice had grown louder, as he grew more exasperated.

“It’s not! Ben made terrible mistakes and he _knows_ it. He was hounded his entire life by Snoke and the Dark Side. Whispering in his head, convincing him to make the wrong choices.” Rey hesitated for a moment, and then finally said, “Like the endless propaganda piped into your barracks when you were a stormtrooper. Telling him no one understood him, no one loved him. Not his mother, not his father. That they would all betray him.”

 _I don’t think he was responsible for the destruction of the Jedi Temple, either._ But until she knew for sure, she didn’t want to offer up that tidbit.

She could see the thoughts turning in Finn’s head. Finally he said, “If you trust him that strongly, I’m willing to give him a chance. But, I swear Rey, if he betrays us, or hurts you…”

“He won’t Finn. I believe that with all my heart.”

*~*~*~*~*

Ben jumped over another rock, covered in bright green lichen. It felt good to run, to work off some of the overwhelming, restless _energy_ left from Rey’s visit. His legs felt strong again, though his hip still ached most days. He charged up the last hill and lurched to a halt on the edge of camp, breathing heavily. Stretching briefly, Ben grabbed one of his water bottles to find only dregs left in the bottom. He’d have to go fetch more this afternoon. He didn’t miss the First Order at all, but he did miss civilization, with clean water and fresh food within easy reach.

Slowly he eased to the ground, and settled into a meditative pose. Breathing deeply, Ben found his focus and sank down into the Force, trying desperately to listen for direction or insight, any clue as to his new purpose. He had spent so much time on ships in deep space, the feeling of this much life pulsing around him was still exhilarating.

After a little while, Ben felt a presence. One that clearly wasn’t Rey, and was quickly growing stronger. He opened his eyes to see a Force ghost standing in front of him. Wearing traditional Jedi robes, the human male had blue eyes, and close cropped white hair, along with a full beard on a face he did not recognize.

“Hello, Ben. I am glad you are able to meditate once again.” A cultured accent from the Core. No help there. This was not Anakin - he knew that, somehow.

“Master. You have me at a bit of a disadvantage. Have we met?”

“You and I, no, but I have known your family for a very long time. My name is Ben Kenobi, you may have heard me referred to as Obi-Wan.”

“Ah.” Ben had certainly heard a few stories about his namesake. What did Obi-Wan Kenobi want with him? “What brings you to Naboo?”

“As you might suspect, I have watched you with great interest over the years. You’ve been doing some rather intense introspection these last few days, and I think you need a little more information - information that I am in a unique place to offer.” He paused to pace, looking out over the forest. The Master’s Force signature rang with nervousness. Finally, he sat down on the stump Ben had been using as a stool.

“Your Grandfather Anakin was my Padawan and my dear friend. And I considered his fall from the Light completely my fault for a very, very long time. But distance brings clarity, eventually.” 

Kenobi brought his hands together. “After finally speaking with Anakin about it, I realized Palpatine had been manipulating him for several years. He gained Anakin’s trust, so that he would confide in Palpatine rather than any of the Jedi. He exploited his feelings for your Grandmother, and used his passionate nature against him. Anakin was understandably frightened for Padmé - she was such a delicate looking thing, to be carrying twins. He kept dreaming of her death. Palpatine claimed that as a Sith Lord, he had the power to save Padmé’s life.” 

“Palpatine interacted closely with members of the Jedi Council time and again, and somehow no one sensed his true nature.” He shook his head, looking off into the distance again. “Not even Master Yoda, truly the wisest of us all. For years, I searched my memories, trying to figure out how we could have possibly missed an evil so powerful. How he could have fooled all of us so completely.”

“I tried and tried to find Luke after - “ Ben paused and screwed up his courage to say the words to this Jedi who had survived the Purge. “After the destruction of the Jedi Temple. Perhaps Palpatine hid himself the same way.”

Looking back at Ben, Kenobi replied, “Perhaps. But you were searching the entire galaxy for Luke. Palpatine was in our very midst. Regardless of how he did it, he was highly manipulative and patient. Just as he was when dealing with you and Rey.” 

Kenobi rose to his feet again, seemingly unable to sit still. “Eventually, Padmé and I traveled to Mustafar to try and reach him. The whole thing backfired. Padmé and Anakin argued, he accused her of plotting his death and attacked her. Finally, Anakin and I fought amongst the lava flows. I knew some of the things that he had done at that point, and I could not bear to see the person he had become. I sensed how far into the Dark he had gone. It horrified me.” Again, waves of sorrow flowed off of Kenobi, along with sharp regret. 

“After finding the Yuh… after the things that he did,” Kenobi closed his eyes tight against the memories for a moment. “Part of me _wanted_ him to suffer. And that was wrong. Lying there, defeated, Anakin told me he hated me, and I left him there, thinking he would die. I should have been able to drag him away from the lava using the Force, but then what? The Republic had fallen, the Jedi Order was in ruins. So I picked up his saber and walked away.”

Ben said, “It is far easier to kill an enemy than to show mercy.”

Kenobi looked at Ben and nodded. “But I should have tried anyway. Palpatine saved him, somehow. Do I bear responsibility for him becoming Darth Vader? Absolutely. But not all of it.”

“I was there when your mother was born. Padmé died just a few moments later.” There was sorrow in his voice, even now. “I always suspected Palpatine had a hand in her death somehow, but there was never any evidence to support it. Bail Organa offered to adopt Leia, and the decision was made to split the twins up, to protect them. I took Luke to Owen and Baru. I kept an eye on him as he grew, watched him bristle under the life of a simple moisture farmer on Tatooine.” 

“Years passed like days, it seemed. And then the Force set things in motion once again. R2D2 and C3PO landed on Tatooine with a message for me from your mother. Luke’s uncle bought them from Jawa traders. I encountered them in the desert after a run in with Tusken Raiders. Later that afternoon, I handed Luke Anakin’s saber. He then asked me how his father died. I told him that Darth Vader had murdered his father.”

“What?! How could you lie about that?” Ben felt sorry for Luke. He remembered well the shock it had been to learn that Darth Vader was his grandfather. How much more would it have affected him had the connection been even closer?

Kenobi winced. “Much as you looked at Kylo Ren and Ben Solo as two separate people, I felt much the same about Anakin and Darth Vader. And when Luke asked, I -” A heavy sigh. “I twisted things. Admittedly, it was not my best choice. But I was so afraid that we would lose Luke to the Dark Side as we did his father. I should have sensed what was happening with Anakin. But the war kept separating us. There was so much going on. And then suddenly it was far too late.”

“Luke did not handle you as he should have. He knows that. But it is not all his fault either. Nor is it yours. The Dark Side is extremely seductive.”

Ben looked up at Kenobi. “I never felt _tempted_ by the Dark Side. It was easier in many ways, certainly, but I was never afraid to do the work required by the Light. I felt controlled. Trapped. It was submission on my part, not seduction. After the new Temple was destroyed, when I finally gave in to the voices in my head, I went to Snoke thinking I had nowhere else _to_ go. I felt that I was following my destiny as Vader’s grandson.”

Kenobi looked sad. “I believe you were targeted before you were even born. An heir to the Skywalker bloodline would not only be powerful, but the perfect revenge. You were outplayed - and so was your family. By someone who outmaneuvered so many in his push for power, and would do anything to achieve his goals. I am so sorry we did not see him for what he truly was, that we didn’t stop him when we had the chance. Hopefully this time he is finally gone for good.”

He turned back to face Ben. “I realize you still feel guilt for your actions as Kylo Ren - for the choices you made. And they are yours to bear, along with their consequences. But perhaps you followed your destiny after a fashion all along. You killed Snoke, yes?”

Ben nodded. “I did.”

“And you were there to save Rey. What would have happened had you not joined her on Exegol?”

“She’d be dead.” He shuddered at the memory of her lifeless face.

“Or Empress, possessed by Palpatine.”

Ben looked up, horrified. “Surely not.”

“It didn’t happen because you were there, Ben. You. No one else would have been able to do for her what you did. The Dark Side calls to Rey, even now, just as it still calls to you. Her anger, her fierceness. She is ruthless in battle. A trait she shares with you.” Rey howling as she attacked Snoke’s Praetorian guards echoed through his head. “Your arrival on Exegol reminded Rey of the power found in the Light. I believe had she stood alone, the Sith would have either killed her or turned her.”

An image of Rey sitting on the dark throne on Exegol flickered briefly behind his eyes. The Force had shown him the possibility of that outcome, no matter how he wanted to deny it.

Kenobi asked, “Have you and Rey actually discussed your experiences on Exegol?”

“No, not really,” Ben admitted.

“You need to talk about what happened. I think it would help you both.”

“Perhaps when we reach Yavin 4.”

Trying to clear his head, Ben quieted for a moment. Finally he said, “How well did you know my grandmother?”

“I knew Padmé very well.” 

“What were they like? Before everything went to hell?”

Kenobi smiled softly. “Fearless Both of them, really. Anakin would make jumps I would never have wanted to try. He was a truly gifted pilot - one of the best I ever saw. He did not shy away from impossible situations, and would run into terrible danger without hesitation to save someone he cared for.”

“Padmé, much like your mother, was extremely strong willed. She was an excellent shot, highly intelligent, and never acted like a stereotypical stuffy royal. She was very hands on, but I am sure you know that from some of the histories. Not only did she believe in the power of democracy, she was willing to fight for it when the time came. I think Leia and Padmé would have gotten along extremely well, especially where politics was concerned.”

“Anakin looked at Padmé as if she set the stars themselves in motion. They tried to pretend there was no relationship, but a few of us knew the truth. One or two of the troopers and his Padawan.”

“His what? Anakin took a Padawan?” _Of course he would have_. Ben had focused for so long on Vader, he never really gave much thought to the Jedi Anakin must have been.

Kenobi smiled. “Her name was Ahsoka Tano. I liked her quite a bit. She was just as fearless as Anakin, and he loved her dearly. Had no use for tradition if it served no purpose. She wielded two white blades. They were a perfect match, honestly. She called him out on his mistakes, but never in public.” 

Ben sensed a shift within Kenobi’s Force signature. Was that self-loathing or just deep regret? “Remember, it is extremely important that a Master understands their own shortcomings just as well as the student’s. Depending on what happens over the next few months, you and Rey will have a choice to try and rebuild the Jedi Order, or to let it die. Maz Kenata might be willing to offer some counsel in this matter. Do not rush into a decision either way.”

Kenobi stood. “I have given you more than enough to think about during your trip. You and Rey were put here for a reason. Your dyad is a rare gift of the Force. Do not squander it.”

“I have no intention of doing so. Or of giving her up.” Ben knew that without question.

“Out of the many, many things that have been proposed in the discussions I have participated in recently, that has never been an option. Your bond is undeniable. Despite the monastic traditions of the Jedi Order, I do not think you could stay apart if you tried.”

"Thank you for the information, Master Kenobi. It is most appreciated."

“You are welcome. I wish you luck, Ben, truly. May the Force be with you.”

The ghostly form faded from view. Ben sat down heavily, beginning to examine what Kenobi had told him. A lot to think about was putting it mildly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan kept talking and talking. In my head he is very concerned for Ben.  
> I have another half a chapter already written and mostly polished... Decided it was too long to add to this one. So hopefully the next chapter will come a little quicker!!
> 
> Thank you for all of the kudos and comments. Genuinely, they are amazingly encouraging.  
> Finding time to write in a house with three children - an almost six year old (gah!) and two year old twins is hard, y'all, especially when my husband does not exactly support this habit of mine...
> 
> Hope you and your loved ones are safe and everyone is still sane. Keep making good choices even when those around you are not!
> 
> UPDATE: 7/22/20  
> Well, the next chapter morphed into two. Crap. It's coming. Hopefully by the weekend??


	11. Movement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn begins his training. Conversations. Ben leaves Naboo.

Poe jogged to catch up with Finn. “Did you speak with Rey?”

Finn nodded. “We’re on. He’s agreed.”

“Well, okay.” Poe blew out a big sigh. “I’ve asked someone to come in and escort a crew out to see if they can salvage the Tantive IV for us. Do you have time to sit in on a meeting with them?”

“Of course. When?”

“I expect her to arrive sometime tomorrow afternoon,” Poe replied.

*~*~*~*~*

Finn and Rey headed out later that afternoon, walking away from camp down one of the well worn trails. As she pushed another branch out of the path, Rey asked Finn, “What do you know about the Force?”

“From what I have heard you say, it is this unifying connection. I know that Jedi can use it to move things, heal creatures, and help them in combat. I’ve seen you make some incredible jumps.”

Rey smiled. "Yes. There are lots of ways we can use the Force. Many different Force users can tap into it to some degree - not just Jedi. The Sith can use it as well.” She thought about everything she had read in the ancient texts. “There have been many names for the Force over the millennia. There have been races and religions who have observed or worshipped it without being able to touch it in any way. The Force connects every living thing, and can be utilized in any number of ways. For good and for evil. There are many techniques that Jedi and Sith share, but it is how they are applied that sets them apart. Some are very subtle and others are far more obvious. You saw the - ” _damn damn damn, c’mon say it, you coward_ “the lightning that I manifested on Pasaana.” She blew out a harsh breath and shook her head. “Palpatine did the same thing on Exegol.”

“Right, I remember you told us that. And I saw you do that, but it never occurred to me it could be produced on such a large scale that it could reach into space from planetside.” Finn sounded slightly scared, even now.

“Something of that scope required a substantial amount of energy, and came at great cost.” Rey flashed back to that horrible moment in the throne room, frozen and terrified, feeling her life being siphoned from her body, feeling Ben’s life fading as well. _Slimy bastard._ She took a deep breath and shook off the memory.

“Force lightning is a manifestation of the dark side. I was acting out of anger and sheer frustration. It was wrong and I regret it. And even though we didn’t lose Chewie, it still cost the troopers on that transport their lives.”

“Traditional Jedi teachings say that mastery of the Force comes through mastery of oneself. Anger, hatred, fear….the dark side can feed on all of these emotions. Amplify all of our most destructive impulses.” 

Rey thought about the things that she had learned from Leia, and the change she had seen come over Ben. “The dark side of the Force is easier, but will eat you alive. It doesn’t love, it possesses. It offers a fast route to power, but you will lose yourself very quickly. But the light… the light side of the Force can be used for defense of others, healing, seeking wisdom, aiding you in decision making, help you in battle, allow you to move things…”

“From everything I have learned, the Force works in two way - the Cosmic Force and the Living Force. The Cosmic Force is the greater manifestation…. Um, kind of like the will of the universe, you could say. The Living Force is generated by you and me, and that tree, and the birds in the sky, and everything that draws breath. We each have a life force. A _finite_ life force. When I healed the big snake creature on Pasaana, I shared some of my life force with it. It came at a cost. It isn’t something that can be done easily.” Finally explaining all this to another person was oddly clarifying.” 

“The Cosmic Force feeds the Living Force and the Living Force feeds the Cosmic Force.” _A symbiotic relationship. A dyad._

“But today we are going to focus on just feeling it. On purpose. Not by accident, not a weird feeling in the back of your subconscious, not that little nudge that says do this instead of that.” She took a breath and tried to erase all thoughts of Exegol and Palpatine from her mind.

Rey pushed aside a branch and breathed deep, stepping into her favorite meditation spot. “This is it. Let’s get settled.” She’d moved a couple of fallen trees, and rearranged a few rocks, but the little clearing was largely untouched. A small, bright stream burbled along one edge of the space. She tossed her light pack and staff down.

Finn looked around for a moment. “This is pretty.”

Rey smiled. “I hope you find it as restful as I do.” She stretched her arms high over her head and then all the way down, pressing her palms flat against the ground.

“Okay - sit down in a comfortable position and try to relax. Cross legged works best for me.” They both settled on the ground, facing one another. “Now, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Everything is connected, Finn. Everything that draws breath. Everything that lives. Imagine your senses reaching out. Block out your sight, and focus instead on what you hear, what you smell, what you _feel_.”

Finn went further and further inwards, feeling the breeze against his cheek, the breath flowing in and out his lungs. The cool earth beneath him. He could hear the brook bubbling nearby. The birds chirping overhead. The sounds of nature grew louder and louder. _Breathe in and out. In and out._ Suddenly, the world seemed to expand.

There was a small animal in the brush not twenty meters behind them, approaching the stream. He could feel its heartbeat, sense it sniffing the air to see if it was safe. There were tiny amphibians hugging the edges of the shore, and hopping into the water. Above his head was a nest with three eggs, with tiny baby birds coiled inside, sitting warm and protected beneath their mother, almost ready to hatch.

Rey was like a shiny bright thing before him, almost sparkling. The trees stretched far overhead, but were still rooted so deep into the ground. Worms crawled through the dirt below his feet. There was life _everywhere_. It pulsed and throbbed. He gasped in surprise, and his concentration faltered for the briefest moment.

Finn felt Rey’s delight, watching his reaction. “Keep breathing. Stay focused,” she said softly. “Just get used to it.”

He lost track of time completely, exploring their surroundings through the Force. Finally, Rey spoke to him, her voice sounding oddly far away. “Finn. _Finn_. It's time to come back.” He became aware of a touch upon his shoulder, pulling him back. He came out of the meditation, and it felt like breaking the surface of a pool of water.

Rey had a wide grin on her face, staring at him. 

“That was amazing!”

“You did really well. But we need to start heading back. I don’t want to miss dinner.”

“What? We haven’t been here that long.” 

Amusement danced in Rey's eyes. “Check your chronometer.”

He stared in disbelief - almost three hours had passed since they left camp. “How is that possible?”

“You’ve been meditating, and I didn't want to disturb you. How do you feel?”

“I feel fantastic.” He stretched his legs forward. “If a little stiff. Oof.”

“I’d like to start with a run tomorrow morning. Is that okay? I know you have responsibilities.”

“That works great, thank you.” He massaged his knees with a grimace. “I didn’t really miss PT.”

She chuckled. “Sorry. Part of the package.”

He nodded and stood up. 

*~*~*~*~*

Finn split off with a wave as soon as they passed the perimeter of camp. Rey rounded the corner of her quarters to find Lando leaning against her door with his arms crossed, a steely look in his eyes.

“Where’s Ben?”

Rey paused and then said only, “He’s somewhere safe.”

Lando raised his eyebrows and took a step forward, clearly annoyed. “Why don’t you want to tell me?”

"I haven’t told anyone.”

“I’m not just _anyone_ \- he’s my nephew and I want to know where he is. And do you really think I’ve lived this long if I don’t know how to keep my mouth shut?” His expression was turning angry.

Rey sighed and opened her door. “Let’s talk in here.” They walked in and she shut it behind them.

“Well?” 

“He’s on Naboo - but not for much longer.”

“And where is he going next?” 

She hesitated, but finally said, “Yavin 4.”

“Why?” Rey could feel his frustration growing. 

“To meet with Poe and Finn.”

She felt him relax. "So he's trading information for amnesty.”

Rey squeezed her eyes shut. “I guess? But that’s not exactly how it was proposed.” 

"Why did he finally leave the First Order after all this time? How do you _know_ all of this?"

"He'll need to be the one to answer the first question, but as for how I know? Ben and I are….connected through the Force."

Lando simply nodded. "So this connection allows you to know things about each other?"

"And communicate," she added.

“Okay.”

Rey blinked twice and gaped at him. “That’s it? Just okay?” No surprise? No _questions_?

“That is nowhere near the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. Especially where Jedi matters are concerned. This was always Leia’s fondest hope. But she’s gone - why is Ben trying to join the Resistance now?”

“Because we need to be in the same place. I - ” Rey faltered for a moment. “I have to prove to them that he’s changed. They don’t believe me.”

“He was the Supreme Leader of the First Order!” Lando exclaimed. “Of _course_ they’re suspicious. I certainly would be, in their position.”

“It’s true. I promise, he’s rejected the Dark Side.”

“I’d like a little proof myself. He has a hell of a lot to answer for.” 

“And he knows that. He feels horrible about everything he did."

Lando nodded. “I'm coming to this meeting. I suspect Chewie will demand to go as well.”

Rey paused, unsure of what to say. “I don't know if that’s up to me.”

“I don’t give a damn what either one of the Generals has to say about it.” Lando paused, and then said, “And you _need to be in the same place_? What exactly happened between you two?”

“Uh - um… once the Force started connecting us, things… developed?” Her voice was getting progressively higher, she noticed.

Lando shook his head and chuckled softly. “I shouldn’t be surprised. Han always led with his heart. Why should his son be any different? So, when is this meeting?”

“Five days from now.”

“Okay. And don’t worry about Finn and Poe - I’ll take care of it.”

Rey swallowed nervously. “Thank you.”

After shutting the door behind Lando, she leaned heavily against it. _How is Ben going to handle this on top of dealing with Poe and Finn?_ For the briefest moment she considered not telling him at all, but a surprise like this would probably be worse than the anticipation. _Damn damn damn._

*~*~*~*~*

Ben was cleaning up after dinner when he felt Rey’s presence brush against his own. He smiled and set his cookpot down on the cooling embers. Settling onto his bedroll, he opened himself up to their Bond.

Rey appeared before his eyes, sitting on her bed. “Good evening.”

She smiled. “Hi. How was your day? Are you getting ready to leave tomorrow?”

He nodded. “I am. First thing in the morning. And my day was… good. An old family friend stopped by for a visit.”

“What? Who?”

“Obi-Wan Kenobi. Also known as Ben Kenobi. My grandfather’s teacher.”

Rey’s eyes grew large. “I heard Leia talk about him a few times. What did he have to say?” 

“He talked to me about my grandparents, about my family in general. Gave me a bit more perspective, I guess.” 

“Did it help?”

“I think so? I need to think about it a bit more, really. What about you? How was your day? Any luck with Finn?"

"Yes!" Ben could feel how pleased she was. "He did really well. Meditated for several hours. We're going to work more in the morning."

And then he felt her hesitation, watched her pull her bottom lip in between her teeth. 

"What is it? What happened?"

“There’s going to be more than just Poe, Finn, and I coming to Yavin 4. Lando and Chewie will be there too.”

Ben froze for the briefest moment, face gone still. She felt his emotions churning, fear finally winning out.

“I’m not looking forward to that. My last encounter with Chewbacca was when he was a prisoner on the _Steadfast,_ and it has been years since I've seen Lando.”

Rey reached out and took his hand. “They don’t hate you. Having them there could help.”

“I’m not so sure, but it’s not exactly like I have a choice.”

*~*~*~*~*

Later that night, Ben stared up at the stars, unable to sleep, turning Obi-Wan’s words over and over in his mind. Vader - _Anakin_ \- had been manipulated by Palpatine just as he had been. 

Luke had been lied to by someone he trusted, just as he was. He had no idea Vader was his father. Ben had received the apology letter from his mother after the very public reveal of her biological parentage, but he had been wrapped up in himself, so _certain_ that his heritage was a sign, he had never thought about it from their point of view. Someone should have had the guts to tell him. But… if Vader had cast such a shadow through Imperial history - what effect did he have on the lives of his children?

When had Luke discovered the truth? What sort of turmoil had that created? Why the hell hadn't he asked when he had the chance? Who would even _know_ now? Chewie maybe, or Lando? He’d told Rey to ask Threepio for a story, maybe he should do the same.

*~*~*~*~*

Finn set out early the next morning with Rey for a run followed by another successful round of meditation. 

That afternoon, Connix caught Finn coming out of the mess tent, still feeling fantastic. “Poe has been looking for you, says your guest is ready to chat?” 

“Thanks. Where?”

“They’re in one of the new arrivals. I’ll show you.”

Finn followed her to an older freighter, out on the edge of camp. It had clearly seen some action over the years, but still looked like it was in good shape. 

He walked up the gangplank, and could hear Poe’s laughter echoing down the hallway. Finn smiled. It was nice to hear Poe laugh again. Even with their recent victory, things were still rough. Before he could reach the sound of the conversation, an astromech droid charged at him with a series of angry beeps, grasping arms waving wildly over its head.

A female voice barked, “Chopper! That’s probably Finn, let him on through."

A green skinned, female Twi’lek sat in a lounge with a steaming mug in one hand. Across from her was a near human male, approximately Poe’s age, with dark green hair and bright teal eyes. Poe lounged between them, looking more relaxed than Finn had seen him in days.

“That’s an aggressive droid.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” said the Twi’lek. “Sorry about Chop, he’s possessive of the ship and overly protective of me, especially from strangers.”

Poe chimed in, “Finn, this is Rebellion General Hera Syndulla, and her son Jacen. Hera, this is Finn, General of the Resistance, leader of the crew that took out the First Order flagship over Exegol.

“ _Retired_ General, thank you very much. She stood and offered her hand. “Finn, it’s nice to meet you. Poe told me you were the one to lead a ground assault team on a Star Destroyer. You'll have to tell me that story, because that's something even I never tried. There’s fresh caf over there, feel free to help yourself.” 

Finn smiled, “Thank you, ma’am. You’re the one who’s going to be escorting a team back to Exegol?” 

“I am. Poe asked for a favor. I’d be delighted to see if we can salvage Leia’s ship. Nothing better to do right now.” 

Finn saw a genuine welcome in her eyes. Sitting down, he sensed there was more to her presence here than just a simple escort mission. His suspicions proved correct when Poe leaned forward. “Now that Finn’s here, I also need to ask for some advice, Hera…”

_Here we go._

“First of all, this doesn’t leave this room. I want to keep this need to know as long as I possibly can.”

“Not a problem. How can I help?”

“What would you say if I told you that Supreme Leader Kylo Ren had renounced the First Order and might want to defect?”

She blinked twice, raising her eyebrows in surprise. “So he survived that meat grinder over Exegol. I’d ask what he’s looking for. And why exactly he thinks we shouldn't execute him on sight. Do you have him in custody here?”

Finn cleared his throat. Poe shook his head. “If only it were that simple.”

\---

About a half an hour later, they stepped off the gangplank and back into the worn grass. Poe looked at Finn. “You can’t tell her about any of this, you know. She’s way too close."

Finn nodded sadly. “I know.”

*~*~*~*~*

Ben slept fitfully, plagued by dreams of being hauled off in chains by Dameron and the stormtrooper. _Finn,_ he corrected himself. _The man’s name is Finn. And it would be nothing less than you deserve._

Early the next morning, Ben brought the last armful of his gear down and packed it away in the X-wing’s tiny hold. He would likely need some of it on Yavin 4. Heading back up, he walked the campsite once more, checking for anything he had missed. It was lovely. And looked more or less just as he had found it, with the exception of a small pile of firewood tucked under one side of the outcropping.

This place had been perfect. He was grateful he had come. Looking out across the dark green forests, he could see black clouds building on the horizon. A storm was headed this way. He needed to get moving.

Not long after, Ben was back in civilization. He paid the service droid to top off the fuel reserves in the X-Wing while he ate breakfast and cleaned up. While sitting in a cafe, a holonet news program caught his attention.

“ _...there are increasing reports of attacks on First Order vessels on occupied worlds.”_ Ben’s head quickly popped up to watch the rest of the segment.

 _“This follows tales of a fierce battle against Emperor Palpatine’s fleet in the Unknown Regions, wherein a civilian navy took on and destroyed not only that fleet but the First Order flagship as well. There has been no statement made by the First Order denying any of this. Is Supreme Leader Kylo Ren truly gone for good? Only time will tell.”_ The last bit showed an image from a propaganda film - a still of him, wearing his helmet and cloak, standing in front of a First Order banner. 

Ben tried very hard to just shrug off the sensation of responsibility that washed over him. He had claimed that title and then simply walked away. People were going to die, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. The First Order was an evil organization that had grown out of the Empire. It was hell bent on galaxy wide domination. That had always been true. 

_You had an opportunity to enact change, and you just made it worse._ “Recruitment” had increased under his watch. Such a horrible name for the kidnapping of innocents. He had seen footage of newly captured terrified children crying desperately for their parents. Had given orders to show any Resistance sympathizers no mercy. 

_You wanted complete obedience to your authority amongst the officers. You could have done things differently. But you were so obsessed with consolidating your power. And Rey_. 

With a grunt, he shook his head to try and clear it. What was done could not be undone. He could only move forward and try and make up for it. Kylo Ren was indeed gone for good. 

Ben hung his head as he headed towards the refreshers to clean up. He needed to shake off this mood. Meeting with Poe and Finn would be bad enough, and three days alone in hyperspace would only make it worse.

Shortly thereafter, the entirety of his extremely limited wardrobe was laid out in front of him, and he was trying to decide what he would wear for this meeting. One jacket, five shirts, and three pairs of pants. One pair of boots. He tossed down the two sleeveless undershirts, newly purchased this morning.

Definitely the grey jacket, over the new black pants. Yavin 4’s inevitably unbearable humidity be damned. Looking down at his feet, he saw his boots were splattered in mud. They would need to be cleaned, but they were still in very good shape. The question is the shirt. Not the deep blue with the rounded neck or the grey v neck, they were both too informal. So purple or olive? Both shirts had collars, and they were only slightly different from one another in style. They both needed to be laundered, regardless. He had no jewelry to speak of, and the belt for his blaster and saber was a given.

He picked up the soft, black undertunic he was wearing on Exegol. Burn hole midway through, and a rip in the shoulder. He didn’t even remember that wound. This thing needed to be tossed. But. He had _so_ few clothes, and it could be cleaned again, properly this time. It would be fine for the jump, and then he could change once he arrived.

Sighing, Ben tossed it into the launderer with the rest of his clothes. He’d paid more for an actual water ‘fresher this time so he could have a shower. His hair was a greasy, tangled mess, and he wanted - no, he _needed_ to feel as confident as possible going into this meeting. _And you want to look nice for Rey_ , a small part of him admitted. 

_Appearance is always important, Ben. Sometimes it is just as important as what you have to say._ Leia’s voice rang through his skull. Ben closed his eyes for a moment, giving in to the memory. 

He had been barely six years old and had wandered into his mother’s bedroom to find her pacing in front of her open closet door. Her hair was already braided and looped elaborately. She had a few pieces of jewelry shining in her hands, and there were three different outfits laid out on the bed, with different shoes set beneath each of them. “I have a measure going before the Senate today. Some of them will not even bother to listen to me if I look too gaudy, or too feminine. So I have to choose my outfit just as carefully as my words. Unfortunately, you will almost always be judged by your appearance, especially by those who don’t like you.”

Opening his eyes, Ben stared at himself in the mirror. His eyes were bright with unshed tears. Blinking furiously, he took a deep breath and focused on the task at hand. His scruffy chin. 

It had been years since he had gone this long without shaving. He had always envied his father’s ability to grow a full beard. All his face ever sprouted was patchy nonsense, except on his chin. It all needed to go.

Two hours later, he closed up the hatch and finalized his route for the jump to Yavin 4. According to the navicomputer, it would take about sixty hours, giving him a little time for some scouting once he arrived. Hopefully he would at least survive this meeting.... 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I sat on this too long, and now it just frustrates me.  
> We will get to the meeting next chapter - it is mostly written, and I am working on editing, so it will NOT be another month, I promise.
> 
> Hope you all are well. Trying to keep my sanity trapped with three small children is becoming... difficult. 
> 
> Feedback would be most welcome. If someone sees a glaring error, please tell me. I miss having a proper beta.


	12. Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few days pass.... travel time, some dreams, and everyone finally arrives at Yavin 4 for the meeting.

Rey kept herself as busy as possible while waiting to leave for Yavin 4. Each morning she trained with Finn. She fashioned a couple of practice swords, and they had begun sparring. He’d received some training in melee combat from the First Order, so they weren’t starting completely from scratch. Each day he was growing more comfortable with meditation. The difficult part was finding ways to work on more active Force applications. It was a delicate balance, trying to find a way to teach him to sense another person’s thoughts and emotions without prying into what was genuinely none of their business. She spent the afternoons either meditating for guidance or looking through the texts for tales of redeemed Jedi. They were few and far between.

At night, Rey mostly dreamed of Ben. Of kissing him, of fighting alongside him in Snoke’s throne room. Dueling him amidst the crashing waves of Kef Bir. She dreamed of Kylo Ren chasing them both through the snow on Starkiller Base. She dreamed of Ren stalking her relentlessly amongst the trees on Takodana, laughing at her feeble attempts to resist him as he swept her away.

*~*~*~*~*

Rey watched in horror as Poe and Finn pulled out blasters and stunned Ben. He collapsed to the ground unmoving. There were others there, including Connix, Rose, and Beaumont. All of them scowling furiously. Poe’s voice echoed through her skull. “He doesn’t deserve to live, Rey. The decision was unanimous. He _must_ be held accountable for the things he’s done. All of the lives he’s taken."

She couldn’t move quickly enough to get between them. “No, NO, you can’t!"

They bound his wrists tightly behind his back and woke him up. He stood unmoving with his slightly head bowed, black hair falling across his pale forehead as they listed out his numerous crimes and then read the sentencing. Death. Through it all, Ben was completely silent, barely meeting her eyes. As they moved him into position he did not struggle. He knelt perfectly still while Finn beheaded him with his own lightsaber. Poe and Beaumont held Rey with an iron grip as she fought and screamed and sobbed. His decapitated body slumped to the side while his head rolled and landed at her feet, dark eyes forever frozen in sadness.

Rey awoke suddenly to the sound of Rose’s voice shouting her name. Her eyes flew open to see her friend standing just inside the door, looking concerned. _Not real. It was a nightmare._ The chair was floating, her tools and worktable were spinning, and the crate of Jedi texts was teetering on one corner. Rey released the Force and everything fell to the ground with a loud thud. Her heart was still thumping wildly in her chest with terror. _Another nightmare. That’s all it was. It wasn’t real. He’s not dead. He’s_ **_not dead._ **

“I’m sorry.” Sitting up, she could feel the tears still streaming down her face. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” She wiped at her eyes and shivered. Every time she blinked, she could still see his head lying there on the ground.

Rose walked over and sat down beside her. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m afraid of what’s going to happen on Yavin 4. That’s all it is.” Rey looked around her room, in chaos once again. 

“You seem really anxious about it," Rose gestured at the mess. “I don’t think that's an 'all it is' sort of thing.”

Rey sighed. “No, I guess not.” 

“When do you leave?” 

“Tomorrow after lunch.” Rey chewed on her lower lip for a moment and then said, “I haven’t missed some sort of secret tribunal, right?”

“No. No one’s done anything of the sort.” Rose reached out and took her hand. “Let me help you clean up, okay?"

“Don’t tell Poe about this one and you have a deal.” 

Rose gently squeezed her hand and nodded. “Not a problem.”

*~*~*~*~*

Ben spent much of the four days of hyperspace travel in meditation, setting alarms for half an hour out from each jump point. Each time he tried to sleep, he dreamed very vividly. Some of those were of Rey, which generally left him frustrated and wanting. There were nightmares of running from Kylo Ren through the trees on Mustafar, hearing the red saber hiss and spit. He also had nightmares about the meeting to come. In a few, the meeting just went poorly, while others ended in his death. Or, worse yet, Rey’s, because she tried to defend him. 

His panicked thoughts chased themselves in a circle. _What if they have another spy on the inside of the First Order? What if I have nothing to offer them? Then what? What if they’re just going to arrest me and put me on trial?!_ If that’s what happened, so be it. Focus on what you can control. Do not think of anything else. 

Several times, Ben tried to use the Force to see the future - to anticipate the questions they might ask him, perhaps even get an idea of how the meeting might go. Anything to assuage his fears. The Force showed him the vaguest glimpses of angry faces, Rey’s worried eyes, he could even hear his own voice through Kylo Ren's mask, but nothing of any actual _use_ . So instead he focused on pulling up every bit of minutiae that he could about the First Order’s forces, struggled to remember every excruciating briefing on new ships, Hux’s summaries of commanders’ capabilities, _anything_ that the Resistance might find useful.

Ben arrived at Yavin 4 about two hours ahead of schedule. Flying low over the planet’s surface, he scouted for structures. He remembered there were all kinds of ancient temples on the planet, but he had not been prepared for the sheer density of the jungle. A flash of reflected sunlight caught his attention. He turned, and off to his left, gleaming black spires towered above the canopy. Even without looking into the Force, he could sense the powerful dark side energy that radiated from it. The Temple of Exar Kun? Yes, that was the name. This place had been a point of contention between the Sith and the Jedi for centuries. How appropriate. 

Sighing deeply, Ben kept searching for the Grand Temple. He would need to set up camp for the night, as Rey and her friends were not scheduled to be here until tomorrow. Hopefully he could find a nice place nearby. Ben was desperate to get out of this cramped cockpit, and stretch out his cramping hip. He simply could not sleep in the X-wing anymore. 

*~*~*~*~*

They departed just after lunch, with Rey and Chewie flying the _Falcon._ It was about a nineteen hour jump to Yavin 4. Lando was relaxing in the rear seat behind Rey. R2-D2 was plugged into the _Falcon,_ running a diagnostic. He was still one of the only droids who could easily work with all of the systems.

Chewie looked at Rey and said, << _Lando said you can speak to Ben through the Force. Is that true? >> _

"Yes, that's correct."

<< _When exactly did that start?_ >>

She took a steadying breath and admitted, "While we were on Ahch-To."

A hairy palm thumped against the controls. << _Why didn't you tell me? I thought you went off to try and save him because of a vision. >> _ His voice sounded angry.

Several different responses went through her head. _It was too personal? It was far too new? I didn't know why it was happening and it felt like he was inside my soul somehow and it sounded crazy even to me._ Instead of any of these things, Rey simply said, "You're right. I should have told you before I went to face him. I’m sorry.”

Chewie grumbled, << _I am not completely unfamiliar with Jedi, you know? But it’s alright, I’m just glad Ben’s finally come to his senses. >> _

“You and me both, Chewie,” added Lando. “It’s been well over ten years since I’ve laid eyes on him in person. I’m not even sure what I am going to say.”

“If it makes you feel any better he’s nervous, too.”

Lando sighed and gave her a wry smile. “A little bit. Thanks.”

*~*~*~*~*

After Rey went to bed, Lando asked Poe, "Has there been any word from Hera?"

Poe looked startled for just a second, and then sighed. "No, but that's not unexpected. When did you find out about her mission?"

"I saw the _Ghost_ , found Hera and asked her what she was doing back so soon. I have few enough old friends left, Poe. You better believe I’m gonna to keep an eye on them."

Finn gave a low chuckle from his seat at the dejarik table, where he was playing a game with Chewbacca.

Poe rolled his eyes and decided to try and get some sleep.

*~*~*~*~*

Sometime deep in the night, Rey awoke to the feeling of movement against her back. _Ben._ He was whimpering in his sleep and struggling against _something._ She rolled over to face him on the narrow bunk, and placed one hand flat against his chest. “Shhhh.” He turned his face towards her, and buried his nose into her hair. After a few moments, she felt his whole body relax and settle back into sleep. She laid her cheek on his shoulder and closed her eyes.

*~*~*~*~*

Rey felt the gentle shudder as the _Falcon_ slid back into normal space. Heading into the cockpit, she wanted to get a look at the planet. Yavin 4 loomed large, hanging in the blackness of space. It was lovely, a variety of shades of green, dotted with deep blue lakes, soft white clouds floating serenely above it all. 

She closed her eyes and reached out to Ben as the last hum of the hyperdrive dropped away. _We’re about to hit atmo. Are you ready?_

His response came quickly. _No. But let’s do this anyway. Hopefully your friends won't shoot me on sight._

 _They won’t._ Rey sent reassurance back towards him.

The _Falcon_ slipped easily through the atmosphere, as Poe and Chewie steered it towards the Temple. Soon, Rey could see it looming above the trees, surrounded by a wide stone plaza. She headed back to stand near the ramp, so she could be the first one off the ship.

Rey knew the moment when Ben saw the _Falcon,_ could feel his nervous energy blossom into absolute terror. _I saw Chewie on the_ Steadfast, _you know. Went to talk to him, told the ‘troopers outside I needed to ‘interrogate the prisoner’._ His low voice echoed through her head. 

_All he kept focusing on was memories of my childhood. Happy memories. I could feel how much they meant to him. How much_ **_I_ ** _still meant to him. And despite that, I still did my best to drag the information I wanted out of his head…_ His voice trailed off, she could feel his guilt. _Another horrible act to add to my list._

 _It will be okay._ Rey tried very hard to send him peace and serenity. _Just breathe._

The moment Rey felt the _Falcon_ settle on solid ground, she slapped the button for the boarding ramp. As the portal opened, the humidity in the air was a stark contrast to the coolness of the ship. She pulled down the hem of her new tunic and tapped her foot impatiently waiting for the ramp to settle.

Ben stood in the shadow of the X-Wing’s closed foils, looking calm and collected. _And gorgeous_ , her subconscious helpfully added. It was an impressive front, given what she could sense of his riotous emotions. He was dressed in the purple shirt again, with the dark grey jacket over black pants tucked into his tall black boots, polished to a high sheen. A gun belt was slung low across his hips, with a blaster attached to his right thigh. With his chin held high and shoulders squared, his stance simply exuded royalty.

Rey walked forward to stand in front of him, and held out her right hand. He softly smiled and took it firmly in his own. "It's so good to see you in person,” he said. She stretched up on her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. It felt wonderful to be actually touching him again. 

Finn was the next one off the ship, followed by Lando, Poe, and BB-8. R2-D2 came rolling out of the ship, and stopped next to Lando. Rey then heard Chewie's distinctive stride down the gangplank. Ben's grip tightened briefly on her hand and then he let go. 

As Ben stepped slowly forward, he reached under the edge of his jacket and pulled his saber from behind his hip and his blaster from its holster. Without a word, he held them out. Rey could feel shock emanating from both Poe and Finn. Chewie stepped quickly past them all, and plucked them both out of his hands. After passing the blaster to Lando, he clipped the saber to the edge of his bandolier. He then wrapped his large arm around Ben’s shoulders and turned him away from the rest of the group. As they walked back towards the X-wing, Chewie bowed his head to speak to his nephew. Rey felt Ben pull into himself, blocking out most of her ability to sense his emotions.

Poe looked decidedly uncomfortable. Lando finally spoke, “You all go inside. He’s not going anywhere, and this is family business. We'll join you once we're done."

Finn nodded and walked towards the Temple with Poe and BB-8. Rey hesitated, and finally settled for perching on a nearby rock. She didn’t want to interfere, but she was also worried for Ben’s state of mind, confronting his uncles again after all that had happened. 

The encounter with Chewie took a few minutes. They were far enough away that Rey couldn’t hear what was said, but a few angry roars in Shyriiwook echoed back towards her. Finally, Chewie reached out and snatched Ben off the ground for a huge hug. Despite the mental shields he’d constructed, Rey had a flash of Chewie throwing him up in the air as a small child, accompanied by a briefest feeling of utter safety, wrapped up in those big, fuzzy arms. 

Lando patted R2-D2 lightly on the head and said, “Come on, I think it’s our turn.” The astromech outstripped Lando and raced towards Ben, beeping excitedly. Ben dropped to one knee to speak to R2-D2, wrapping one large hand across the top of his dome. Lando stopped next to him and Ben stayed where he was, letting Lando speak first, not even looking up. More nervousness, with a touch of fear echoed back to Rey. 

This conversation took a little longer, but finally ended in another hug. Rey could see the tracks of a few tears on Ben’s cheeks as he walked back towards the _Falcon._ His jaw was clenched, and his expression said he was barely holding himself together.

As Lando passed by with Chewie, he gave her a slight nod. R2-D2 trailed slowly behind Ben, almost as if afraid he would disappear. 

Stopping in front of Rey, he looked down at her, his black hair falling forward across his brow. She could see his eyes were dark and filled with unshed tears. The Bond suddenly opened wide, and relief and terrible regret came streaming out of Ben. She felt her eyes water in response. Falling to his knees, he buried his head in her lap, shoulders shaking for just a moment. She felt his hands clenched into tight fists along the sides of her hips. A raw sound of grief and pain erupted from Ben’s throat, half muffled by her thigh. She put one hand between his shoulder blades and buried the other one in his hair, so soft against her fingers. _I don’t deserve their forgiveness. And they gave it to me anyway._

_Yes, you do. Your mother and your father believed in you. Why wouldn’t Lando and Chewie?_

_I’m so sorry - I hate being this emotional._

Rey put a hand along Ben’s cheek and tugged on his chin. Pulling his face up, it was almost level with her own. Looking into his eyes, she said, “Don’t apologize for your emotions. It’s how we handle them that is important. This can't be easy for you. Or for them. Please don't try and pretend that it is.”

He nodded and swiped at his damp cheeks. She leaned her head forward and rested her forehead against his. _I'm here with you. We'll get through this together._ She focused on sending comfort through the link. They stayed like that for a few moments, Ben drawing solace from her simple touch.

“Thank you.” Pulling back he looked down at the olive tunic she was wearing and said, “You look good in green. I like the new pants, too."

She grinned. “Smooth talker,” she teased, trying to lighten his mood. 

“We should probably get moving.” From behind him, R2-D2 beeped in agreement.

“Only if you’re ready.”

Ben stood and held out his hand. Rey took it silently, as his composure returned slowly but surely. Passing by the _Falcon_ he paused to look longingly up into the ship. “Are you sure we can’t just go?” She knew he wasn’t _really_ asking, just expressing a desire to escape what could come next.

Rey closed her eyes for the briefest moment, savoring the thought of being alone with him, no one yelling, no one harassing them. “We’d never be able to stop running. And we both know that’s one of the more recognizable ships in the galaxy.”

She hugged him tight. “We’ll have a moment to ourselves soon enough, I think.” Ben nodded as she tugged him slowly forward. They walked into the Temple together, fingers still intertwined.

*~*~*~*~*

Finn looked up at the imposing edifice of the Temple. “So you know the way in, right?"

"Shouldn't be a problem. This way."

Poe walked forward and stopped at a panel set into the wall, carefully typing in a code. In response, the thick metal doors slid open about a quarter of the way, groaning loudly in complaint. Walking inside, Finn looked up into a cavernous space. There was some dim lighting along the ceiling high overhead. 

Along the walls, Finn could see repair bays standing empty, disappearing into the shadows. Much of what he could see was only dimly lit. “This place is _huge_!”

“Most of the first floor was for starfighter repair. Rose and Rey would probably love to come see what was left behind when the Rebellion evacuated.” Finn chuckled in response.

Off to the left in a brightly lit bay, there was a circle of mismatched duraplast benches pulled up, with a table along one side. “How did you manage this?” gesturing at the conversation space.

Poe grinned smugly. “I called ahead, so to speak. I have a few friends among the locals.” He set things up as he wanted, leaving a little extra room. 

“Good call."

“Thanks.” In truth, Poe was not looking forward to this at all. Rey was neck deep in all of this, and somehow expected them to just _accept_ that Kylo Ren was gone, and Leia’s son was Ben Solo once again. 

Poe sighed as he sat down. Everything was so much _easier_ in the cockpit of a starfighter. If someone shot at you, you shot back. You knew exactly who your friends were. Enemies were easy to spot, everything was very clean, very black and white. Real life was so much more complicated.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is written - I am editing it right now.  
> I want to proofread it one more time after a little sleep.  
> Hope to post it in the next 24 hours, but I must sleep - the tiny demons who live in my house and masquerade as my children will be awake in about five hours, so I have got to go to bed.
> 
> Love to you all. Feedback and kudos make me grin like a fool and remind me why I do this. I really want to know what you think. Every writer does.  
> I hope you and yours are all safe, healthy and keeping sane. Some days that last one feels like a stretch.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @serafines. I would love new friends.  
> If you like this fic, feel free to share links to it on Tumblr or Twitter or wherever.


	13. The Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting between Ben, Rey, Poe, Finn, Lando, and Chewie on Yavin IV.  
> Snark and information sharing ensue...

Finn opened his senses to the Force and dropped into meditation as quickly as possible once he chose a seat. Seeing Rey cuddle up to that monster so quickly outside had turned his stomach. And he would need to be calm for this meeting. _Focus on your breathing._ Yelling and screaming would not help untangle this unholy _mess_. He stretched his awareness out. 

Yavin 4 teemed with life, just as he expected. There were small, fuzzy occupants scattered through the Temple. Scaly ones, too. Birds nested in the nooks of the outside stones. 

He could sense Poe, nervous and wildly impatient, tapping on his datapad. After a few minutes, Chewie and Lando walked inside, looking weary. Both of them were relieved after speaking with Ren, but there was still sadness and regret as well.

Prepared as he was, Finn _felt_ Rey and Ren approach, hand in hand. Standing together they glowed like a beacon. There was no other way to put it. Both were powerful Force users, which would have been enough, but their signatures were so thickly intermingled at the edges, it was impossible to say where one ended and the other began. There was even a ghostly gold and crimson cord that seemed to weave in and out of them. Once they broke apart, it stretched and thinned, but did not sever. How had he not seen this before?

Fear and anger flickered briefly through him. Had this been a purposeful creation of Ren’s? Attaching himself this strongly to Rey? To gain an ally amongst the Resistance? Rey had talked about a bond, but the strength of their connection still caught him off guard.

Finn examined Ren carefully. There was no malice in the man, no cold blackness. Instead he sensed an incredible sadness, and the faintest bit of hope. Grief. Regret. Nervousness. And _fear_. That was a surprise. Was this some sort of act? Finn could also still feel the dark side swirling vaguely at the edges of him, but it was only as the smallest threads. He remembered facing off against the man in the snowy woods on Starkiller. In that memory, Ren was a howling wall of pure rage and darkness which filled him with dread even now. The man holding hands with Rey seemed to be a completely different person in almost every way he could perceive. How could that be true?

Poe looked up, frowning slightly at the handholding. “Are we ready to get started?”

Ren just nodded as he and Rey let go of one another and sat down on the same bench. BB-8 rolled into position across from him. A tiny indicator light came on as he started recording. Poe had made it clear he wanted to be able to review every word said in the meeting. The tension in the air was palpable as the group sat staring at one another.

Finally, Poe asked, “So, let’s start this off with the most obvious question. Why did you leave the First Order?”

“Because I finally realized I was on the wrong side. The First Order doesn’t seek to bring order out of chaos. It simply wants control. Control of every living thing in the galaxy. And it will achieve it by any means necessary.” Finn sensed clearly that Ren believed what he said.

“Why should we accept that this change of heart is genuine?” That really was the point of this whole meeting, after all.

Rey started to speak but Poe glared at her. She shut her mouth with a grimace, wrinkling her nose in irritation. Ben noticed the exchange between them and felt his jaw tighten briefly in anger. _No one should get to silence her so easily_ , he thought.

Poe pointed at Ben. “I want to hear it from _him_ . _Why_ should we trust you or anything you have to say, _Supreme Leader_?” His voice dropped half an octave, with a hint of pure malice. “Convince me.”

Ben bristled at Poe’s attitude, and then reminded himself they had absolutely no reason to believe him. “I came to you peacefully. I gave up my weapons without being asked to do so.”

“You’re a Force user. We both know you have far more dangerous weapons at your disposal. But I realize you have surrendered yourself willingly, and we appreciate it.” Poe’s voice sounded genuine, but Finn could easily read the bone deep suspicions he still had.

“I don’t _want_ to be a part of the First Order anymore. I need to try and make amends, however that has to happen. I want to _help._ The actions of the First Order destroyed countless lives. And some of those are my fault.” Finn focused intently, trying to gauge Ren’s intent.

“What can you offer us? Why shouldn’t we just put you on trial?” Poe asked, eyes narrowing.

Rey paled, and Finn felt her terror. That was her biggest fear in all of this, clearly. Chewie gave a low, slightly threatening growl in protest. Lando leaned in and whispered something in the Wookiee’s ear.

“I serve no purpose as a corpse, _General_ ,” Ren said with a slight sneer. “And you know it. There are fleets of ships remaining that must be tracked down and either destroyed or taken. That was the beginning of the downfall of the New Republic, after all. They failed to completely eradicate the remnants of the Empire.”

Lando shifted at that. “He’s not wrong.”

Poe’s eyes flashed. “I am aware.”

Ren continued. “There are fall back plans which are probably being followed right now. The First Order has emergency rally points - six of them, as far as I know, spread out across the galaxy. It’s possible there may be one or two older ones that I am unaware of in the Unknown Regions, holdovers from the remnants of the Empire. As long as no hostiles approach, orders state that they should wait there two weeks from the arrival of the first ship.”

“And you can give us these rally point coordinates?” Poe asked, crossing his arms.

“The systems certainly. The coordinates themselves are buried within the navicomputer of every First Order vessel. I haven’t looked at them for a few years, unfortunately.” Ren turned to Rey. “I don’t suppose my TIE wound up somewhere convenient?”

“Not really. It’s on Ahch-To, but I don’t think it will be very helpful.”

“Why?”

“I set it on fire so I couldn’t leave. That’s how I wound up with Luke’s X-wing.” R2-D2 made a series of beeps and squeals.

Ren shook his head. “Damn it.” He sighed and continued. “While on Naboo, I heard a news report that the First Order flagship was destroyed in a battle with the Resistance in the Unknown Regions, along with the Supreme Leader.”

Poe noted that he used the title as if it was an entirely different person. 

“The report also stated there had been no statement denying that released by the First Order. Is that still true?”

Poe replied, “It is.”

“Which would indicate that most of the ruling council was also killed in that battle. The attacks on First Order forces are likely growing in strength by the day, as no one has stepped up to take charge of what remains. How quickly has this unrest spread through the rest of the galaxy?”

Poe dodged the question. “Later. First, tell me what happened on Kef Bir. Finn tells me you and Rey were trying to kill each other the last he saw.”

“Yes, we fought. I went into the ruins of the Death Star in search of the other Wayfinder, just as Rey did. I hoped to stop her from travelling to Exegol alone.” Rey looked over at Ren, and Finn could sense her affection for the man. “Palpatine claimed he wanted her dead, but I didn’t think that was true. Histories of the Sith would suggest they always have at least three different plans going at any given moment. More recent galactic events would confirm that Palpatine is no different.” 

“But she was your enemy. A member of the Resistance. The First Order still has a bounty out on her, alive _only_.” Poe stressed the last word. “Why would you want to protect her?” 

Ren’s ears colored as he replied, “I knew all that we could accomplish as a team. The Force connected us again and again. I saw several visions of us ruling together, and I wanted her to join me. To be my partner. I believed we would be invincible. Standing together, we killed Snoke, and defeated his guards.” 

Finn felt almost sheepish embarrassment coming out of Ren, as he admitted his plans for Rey. As far as he could tell, she did not seem surprised or angered by the information.

Poe asked, “That happened just before Crait, correct?”

“Yes,” Ren replied curtly.

“So why didn’t you just rejoin the First Order fleet after you two fought on Kef Bir?" Poe asked. "Weren’t they headed to Exegol?"

“I didn’t want to. The thought was…sickening.” Finn sensed that this was a true statement.

“What changed?” asked Poe.

“I did. When the First Order captured Chewbacca, I went in to speak to him. To interrogate him. When he wouldn't answer me, I looked into his mind. And despite the things I had done, despite the way I talked to him, all he thought about was how much he loved me. All the good memories he treasured from my childhood.”  _ Snoke lied to me for years, preyed on my fears. My family had always loved me, even if they sent me away. _

Chewie made a soft, mournful sound.

“Not only that, but I felt my mother reach out to me as she died. When that happened, I became fixated on her presence and dropped my saber in surprise. Rey caught it and stabbed me, right here,” he said touching a spot on the top of his abdomen. Finn twitched.  _ Was that a glimmer of pride he felt from Ren? Was he  _ proud _ of Rey taking advantage of his weakness in battle? _

“And instead of letting me die, she healed me. It sounds remarkably melodramatic, I know, but that act of undeserved grace finally convinced me that I was on the wrong side. From the moment….” Ben paused and took a shaky breath. Rey and Finn both felt another sharp stab of regret flow through him. “Ever since the terrible confrontation with my father on Starkiller, the call to the Light has only grown.”

Poe said nothing in response. Finn could feel his exasperation as he watched a muscle twitch in Poe’s cheek. “You said Palpatine wanted Rey dead? How did he communicate that to you?”

“I had already gone to meet him on Exegol. Alone. Just after his initial broadcast. I needed to find out if he was actually still alive.”

“How was that possible? Didn’t he die during the Battle of Endor?” Poe still couldn’t believe it. 

“The man I saw on Exegol was a clone - kept alive by machines and elixirs. His body was already decaying and smelled like rotting meat. He was being physically consumed by the dark side.” Ben shuddered slightly at the memory. “Sith magic made the whole thing possible.” 

“So what was said? Did you two make a deal?”

Ben sighed. "He made me an offer. Gloated about the vast forces at his disposal. And told me that all I needed to do to get them was to kill the last Jedi.” _He also claimed responsibility for the voices I've heard my entire kriffing life,_ Rey heard Ben add internally.

Poe leaned forward. "Why didn’t you do what Palpatine asked, and just kill Rey? Wouldn’t getting that gigantic fleet have been worth it?"

Ren replied, “No. Not a chance. I had no intention of killing her. Certainly not on his word. Men like Palpatine never keep their bargains. Even had I made the choice to kill Rey, and tried to claim that fleet, I would still have someone trying to control me. It’s been that way my entire life. I wanted the throne, with Rey beside me. I knew I could get her to turn. _That_ was my original plan.

Poe typed on his datapad. "Can you tell me exactly what happened after you left Kef Bir?”

“I found an Imperial TIE scout in the ruins of the Death Star that was in one piece. Got it up and running. Then I followed the tracking markers Rey left, just as you did, I suspect." Poe nodded in confirmation.

Ren continued, "After reaching Exegol, I hurried inside. I could feel Rey’s presence as soon as I entered the citadel. As I suspected might happen, the guards were not as friendly as the first time. Palpatine had likely sensed my change. Eventually I came face to face with the Knights. For the briefest moment I thought they might help me, but then they attacked. I was losing badly.”

“You said you defeated Snoke’s guards. I’m surprised you couldn’t hold your own against them.”

“It was six against one. All I had was a blaster until Rey passed me my saber through the Force. I was in trouble.”

Poe’s mouth opened as if to ask a question and then shut with a snap. Finn’s back twitched at the memory of that sizzling blade cutting across it, the smell of his own flesh burning as he collapsed face down into the snow. He asked, “What happened to your red lightsaber?”

“In the ocean on Kef Bir. I threw it away. I didn’t want it anymore.” Finn could sense there was more behind that statement, but it was definitely true.

"You said that you were not surprised when you were attacked. Why did you return to Exegol if you thought you’d be in danger?” Poe asked. 

“I wanted to help Rey face Palpatine. As I said, I knew she would inevitably go in alone once she found the other Wayfinder in my TIE. I could sense how terribly powerful he was. Some people call the dark side seductive because it is easy. Quick. It responds so well to rage and pain.”

Ben paused and looked at Rey, the question in his mind ringing clear through the Bond. She nodded once and replied, _Whatever you want to say, Ben - it’s fine. They want to hear your side of the story._

Even with her permission, he still didn’t like it. _I hope they won’t use this to manipulate her._ “The revelation of who her family was hurt. It made Rey doubt who and what she was. And I could feel the darkness growing, trying to sway her. She gets just as angry as I do. Fights just as fiercely. I saw her hurl Force lightning on Pasaana. In truth, I could sense her rage and pushed her to see exactly what she would do." Ben turned to Rey and said, “I’m so sorry for that.”

Facing Poe again, he continued, “The ease with which she was able to manifest that much power was exhilarating to watch. Force lightning is typically a tool of the dark side. It shouldn’t be that easy for a Jedi. Especially a relatively inexperienced one. I knew what it meant. I knew she was starting to give in and I wanted to make sure that didn’t happen. The possibility horrified me.

“She came on board the _Supremacy_ in an escape pod to try and convince me to turn. To save me from myself. It was only right that I try and do the same for her.”

Rey saw the surprise on Finn’s face at Ben’s revelations, while Poe’s expression gave nothing away. Instead he asked, “So, how close was it, Rey? Would you have joined Palpatine had he not shown up on Exegol?” She sensed Ben’s temper flare. At Poe and at himself.

“Quite possibly. I was tempted, I know that.” Rey felt her cheeks color at the admission, but still lifted her chin to look him square in the eye.

“Facing temptation is frequently part of a Jedi’s path,” Ben interjected, his voice a little strident with the anger he was struggling to suppress. _How_ dare _Dameron question her loyalty after everything she has given to his cause._

Ben drew in a deep breath and tried desperately to calm down. Losing his temper would be unwise as well as deeply unproductive. He could feel Lando and Chewie watching him. 

“So what happened when you reached Palpatine? Were you right? _Did_ Rey need you?” Poe felt like an ass, knowing he was openly goading Ren, but he just couldn’t help it. 

“In my opinion my presence made things both easier and more difficult.” Ben fought the urge to punch Dameron in the face at his sarcastic tone. “Once I defeated my former companions, I met Rey standing in front of Palpatine. He yanked us off our feet, pulling the life energy out of both of us. He had not realized we were a true dyad, having never seen us together. After he siphoned off a frightening amount of our energy, he was _significantly_ rejuvenated. It might have been enough to sustain him permanently, I’m not sure. As soon as I was able to stand again, he picked me up with the Force and threw me into a deep pit, trying to kill me. He almost succeeded.”

“I was knocked unconscious by the fall. I awoke to my mother’s shade standing over me. Healing me. Telling me I had to get up. Standing in the darkness, I could hear and sense the Force lightning somewhere up above. As I climbed, things shifted. The lightning changed direction, and I could feel a… a gathering in the Force somehow. I was about halfway up the wall when Palpatine died. I felt the blast, the wave of darkness. The stone wall I was clinging to shook.” Ben reached out and gently took Rey’s hand. “And then Rey disappeared from my mind. She died because she was brave enough to face Palpatine and reflect his own hatred back against him.”

Rey’s hand trembled. She blinked and could see his painful struggle to cross the stone floor. “Once I reached her, she was already gone. I had already lost everyone and everything that was ever precious to me, so I did my best to heal her, imitating her technique from Kef Bir. It was the easiest decision I have ever made."

“If she was dead, you didn’t heal her, you _resurrected_ her.” 

“I believe the only reason I was successful is because of our connection. I sensed her spirit nearby. She had not yet joined with the Force.” Ben’s voice was calm, but his knuckles were white as he clung to Rey’s warm hand. She felt his pulse hammering against her fingertips. “Shortly after she awoke,” _and_ kissed _me,_ “I fell unconscious again. Some time later I opened my eyes to see her sitting beside me. There didn’t seem to be any survivors among the Sith cultists, as quite a bit of the ceiling came down. We made our way outside, swapped ships, and departed.” He almost laughed at the tidy summation of the painstaking hours they spent struggling back to the surface.

“Rey said you almost died. Is that true?” Poe asked.

Ren shrugged. “I can’t really say. It felt very much like I was dying at the time, I will admit. Rey must have healed me.”

Poe looked at Rey. “Would you care to elaborate?”

“I had help. Between bringing me back and his own internal injuries from the fall, Ben was dying. Quickly." She pulled Ben’s hand into her lap to cradle it in both of her own, not knowing how this might affect him. “And then his family appeared.”

She turned to look at Ben. “Anakin, Luke, and Leia. They helped me heal you. I was exhausted. Physically I was fine, but there is no way I could have prevented your death on my own.” The faintest whisper of _Grandfather_ came echoing through the Bond. Oh, he was shaken. Why had they not talked about this any time before _now_?

Rey turned back to Poe. “After the Skywalkers left, I gathered supplies, set his broken leg, and waited for him to wake up. That’s one of the reasons it took us so long to leave Exegol.”

Poe paused for a moment, clearly so full of other questions he didn’t even know where to start. He finally said, “His family showed up. And helped you heal him?”

“Yes. And along with the other Masters, helped me stand up to Palpatine. I remember lying on the floor looking up at the Resistance fleet being cut to ribbons by the lightning. Powered by _our_ life energy.” Beside her she felt anger and fear flicker through Ben at the memory of being held in the air and _drained_ so thoroughly.

“I couldn’t even find the strength to stand at first. I thought it was all over. And then the ghosts began appearing. Starting with Anakin Skywalker. They supported me. Strengthened me. Helped me to reflect Palpatine’s lightning back against him. That’s what actually killed him. There was a painful blast of dark energy,” _followed by your voice in my head calling me back_ she murmured to Ben through the link, “and I don’t really remember much else after that.” 

_You heard me?_

_I did._

“And all of this happened while we were dealing with Palpatine’s fleet?”

Rey nodded. “Yes.” 

Leaning close to Ben she whispered, “Are you okay?”

He nodded, eyes still looking haunted at the discussion of Exegol. Drawing in a deep breath he said, “What else do you want to know?” Almost instantly Ben’s face was once again an expressionless mask, but his emotions were an open book to Rey. He was still rattled and angry. And she was surprised he wasn’t physically bouncing with nervous energy. He wanted to get this initial meeting over with as quickly as possible.

Poe answered, looking down at the datapad in his hand. “How about a -” 

Lando abruptly cut him off. “A way to track the _Absolution_.”

Every head in the room swiveled to stare at him. Ben nodded and blinked rapidly twice. “A good choice.” Rey and Finn both felt sorrow and regret. And the flare of hot, burning shame. 

Lando continued, “I am sure there are many other questions that Poe has, but that’s really what I would like to know.” Chewie made a mournful sound of agreement.

“Last I knew, that ship was under the command of General Engell. She was gleeful upon hearing of the offer of the Sith fleet. Tracking it would require access to a First Order computer. Was the _Steadfast_ completely destroyed?”

Finn supplied that answer. “Yes. It went all the way down to the planet’s surface covered in flames. I doubt there’s anything useful left.”

“What about the _Supremacy_ ? Have you tried to get into it yet? The First Order abandoned it over Crait. The computers were supposed to be scrubbed, but I am sure a good slicer could find something useful. You could retrieve the rally point coordinates as well. I don’t have the skills to do that, but I do have passcodes, presuming they haven’t been erased. The _Absolution_ would have no reason to change transponder codes, so those should still be the same.”

Poe tapped something on his datapad. He then asked, “Which generals might still be alive?”

“I’m not certain exactly which ships went to Exegol besides the _Steadfast_ , but surely Pryde would have taken a few others. It is extremely unlikely he was the only one loyal to Palpatine amongst the generals. Pryde’s death is a serious blow to the First Order. He was ruthlessly efficient. He was also never remotely afraid of me, and now I know why.”

“As for what leadership that may remain,” Ben began ticking off on his fingers. “Pryde went down with the _Steadfast_ , almost surely. Hux and Quinn are both dead. General Parnadee would have likely gone with Pryde as well. She was overseeing the operation on Kijimi.”

Poe visibly bristled. "Well, Kijiimi’s not there anymore. Destroyed in a single blast, like the Hosnian system.”

Ben’s mask slipped again, and sadness played across his features. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that. That would have definitely been done by the Sith fleet. The First Order doesn’t have anything like that anymore. There were designs in progress, but nothing remotely functional.”

“We are aware that each of the Sith fleet’s Destroyers had planet killing cannons on board.” Poe took a deep breath and let it out, trying to calm down. "Do you have an idea who would be most likely to try and take charge of the remnants of the Order?"

“There are several very good candidates, provided they are still alive. But I think your best bet would be to monitor the rally points and see who shows up.”

“Okay.” Another series of taps on the datapad. “You said the First Order does not currently possess cannons that can destroy a planet with one blast - but they certainly did. Who exactly made the call to fire on the Hosnian system? Was that you?”

Ben glared, raising his voice, finally letting the defiant anger rippling through him escape. “Are you _really_ that dense, Dameron? No, it wasn’t me. Why the hell would I want to see the Hosnian system destroyed? How much time did I spend there as a child? There were other ways to deal with the Republic that did not involve firing that ludicrous unsustainable superweapon and murdering _trillions_ of people.” _How long did I watch my mother grieve for her people?_

“Populations can be subdued simply, it certainly doesn’t require the destruction of planets, much less systems. The Alerderaanian refugees gave the Empire nothing but trouble for _years_. The First Order should have learned from that but they did not. Destroying the Hosnian system turned those killed into martyrs, and anyone left into zealots.”

"Was it Snoke? Who gave that order?!" Poe pressed again, almost yelling.

“ _Armitage Hux_ made the suggestion to Snoke, who promptly approved it, _despite_ my protests." Ben's hands clenched into tight fists. "And _Hux_ is the one who personally gave the order to fire, after a grandstanding speech to the troops. You certainly worked with him quickly enough once he started offering you information.”

Finn asked, “You knew Hux was the spy?”

Ben's voice was much calmer. "I received confirmation in a transmission from Pryde about Hux just after I left the _Steadfast_ for Kef Bir. I had suspicions about him for some time.”

“Hux tried to lie to me.” Motioning to Finn, “As I am sure you are aware, Force users can read people _and_ sense deception. How long did he think I would be able to turn a blind eye? He hated me for _years_. Pryde was useful in keeping him under control.” 

“Why am I being held responsible for the decisions made by Snoke? I was the apprentice, _he_ was the master. The Supreme Leader,” he said with derision. _A ridiculous title,_ Rey heard clearly in her head.

Lando stood up. “How about we take a break, and let tempers cool for a minute?”

Poe said, “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

Ben immediately stood up and stalked off quickly into the shadows, rolling his shoulders.

Finn watched a variety of emotions play across Rey’s face. Finally she said to Poe, “He’s being truthful.”

“I know you believe that. And I don’t think you would have given in, but I wanted to see his reaction to the question.”

“And mine.” Rey challenged him. “You’re still suspicious of me because of my Bond with Ben. I know that.”

“You knew this was going to be rough. You know there are things I have to ask. 

“Just please don’t be mean about it. You’re a better man than that.” She headed away from the group towards Ben.

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not,” he muttered to himself. Poe sighed and set down his datapad. He rubbed his hands across his face, trying to wipe away some of the tension he was feeling. Standing up, he motioned to Finn, his expression still grim. He walked towards the door, Finn following after.

“So? Is this all an act or what? Have you been able to get a read on him?”

Finn nodded. “I almost hate to tell you this, but as far as I can tell everything he is saying is absolutely true. He feels remarkably guilty about killing Han. About all of it, really. And he’s been incredibly nervous since he walked in. He still has anger issues.” 

“Even I noticed that,” Poe responded.

“There is no question about the bond she described. They are all, um, tangled up. When you questioned Rey’s loyalty, I thought he was going to snap. He’s _very_ protective of her. And there’s still some dark side stuff there...” He paused for a moment, considering how best to express it. “...But it’s very small compared to his Force signature as a whole. Given his actions, I’d be more surprised if there still wasn’t a little darkness hanging around him, honestly. But Rey is right - this isn’t the same person that tried to kill me on Starkiller Base. Not even close.”

Poe grimaced and scrubbed his hand through his hair. “ _Shit_.” He hissed. “What the hell do we do with him now?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe still think of him as Ren... I hope I made that clear.
> 
> Love to you all.  
> I hope you and yours are all safe, healthy and keeping sane. Some days that last one feels like a stretch.
> 
> Please let me know what you think of this chapter. Feedback is so encouraging!!  
> Find me on tumblr @serafines. I would love new friends.  
> If you like this fic, feel free to share links to it on Tumblr or Twitter or wherever.


	14. Complements, Pie, and Rum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting part 2 - more interrogation. Finn and Poe have dinner with someone Poe trusts....

Rey followed after Ben, who had gone several bays back, into the shadows. As she rounded the edge of the wall, she saw that he had tucked himself into the far corner, the heels of his hands pressed over his eyes. His hands and shoulders were visibly shaking.

She stopped a few feet from him, not wanting to startle him. “Ben. _Ben.”_

He pulled his hands away from his face, tears glistening in his eyes, and opened his arms to her. Rey quickly stepped forward and cuddled up against him. 

“I keep seeing you lying there on the ground. Eyes wide open. You’re so karking _still._ " _I didn’t want to talk about Exegol, damn him._ “I had just found you, it was finally whole and right, and then you were gone, and I was alone _again_.” Ben knew he was starting to ramble, but he just couldn’t seem to stop. “Why did he have to bring it up?”

“I’m not dead, I’m right here. You saved me. You did it.” Rey could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He clung to her, nose buried in her hair, breathing heavily. It took a solid minute for him to stop shaking, lost in the memory of the terrible void inside his mind where her presence should have been.

Once he seemed calm, she whispered in his ear. “I lied to Poe.”

He leaned back to look at her, confused. “About what?”

“I remember what happened after Palpatine disappeared. After I… died. I saw you. I saw everything.” 

" _That’s_ why I sensed you somewhere near, but I couldn’t see you,” Tears welled up in her eyes, remembering his expression as he held her body so tightly. His grief had been so desperate and raw.

“Thank you. Thank you for saving my life. For coming to help me on Exegol. I did need you.”

Ben cradled her face with hands, staring into her eyes. “Where else would I go, but to you? Even when we were still trying to kill each other, you believed in me. You never _stopped_ believing in me. You came to rescue me from Snoke. That was your attitude. Like a knight rescuing the prince. If I couldn’t have brought you back on Exegol, I was going after you. Surely you know that. Living without you would be...impossible, I think.”

She pressed her palms over his hands and pulled them to her lips. “I know.”

He sat down on a dusty crate. “So what exactly happened after I collapsed? I don’t remember anything.”

"I had given you a few more minutes, but you were fading quickly. I begged the Force for help - hoping the Masters would return. And your family came to help you. First Anakin, then Leia and Luke. You were so hurt. I couldn’t believe you’d made it back to me.”

Rey cleared her throat, not sure how he was going to react to this information. “And there's one other thing you need to know. I have a message from Anakin. He wanted me to tell you that he was proud of you.”

"My grandfather truly said that?"

“Yes, he did.”

“All the years I spent chasing his legacy, and _this_ is how I earn his approval.” He chuckled through his tears, shaking his head. “I focused so long on who he _became_ , I never once gave any real thought as to the Jedi he must have been in the beginning.”

Rey took his hand, trying to anchor him to the here and now. Ben wiped his eyes, and looked out into the darkness. “So do you think Dameron and Finn believe me?”

“I think so. I’m sure Finn is doing his best to read you with the Force.”

“I’m doing my best to not reach out at all,” Ben admitted.

“That’s probably wise. Feeling better?”

“Yes, thank you.” Leaning forward, he kissed her gently on the cheek. “We should probably get back.”

Rey and Ben were walking back towards the front of the Temple when they saw Finn heading in their direction. 

“Rey, Ren, are you ready to get back to it?”

She felt Ben tense up, but his tone remained light. “Sure, FN-2187.”

“My _name_ is Finn,” the former trooper said with a snarl.

“And _my_ name is Ben.” He barked back. “I can keep it straight as long as you can.” Rey closed her eyes and shook her head in frustration.

“Fine.” Finn turned sharply on his heel and walked quickly back towards Poe.

“Be nice,” Rey admonished him, squeezing his hand.

“Are _they_ trying to be nice?” he huffed back, lifting his eyebrows with the question.

“C’mon, someone has to start. _Please_ , try?”

Ben drew a slow breath in through his nose and sighed. “Fine.”

As they approached, Poe was pacing, looking anxious? Irritated? Rey couldn’t quite place his expression. Glancing over at Lando, she saw the older man’s jaw was clenched. She opened herself to the Force. Everyone was annoyed, bordering on angry. Great. _Something_ had certainly been said during their absence from the room… “Poe, are you ready?” She kept her tone as neutral as possible.

His dark head popped up. “Yeah, sorry. Bee-bee Ate, start recording, please.” 

Once they were all settled, Poe looked down at his datapad, and said, “I have some questions about ship complements.” They spent over two hours going over every ship, captain, crew, and assignment that Ben could remember. Rey was genuinely surprised when everyone remained civil. 

Following that, Poe asked him about every First Order installation that the Resistance knew of. Again, Ben answered every question without hesitation. Rey was mostly silent, but kept an eye on Finn who still stared at Ben like he was an unknown life form.

As soon as they were finished, Poe said, “I need to make this very clear. _If_ you return with us to Ajan Kloss, you will not be allowed to contact the First Order in any capacity. Very, _very_ few people know your true identity. For the moment, I would like to keep it that way, until we figure exactly how this thing is going to play out.”

“When will I know if I can go back to your base? I don’t suspect you want me striking out on my own.”

“No, I don’t. And tomorrow, at the latest. I would like a chance to consider my options.”

“Very well.”

Ben stood slowly, walked over to Poe, and held out his hand. “I appreciate you coming to talk to me.” 

Poe looked up at him, his warm brown eyes gone wide with shock. Blinking once, as though Ben were an apparition that would vanish, Poe stood and shook his hand. “Uh, yeah. No problem.” _You forgot who his mother was for a moment, didn’t you, Poe?_

Rey glanced over at BB-8 out of the corner of her eye, and was thrilled to see that little moment caught on the recording. Fighting back a smile, she asked, “So are we done here?”

Finn answered, “Yeah, I think we are. For now.”

Outside, the sun was getting close to the horizon, casting odd shadows along the walls. The _Falcon_ had arrived around midday, and they had spent the entire afternoon talking. Ben’s throat was dry and he could hear Rey’s stomach grumbling.

Poe looked over and said, “I‘ll be outside. C’mon Bee-bee Ate, let’s go.” The small droid rolled after him. Finn followed, looking concerned. 

Once clear of the Temple door, Poe pulled out a comlink, and pressed the signaling button quickly twice, paused and pressed it twice again.

A male voice came out of the small speaker. “All good?”

“Yes, sir. Anytime you’re ready.”

“Who was that?” Finn asked, walking up next to him.

“My father. This is where I grew up.”

Finn shook his head. “Of course it is. How long has it been since you've seen him?"

"I'm not sure. Six or seven months? It was right after we established the base on Ajan Kloss. Leia told me to go. I’m really glad you’re going to get a chance to meet him.” Poe frowned back at the Temple. “That was hard, right?”

“That was really hard. This is an unbelievably messy problem with no easy answer. Or at least that’s what I think.”

“And he’s telling the truth?” Poe asked, almost hoping for a different answer.

“In every way I can see, yes. And Rey is absolutely wild about him.”

Poe tapped his foot, still full of adrenaline. “That is going to bite us in the ass.”

Finn replied. “Yup. One way or another.”

Inside the Temple, Lando had walked over to Ben and laid a gentle hand on his arm. “You did real well, kid. I’m proud of you.” Chewie growled his agreement.

Through the Bond, Rey felt Ben’s disbelief. “Uh, thank you.”

_They’re right,_ Rey pushed through the link. _This wasn’t easy. And no one started a fight. I might even call this a success._ “How about we head out, okay? Is it dinner time yet? I am starved.” 

Lando chuckled. “Yes, I think so.”

A few minutes later, they were standing at the foot of the gangplank of the _Falcon._ Lando was about to invite him in for dinner when he saw Ben’s expression as he looked up into the ship. His eyes were wide and dark, and he looked terribly anxious. “Hey - how about we eat outside. We can pull some of the benches out of the Temple. I am pretty sure they are leftover from the Rebellion anyway.”

Rey offered, “Ben and I can go get them.” His haunted gaze was still transfixed on the _Falcon._

When he didn’t respond, she tugged on his sleeve. “Right? Ben?”

He nodded jerkily, “Sure.”

Lando and Chewie headed into the ship as Ben turned to Rey and asked softly, “What did I just agree to?”

“Moving benches.”

“Oh, okay.” Grabbing his hand, she tugged him towards the Temple.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Just got lost in memories for a second. I don’t think I am ready to get on that ship.”

“It’s alright. You don’t have to just yet.”

They explored the other side of the Temple for a few minutes, and then grabbed two benches each and headed back towards the _Falcon_.

Setting them down, Rey could hear the noise of an incoming vehicle. They turned to see a small airspeeder clearing the edge of the canopy and dropping into the plaza.

An older man hopped out and Poe grabbed him in a big hug. “Who is that?” Ben asked.

Rey replied, “I have no idea.”

Chewbacca strode down the gangplank, bringing a crate to serve as a table. Looking over at the speeder, he nodded. “Chewie, who is that?”

<< _Kes Dameron, Poe’s father._ >> He turned and headed back into the ship.

Rey felt Ben retreat into himself, anger and guilt seeping through the cracks despite his efforts. Turning around, he walked quickly straight into the jungle. She gave him a bit of a head start, and then followed after him. As she cleared the tree line, she heard Lando’s call of greeting echoing across the stone plaza. Poe had told her his parents had been part of the Rebellion - of course they’d be old friends.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ben tried very hard not to dwell on the things he could not change. But seeing a joyous father-son reunion while literally standing in the shadow of the _Falcon_ had simply been too much. He’d never have that chance again, and it was completely his fault. He shook his head, trying to drive the memories from his mind. A walk would do him some good - he’s been sitting all day long, and his hip needed the stretch. There was nothing much to climb here except temples or trees. He could sense Rey behind him and paused to allow her to catch up to him.

Holding out his hand, Ben started moving as soon as she took hold of it. They spent a few minutes walking in silence. “Now that I've looked at it, this planet was a good choice for a Rebel base. Out of the way. The Temple is huge. This planet has never been hugely populated and the Jedi and the Sith fought over it anyway." _Like they fought over everything._ He pointed off to the northeast. "Did you sense the Sith Temple when you came in?"

"What? No, I didn't." _I was too focused on you,_ Rey thought.

“The Temple of Exar Kun. Four or five thousand years old, I don’t remember. I think it might be made of volcanic glass? It was glossy and black in the sunlight. I’d like to fly by it before I leave here.” She looked up at him. He responded to the question written across her features. “I just want to get a look. All the other temples I have seen here were made of stone.”

As they walked, they could hear something moving through the canopy overhead. Looking up, Rey could see a long armed, blue furred creature climbing higher, a baby holding on to its back. “Sightseeing at Sith temples seems like a bad idea.” .

“I just want to take a look - I am curious about its construction. Luke and I visited several former Jedi strongholds during my first few years as his Padawn. I want to see how this compares.”

“What were you doing going to old Jedi temples?”

“He was searching for anything the Council had missed. Holocrons, texts, we even picked up a few lightsabers.” _And then I blew it all up._

Rey easily sensed his changing mood. “ _Stop._ Neither of us can change the past. But hopefully we can choose a better future.”

Ben nodded, eyes dark and serious. “Sorry.”

Pulling on his hand, she turned to the right. “Come on, let’s angle this way. I don’t really want to get lost out here.”

About a half an hour later, they broke through the treeline edging the plaza. The airspeeder was gone, as were Poe and Finn. There was also no sign of Lando or Chewie, though R2-D2 was stopped near the foot of the ramp of the _Falcon_. As soon as he saw them, he chirped, and came racing forwards.

“No, Artoo, we didn’t leave. Just needed to take a walk,” Ben said, patting the dome of the astromech.

“I’ll go check on dinner,” Rey said, and walked into the ship.

Ben sat down on one of the benches, clasping his hands between his knees. Looking over at the _Falcon_ , he wondered if he would ever feel comfortable walking up that gangplank again.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Finn admired the framed bronze starburst hung above the couch. There was a small plaque underneath that read “Bronze Nova for Conspicuous Gallantry Awarded to Shara Bey for her actions during the Liberation of Gorma.” Beneath the starburst was a small holo showing Poe as a small child, held by both of his parents. Kes, in his fighting days, looked to be solid muscle. Finn could see the strong resemblance between father and son. Same handsome features, same tan skin. But he had inherited his mother’s rich brown eyes and unruly shock of hair. And apparently her fearlessness as a pilot. Kes bragged about his wife’s skill when he had shown Finn this award. Poe’s mother had been gorgeous, with wild black curls topping off her lean frame. 

For the briefest moment, Finn wondered what his parents looked like. If there were baby holos of him tucked away in someone’s bedroom. It was certainly not the first time he’d had such thoughts, and with all of the talk of family that had gone on these last few weeks, it was unsurprising it had come up again. Horrible as the revelation was, even Rey had finally discovered her heritage.

Trying to shake off the melancholy, Finn walked to the front window. The small settlement was lovely, tucked away in a small valley. There were several houses around a central green space, which featured a solitary tree. Odd, considering the thickness of the foliage everywhere else on Yavin 4. No wonder Poe had felt so at home on Ajan Kloss. It was a sea of warm green as far as he could see.

The last of the sunlight was reflecting off some high clouds, casting everything in a warm pink glow. His eyes came back to the tree out front. It was different from any other tree he had seen on this planet, though he couldn’t exactly put his finger on _why_ he thought so.

Poe’s voice finally reached him. “ _Finn_. You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry.” He forced a slight smile onto his face, not wanting Poe to worry.

Stepping beside him he followed Finn’s line of sight. “My mother planted that tree. Everything else you see is native. That one is definitely not.”

“Where is it from?”

“She and Luke Skywalker rescued it from the Empire. It’s an uneti tree, grown from a cutting of the Great Tree that grew on Coruscant at the Jedi Temple. We can go take a closer look in a bit. You ready for dessert?”

“Yeah.”

As they returned to the kitchen, Kes said. “Beebee-Ate, pause playback, please.” He had been watching the recording of the interrogation while Poe cleaned up after dinner. Stretching forward, he handed Finn and Poe portions of fresh bilaberry pie.

Finn took a bite. “This is really good, sir. Thank you for making it.”

“You’re welcome. Picked the bilaberries fresh this morning. I’ve got a few trees planted out back.”

“You’re not having any, Dad?” Poe asked.

Gesturing at the frozen holo Kes replied, “I’m not really in the mood.”

“Han was so happy when that kid was born. They both were. It’s a damn shame.” Kes grabbed his glass and threw back the rest of the reddish brown contents. “Now that you have him, what exactly do you plan to do with him?”

Poe admitted, “That’s one of the reasons I wanted to come here. Because I don’t _know_ . I need help. I can’t possibly look at this rationally. Kylo Ren had me tortured, interrogated, and then dug around in my brain with the Force. It _hurt_. Felt like nothing I have ever experienced. Honestly, if it were up to me, he’d already be dead.”

Kes looked at Poe with sympathy written clearly across his features. “I know, son. I’m so sorry. Are you sure this isn't some sort of ploy to avoid being prosecuted as a war criminal?”

Poe answered, looking irritated. "As much as I'd like to say yes, I honestly don't think so. Because if that's true, his timing was terrible. We were having our asses handed to us over Exegol. There are still people in recovery. We are incredibly lucky that the Citizens’ Fleet showed up when it did, because I don't think there would have been anything left of us in about ten minutes. If Ben was going to switch sides he could have just waited until the end of the battle, but he didn’t. According to Rey he was there from the very beginning.”

“Trying to figure out what to do with captured enemies can be tough. Finn, Poe told me that you saw what happened on Starkiller between Han and Ben?”

Finn nodded. “I did. And so did Rey and Chewie. I always thought he was crazy for confronting him all alone like that. I had no idea he was Kylo Ren’s father.”

Kes shrugged and crossed his arms. “Han was probably trying to convince him to come home.”

“Why do you think that?” asked Poe.

“I followed Han into a lot of really dangerous situations. He never flinched. Even when it was the smart play. If I was in his shoes, and had a chance to talk to my son, you better believe I would have taken it.” Poe looked away for a moment, regret flitting briefly across his features.

Kes shook his head and sighed. “So what do you think should happen to Ben?” 

Finn quickly swallowed the last of his pie. “I don’t know. On one hand, he was Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the First Order. He nearly killed me on Starkiller Base. His presence alone scared the crap out of me. But, Ben Solo is a different person. I can sense that through the Force. He _surrendered_ \- without hesitation. He’s given us lots of valuable information. He saved Rey’s life. I know she died on Exegol, I felt it, and they both tell us the same story as to how she came back.”

Poe turned to face Finn, his whole body tense. “But how is that enough? Doesn’t he need to be punished for his actions? Held accountable? How many deaths is he responsible for? How many people did he personally kill? Much less everything the Order did while he was in charge. How do we deal with this?”

“I was a stormtrooper. I would be considered a traitor to the First Order. So would Jannah and the rest of her squad. But you accepted us without hesitation.”

Poe's tone grew harsh. “I watched him cut down an innocent old man and then order the deaths of an entire village on Jakku. How many people did _you_ shoot in cold blood?” 

Finn’s mouth flattened into a hard line. “None. But how many others _are_ there that decided they’d had enough and ran away? Who’d already done things they regretted? Didn’t Hera tell us about someone named Kallus who defected from the Empire?”

Kes had finally cut himself a sliver of pie and was slowly eating it. “Kallus was an Imperial Security Bureau agent, actually. He became a genuine asset to the Rebellion. And there were others who came over from the Empire, but not many.” 

He gestured with his fork at the frozen holo. “Honestly, Ben’s information may be more helpful than you think. Some of the nastiest fighting of the War came _after_ Endor. Several Imperial factions didn’t want to admit defeat, even after we destroyed the second Death Star and the Emperor was finally dead. Remember, the Empire didn’t officially surrender until a year later, after the Battle of Jakku.”

“Whatever’s left of the First Order is almost certainly mustering somewhere.” Poe scrubbed his hands through his hair. “As soon as we get our hands on those coordinates, we’re going to start looking. I don’t want them to disappear back into the Unknown Regions.”

“Smart. The holonet has been buzzing with news of attacks on First Order ships and outposts. It is possible some of their numbers are deserting, even now. And verifying the information Ben has offered is the first logical step.”

Kes took another sip of rum. “I still can’t believe Leia’s gone. And you said she died trying to bring Ben back into the Light as well?”

“According to Maz and Rey, reaching out to Ben was Leia’s very last act. It suggests she forgave him,” Poe said with a hard frown.

“She was his mother, of course she forgave him. That’s what parents _do_ , Poe,” Kes reminded him. “It doesn’t matter how bad the thing is, you remember holding that tiny little baby and swearing by the stars that you will do _anything_ to protect them for the rest of your life. And no matter what happens, no matter how long they’ve been gone, when they come back, you forgive them.”

Poe looked down, “Yeah.” 

Kes thumped the table once, like he was trying to clear the air, then he pointed at his son. “Now, first of all, Leia left you in charge. Which meant she trusted your judgment.” Poe groaned in frustration.

“And, I honestly don’t think you're going to find an _un_ biased opinion among anybody who served with the Rebellion _or_ the Resistance. We all loved Leia and Han. Trying to figure out what to do with their son…. Regardless of what he did, it’s not an easy call.”

“You’re not going to like this, but I think he deserves a chance. There may be a path ahead that none of us have seen yet.”

Poe rolled his eyes. “You’ve spent too long sitting under the shade of that tree outside. You sound like a philosopher.”

Kes leaned forward, voice growing in intensity. “How far would your mother have gone to save you? Had you gotten sucked into the First Order and risen through the ranks? Become a commander? There isn’t anything that your mother or I wouldn’t have risked to try and save you, had you been in his place.”

“Ben chose that path.”

“Did he? Are you _sure_?” Kes’s eyes hardened. “Do you know how many children of well known Rebels the Empire kidnapped in retribution? We were contacted a few years after we settled here. Warned about what was going on. Why do you think we never left? Never took any vacations? It was to protect you. We figured all the way out here you were safe from the baby snatching bucketheads.”

He took a deep breath, and some of the tension dropped away from him. “Now Leia and Han would have had the best protected child of any of the Rebellion leaders. I know there was at least one failed kidnapping. Palpatine was a crafty son of a bitch. Maybe he had to do something else to get to Ben. Force shenanigans were way above my paygrade as a groundpounder, but I heard about things that shouldn’t have been possible. So did your mother. Maybe Ben _didn’t_ have a choice. Because I genuinely cannot _imagine_ Han and Leia raising a son who would have turned like that on his own.”

“Ask Ben _why_ he joined the First Order. See what he has to say about it.”

Poe angrily got to his feet and paced around the small kitchen. “He has to pay in _some_ way - we can’t just let him go, no matter what Rey thinks.”

Kes kept talking in a calm voice, now unaffected by Poe’s growing irritation. “Well then, as I see it, you’ve got three basic options. One, imprison him - which as a Force user, he’d kind of have to agree to. Two, execute him. Or three, accept that he’s really changed and try to give him a chance to make amends somehow.” 

“And frankly, executing Ben as a war criminal seems wrong, when both of his parents died trying to save him.” He poured himself another small portion of rum. 

“People change, Poe. Maybe Ben has, too.”

“I need to take a walk. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Poe stormed out the back door, leaving Finn alone with Kes.

Kes slammed back his liquor and then gently tapped his empty glass on the table. “I think he wanted my permission to execute him.”

Finn shrugged. “I’m not sure. Maybe? Why does he think you’d give that to him?”

“During the War, I was a special forces operative. We called ourselves the Pathfinders. I have killed more people than I can count. When shit looked hopeless, we were called in. Poe was mad as hell that I wouldn’t join the Resistance. But that’s not really who I am anymore. When the War ended, I just wanted a quiet little life with my family. It was perfect for eight beautiful years.” 

“When Poe was growing up, Shara didn’t want to talk about her years as a pilot. She died when he was nine years old. He idolizes her, even now. Believes she’d have joined back up instead of staying here like I did. My best friend, Poe’s Uncle L’ulo, enlisted. L’ulo helped me raise Poe and kept me mostly sane after Shara died. Poe made him a member of Black Squadron. He died serving the Resistance almost two years ago.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. What Poe cannot accept is that I am tired of death. I was tired of death when I turned in my resignation paperwork a couple of months after Endor. Chewbacca saved my life during an incursion into an ISB black site. Chewie and Lando are the only family Ben has left. I walked through hell with Han Solo. I can’t bring him back. But maybe I can help save his son.”

Kes stretched and sighed. “Now, would you like rum, or more pie?”

“Both?” Finn asked hopefully. 

“Excellent!”

A little while later, Poe came in and went straight to the sink, scrubbing his hands. “Feeling better, son?” Kes asked.

“Yes, sir. Thank you.”

Poe reached into the cabinet, and pulled out a short glass, setting it down to his father’s bottle. Kes nodded and poured a small bit into the glass. Finn saw the scraped knuckles on Poe’s right hand as he drank. “Thank you for your honesty. It’s hard to listen to Ren - _Ben_ \- talk. I keep remembering the pain of him digging around inside my mind. The whir of the interrogation droid as it worked on me. And Rey kept looking at him with stars shining in her eyes. It’s just the damnedest thing.”

“I don’t envy your position. But, you’ve got Finn to help, right? He seems like he’s got a good head on his shoulders. Between the two of you, I think you’ll figure it out.”

Finn felt a wide grin spread across his features at Kes’s praise. “Thank you, sir.” 

“Now, should we play a game of poker or sabacc? Or don’t they do that in the service anymore?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Several relaxing hours later, Finn pulled the covers over his shoulder, trying to get comfortable on the cot. He liked Kes. The man had made him feel welcome in his home. Across the room, he could hear Poe’s breathing even out as he started to fall asleep. No matter what came of all of this, Poe had desperately needed to relax. The last few months had been one mission after another, with too many losses, by far. Poe still went to sit by Snap’s bedside every day, and tell him what had happened. Still hoped he’d wake up. Maybe Kes was right. Maybe settling down somewhere quiet would be nice. Though having someone to settle down _with_ would be even nicer.

Tomorrow morning he would get up and go sit under that tree out front and see if the Force had anything to tell him. His meditations today had been all about trying to gain insight into other people. Perhaps tomorrow he would have a chance to focus on himself for a minute.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter summary.  
> I hope this is ready - I would love some feedback. If you see any glaring errors, please let me know.
> 
> I also do not believe the entire First Order went to Exegol. We do not mention another ship once we get there.  
> No editors - all mistakes are solely mine.


	15. Lando's Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lando has come up with a plan, Rey and Ben spend the night in the same place! Finn has a moment to himself....

Once dinner was eaten and cleaned up, Rey kissed Ben on the cheek and said she’d give him some time alone with his uncles. Then she disappeared up the ramp to do some work on the _Falcon,_ R2-D2 following close behind.

There was a bottle of Corellian whiskey sitting on the ground between them. Ben had begged off after one fiery swallow, but Lando and Chewie had been sipping. Today had taken a heavy toll on all of them.

After a lull in the conversation, Ben said, “You asked me about the _Absolution_ today.” The comment fell out of his mouth as soon as it came into his mind. He had no idea why he had brought this up. 

“I did.” Lando looked up at the gas giant overhead, bright with reflected sunlight, distant stars twinkling the edge of the horizon. There was something in the older man’s expression...

Ben pressed, not sure where this was going, but he felt the need to continue. “You don’t want to just track the _Absolution_ , you also need a plan to _take_ it. As bloodlessly as possible.” The Resistance couldn’t possibly attack and risk the lives of those on board. They needed the ship and its precious cargo as unharmed as possible.

“You’re right. That’s exactly what I want. Not only do we need to rescue those kids, but all of the First Order’s records should be right there in those computers. I have to know if my little girl is alive or dead. Are you willing to help me?” Ben could sense Lando’s desperation.

“Of course. I’ll do anything I can to make it right, Uncle. _Anything_.” When he took over, he should have stopped the indoctrination program. Ben had known it was wrong. But it was the way things had always been done in the First Order, from the very beginning.

Lando reached down for the bottle, looking at it thoughtfully. Slowly, he took another sip of whiskey. Finally his eyes focused on Ben. "Does that include becoming Supreme Leader again?”

Ben’s eyes grew wide. There was a moment of pure shock at the outlandish suggestion, and then he pulled his emotions in tight, not wanting to alert Rey just yet.

“Would the remainder of the First Order know you turned?” Lando asked.

He paused as he ran through the possibilities. “I _honestly_ don’t know. I’m not sure they’d have any reason to think so.”

<< _I still think this is a terrible plan. >>_ Chewie interjected.

“It's no worse than any of the other cons we pulled off over the years.” Chewie growled his disagreement.

“When did you come up with this idea?” Ben was almost afraid of the answer.

“This evening while you two were off in the jungle.” Now that he had finally broached the subject, Lando was eager to hear Ben’s opinion. “How likely is it that Kylo Ren would have gotten off the _Steadfast_ before it went down?” 

Ben thought back briefly to dodging through the Resistance fleet in a TIE, firing on the bay of X-wings, hesitating when faced with his mother’s presence on the command bridge. “Pretty likely,” he answered in a grim tone. “You think I should go in alone?”

“I’m still working that part out. You _might_ not have to - Jannah and Finn used to be stormtroopers. And didn’t her entire squad wind up on Kef Bir? Snag a shuttle, dress them appropriately, and they could all go in. You’ll probably need the help.”

Reaching forward, Ben picked up the whiskey and took a drink, feeling the sharp burn all the way down to his toes. He _listened_ to the Force for just a moment, desperately looking for insight. Red lines shining on black metal flashed in front of him. A flutter of black cloth. _Huh._ "My helmet would be really useful. Most of the generals were used to seeing me with it. And considering the lightsaber scar on my face has vanished...”

Lando looked up, clearly wanting to ask what that was about, but let it go. “It’ll help pull off the look. I understand. Where is it?”

“I left it in the TIE that Rey stole on Kef Bir.”

Lando asked, “You mean the one she set on fire?” Ben nodded. “Damn. What _else_ do you need?”

“Black cloak. New outfit.” He looked down at the purple fabric covering his arm. “Kylo Ren only ever wore black.”

"Now shopping I can definitely help with,” Lando said pointing a finger at Ben. “If First Order forces are under attack all over the galaxy, we might be able to get a TIE, a shuttle _and_ stormtrooper armor.”

“What about Rey?” He was definitely afraid of the answer to this question. The thought of her in danger turned his stomach.

Lando shook his head. “Girl’s got a hell of a bounty on her head. I’m not sure.”

“There’s no way she’s going to want me to go back without her. She won’t like sitting on her hands and waiting for me to find a way out of there - you know that.”

<< _We’re asking Ben to go take a Star Destroyer, by himself. This is crazy, Lando, even for you. And this is all presuming we can_ find _the damn ship in the first place._ >> Chewie’s voice was angry.

Lando looked over at Chewie, his jaw tight, and anguish clear in his eyes. “I can’t get _this_ close and not find out the truth. Not after all of these years. I _won’t._ ”

Ben held up his hands, slightly overwhelmed. “Just a minute. I need to speak to Rey.” _I can’t commit to something this big without her._

Standing up, he took a few steps away into the darkness. Closing his eyes, he leaned into the Bond. _Please come outside when you can. There’s something I need to talk to you about._

*~*~*~*~*

“I absolutely hate this plan.” Even had he not been able to read Rey’s emotions so clearly through their Bond, he could see the horror in her eyes. The return of Kylo Ren was literally the stuff of their nightmares. And here he was asking her to simply accept it.

“Can you think of a better one? If you can, I’d really love to hear it.” She huffed slightly in response. “We can’t attack the _Absolution_ without endangering the prisoners. It’s too big to successfully sabotage or capture with only a small group. There are likely to be a few other ships as well. I go in as Kylo Ren and order Engell to surrender or agree to some sort of treaty, she _might_ actually do it. The last time she saw me, I made my feelings on doubt from my officers extremely clear.”

“What exactly did you do?” Rey asked hesitantly.

Ben cocked his head and avoided her eyes. “Smashed General Quinn against the ceiling with the Force until he stopped breathing.” He remembered the rage cascading over him and how satisfied he had been at the dying man’s last gurgling struggles for air. Standing up, he started walking slowly around the outside of the ring of benches, needing to move.

Rey blinked, and shuddered, reminded that this man whom she was so confident in had been in charge of the other side not so long ago.

Lando looked at her, sorrow shining in his eyes. “There are _so_ many children that the First Order has stolen. This would be an opportunity to get some of them back. Take them _home._ ” 

Rey gritted her teeth. He was right. _Damn damn damn **damn.**_

She shook her head and tried to stop the dread creeping down her spine. “I want to come with you.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She felt her nose wrinkle in frustration. He sounded very sure about that.

Taking a deep breath, Rey focused on Ben instead and asked him, “Do you _really_ think you’re ready to go back in?”

Ben was terrified. The Bond rang with it. That he would give in to the darkness again, that he would screw this up somehow and make it all worse, or that he would simply fail. “I can’t leave things as they are.” He shrugged, looking sad. “It doesn’t matter if I’m ready. I can’t abandon thousands of children to be indoctrinated into a life of horrible servitude. The longer we wait, the harder it will be to rescue them.”

“And you expect me to just stay behind?” Ben looked down at the ground, unable to meet her eyes. 

“I honestly don’t know what else you _can_ do.” He paced back and forth restlessly, nervous energy flowing from him in waves. “You don’t know how to be a stormtrooper like Finn does, your face is too well known for you to just go in as a technician. There’s still a bounty out for you.” 

Ben paused and looked at Rey. “Why do you want to go?”

Rey tried to relax as her shoulders crept up towards her ears. “Because you may need me.”

“And if we fail? Get found out? Then the First Order has us both. How does that help?? If I don’t come back it wouldn’t matter, but there is no need to stick your neck out on this, Rey.” He was so frustratingly certain he was unimportant.

“It would matter to me, remember? **_You_** _matter to me_ .” _Why is that so hard for you to believe?_ Rey clenched her fists and took a deep breath. She kept sticking to the same question, hoping for a different response.

“So I’m supposed to just _sit_ here while you go back in alone?”

“If Finn and Jannah will come with me, I’ll _have help_. And with the Bond, neither of us is alone, not anymore.” Rey felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes. She stood up, closed the short distance between them and threw her arms around his waist. His long arms enveloped her.

“It’s not going to be the same as if I were there with you,” her voice slightly muffled by his shoulder.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Ben dropped a brief kiss onto the top of her head and let her go.

Shoving his hair back out of his face, he sighed. “I really wish you hadn't set my TIE on fire.”

“What? Why is that important _now_?” 

“I need my helmet. My saber would also be helpful.”

 _Ah_. “Your helmet wasn’t actually _in_ the ship when I set it on fire. It slid out and hit the back of my ankles as I landed. I threw it out of the ship as soon as I got there.” _I was still so mad at you. At everything._

“Then we’ll be able to find it.” And with that, Ben seemed to still. As if he had accepted where this was all going.

“Maybe? If it didn’t wind up in the water. Or the Caretakers didn’t dispose of it. And if you want your saber, we might be able to find that, too.”

“I don’t _want_ that saber. But it would certainly help the look. Do you really think we can get it back?”

“If we are able to convince Jannah’s friends to go with us, we’ll need to go to Kef Bir anyway. We can try. Both of us working together? It might be possible.” She reached out and clutched at his hand, tugging him back down to sit next to her. This plan terrified her, but perhaps it really was the best option for a peaceful takeover. 

“It’s a shame we didn’t bring the _Lady Luck._ We could leave tonight,” Lando said.

<< _What’s wrong with the_ Falcon _? >> _ Chewie sounded irritated.

“Nothing. Except it is one of the most recognizable ships in the galaxy, and the last thing we need right now is to be noticed.”

_ <<And your fancy yacht isn’t going to be noticed?>> _

Lando gestured to the _Falcon._ “Compared to her? No.” Chewie huffed in response.

Rey rolled her eyes. They needed to hurry, but they also couldn’t leave _tonight._ “Poe and Finn have to be told about this. We can’t just disappear. If the goal of this meeting was to show them that Ben has changed, then they need to know about this idea in advance. And Finn might be glad to help, if it means rescuing kids.”

“I suspect Dameron is not going to like this plan.” Ben muttered.

Lando responded, jaw still clenched. “He doesn’t _have_ to like it. He just has to approve it. That is, if you want to find a place in the Resistance.”

*~*~*~*~*

After spending another hour brainstorming, everyone said their good nights, leaving Rey and Ben standing in the semi-darkness at the edge of the _Falcon_.

“Are you heading inside?” he asked, holding his breath.

“I thought I might stay with you,” she said, feeling suddenly shy. 

He gave her a crooked smile, eyes shining with happiness. “I’d like that very much.”

Rather than sleep outside as Ben did last night, they walked into the Temple hand in hand, choosing a spot towards the back of the first floor. There was a bundle of blankets from the _Falcon_ under one of Rey’s arms, along with her night clothes, and Ben had his bedroll. Working together, they made a pallet in one of the repair bays. Two small lanterns and the dim emergency lights overhead provided just enough light to see by. Past encounters led her to believe they would be all over each other, but the stress of the day had simply been too much. All she wanted to do was sleep, and she knew he felt the same.

Rey set her saber down above where her head would be. Then reaching into her satchel, she pulled out Ben’s saber and held it out towards him. “Chewie asked me to give this back to you.”

He reached out and took it from her, running his thumb over the casing. “Thank you.”

Turning her back to Ben, Rey quickly changed for bed, swapping out her shirt for her thin, short sleeved night tunic, then tugging her crop pants on underneath. Finally she loosened her breast band and worked it free. She peeked back at Ben to see if he was done, and caught the briefest glimpse of grey fabric disappearing as he pulled up his black sleeping trousers. He’d put on a black sleeveless shirt that made his shoulders look impossibly wide.

Rey pulled the blanket back, and sat down, watching Ben. It was funny. Over the last few months, she had rolled over to find him sleeping next to her several times. They had comforted one another after nightmares, encountered each other in all sorts of ways, but there was something intrinsically different about tonight. This would be the first time they deliberately spent the night in the same bed. She had never shared this sort of intimacy with another person before. There had been close quarters at the Resistance base, but this didn’t feel the same at all.

Ben settled down beside her, lying on his side. “So you’re really going to go back to the First Order?” 

“If Uncle Lando thinks it will work, then yes, I’ll go back.” He tried to sound confident, but she could sense his unease.

“What happens if they figure you out?” Rey asked, finally giving voice to the fear that had been chewing at her for the last two hours.

“They won’t.” She shut her eyes briefly, opening them when he grabbed her hand. “It’ll be okay.” 

“I don’t like the thought of you going in without me.”

“We’ve been over this. I don’t think it is a good idea for you to come with me.” There was something else going on, Rey could sense it. Perhaps just his fears?

“Hux frequently complained about my ‘fondness for the girl’, and even though he’s gone, someone could still get the idea to use you against me. The First Order has always been full of power plays.” Ben pressed a small kiss to her knuckles.

“You know I can take care of myself.” Though Rey found it sweet that he worried about her well-being. She would never get used to that.

“I know that. But if I know you’re safe, I can push things a little farther, be more convincing.”

“This is the first time we’ve truly been in the same place in nearly three weeks.” She felt like yelling, but it came out much more like a whine, even to her own ears.

Ben nodded. “I know. And I agree - leaving you is actually my least favorite part of all of this. But if this works, then maybe we can _stay_ in the same place. Perhaps it will make up for at least some of the damage that I caused across the galaxy. And in the process I will have proved myself to your friends. Two targets, one shot.”

Shifting, Rey laid down facing him. “ _I_ know you. I know you’ve really changed. And I don’t give a damn what my friends think.”

“But I do. I can’t tear you away from this family that you have built for yourself in the Resistance. I _won’t_. And Poe is right, I deserve to be put on trial for what I did. We both know that.” He would not make her choose between them - that would be so unfair.

“You were abused and manipulated your entire life, indoctrinated just as surely as any child stolen by the First Order. Palpatine used every dirty trick in the book to separate you from your parents, and then from Luke. And it’s possible they were manipulated as well.”

Ben pressed his lips together in a hard line. “We’re going to agree to disagree. I think I deserve whatever punishment the universe decides for me. And you don’t.”

Rey laid her hand over his heart. “I know what’s in _here_. I’ve seen all of it. No one could possibly judge you more harshly than you have judged yourself.” Sliding a hand up along his cheek, she pulled his face towards her for a gentle kiss. “Now stop beating yourself up, and go to sleep. This idea will still need to be presented to Poe and Finn, and I think that is going to be trying for everyone involved.”

He nodded slightly and settled down. Reaching out, she flipped off both lanterns and watched the darkness descend around them. Ben was warm and comforting as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Good night, Rey.” He whispered into her hair.

“Good night, Ben.” 

*~*~*~*~*

Rey charged through the darkness of the jungle, the humidity causing her clothes to stick to her skin. Behind her she could feel the presence of the Sith Temple. The blue glow of Ben’s lightsaber shone through the underbrush ahead of her. Looking over her shoulder, she could see three red blades cutting their way towards her. Charging forward, she tried to hurry Ben along. Her doppelganger’s laughter carried on the night air. Kylo Ren spoke, his voice so alien modulated through the helmet. “Run all you _want_ , scavenger. We will always be one step behind you. No matter where you go, or what you do. We are a part of you both. _Forever._ ”

Ben felt Rey toss and turn beside him, her feet fighting for purchase among the tangle of blankets. Rather than touch her, he dropped his awareness into their Bond. He could see the nightmare, feel her fear as she fled through the dark night inside her head. _Rey. Wake up._ He placed a gentle hand on her arm. _It’s just a dream._

Rolling towards him, she mumbled something, and then buried her face in his chest. He felt her relax as the nightmare faded from her mind. Rubbing his hands across her back, he closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

*~*~*

Kylo writhed on the floor of Snoke’s throne room, watching his Master cackle through the haze of lightning. Seconds seem to stretch into hours, as he smelled his hair burning, his flesh sizzling. His limbs flailed as he flinched and twitched, finally screaming in agony. He had tried to kill Snoke and failed. Rey’s eyes stared from her corpse lying several feet away, shock and pain still clear in her features. At least Snoke had killed her quickly. He wouldn’t share such mercy with his apprentice.

Ben moaned and then cried out, startling Rey awake. Reaching out, she wrapped her hand around his tense bicep and shook. “Ben.” He was still caught in the teeth of his nightmare. “Please wake up. Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real. Ben. _Ben!_ ” 

Rey’s voice finally cut through the crackle of lightning. He blinked once and then sat up with a sudden gasp. All of his muscles felt tightly strung. “Do you want to talk about it?” her voice gentle.

He buried his face in his hands and scrubbed for a moment, trying to drive away the images. The _smell._ “Snoke’s throne room.” Ben took a shuddering breath and dropped his hands. “I failed. You died when he snapped your neck. He was killing me slowly with Force lightning. It was always one of his favorite punishments.” Despite knowing _where_ Snoke came from, the memories of the trauma suffered at those gnarled hands still lived and breathed inside his mind.

Sitting up, she rubbed circles on his back. “I’m not dead. Neither are you. Snoke is. He can’t hurt you anymore. You beat him.” Lying back, she pulled at his arm.

Ben laid down beside her and cradled her in his arms. Burying his nose in her hair, he took a deep breath. “I’ll be glad when the nightmares stop.”

“I know. Me too.” 

They found comfort in each other’s presence as they slowly drifted back to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*

Finn awoke early the next morning. Poe was still snoring, face boyishly handsome in sleep, untouched by all the weight of the past few years. Dressing quickly, he picked up his shoes and crept silently from the room. The house was still quiet. After using the ‘fresher, he headed outside, hoping to meditate beneath the uneti tree. Birds sang happily, and the morning air was crisp. He walked out into the clearing and settled down on the small bench beside the tree.

The Force presence of the tree was surprisingly powerful for a plant. An odd sensation of young and old somehow coupled together at the same time. He could sense the cycle of oxygen exchange, almost like a pulse. Taking a few deep breaths, he sank slowly into meditation. Sound dropped away, the stillness shocking in the morning light. Finn felt very peaceful. The tree seemed so much larger somehow, he could sense the roots digging deep into the soil, the branches soaring overhead. All connected together like a big circle. His awareness expanded further and further out.

Then everything seemed to dissolve. Suddenly his vision was obscured, his peripheral vision all but gone. His breath was shockingly loud. Something covered his head. Blinking once, he realized - he was in armor. _Stormtrooper armor._ Looking down, his hands were encased in white and black armored gloves. _What the hell?_ He was on a Star Destroyer again. He could hear other feet marching, his small squad all around him. He’d never wanted this life. Never wanted to kill anyone. He was afraid. Afraid someone would realize he’d do anything for a way out of the First Order. 

“PZ-2984!” His head snapped to follow the commanding voice and everything shifted.

Kylo Ren walked ahead of him. No one else stalked like that. Long black cape fluttering around his ankles. Beside him was a smaller figure, dressed in black. A woman - when she threw back her head and laughed, he recognized her as Rey. He followed them out onto a platform, and then, along with several other troopers, stepped back against the wall of the balcony. Was he part of an escort platoon? Beneath them were assembled battalions. And _children._

The scene and the noise faded, as the uneti tree and its surroundings filled his senses once again. He could feel the birds overheard, the bugs crawling in the dirt. All the life that crept and flew and skittered through the clearing around the tree. On the very edge of his awareness, he could sense Poe coming out of the house. Sense his emotions. Poe clearly felt refreshed from a night spent in the company of his father, despite the disagreement. He admired Finn’s face in the morning light. As he walked forward, Finn felt a strong surge of Poe’s affection. Something definitely _more_ than friendly. 

_Wait… what?!_ His sheer surprise knocked him out of meditation. The noises of the morning birds filled his ears suddenly again, as if someone had turned the sound back on. All he could do was stare as Poe called out that breakfast was ready. Finn nodded and made a short grunt of acknowledgement.

Poe moved closer. “You okay, buddy?”

Finn blinked rapidly. He was still able to see the walls of the Star Destroyer and the pulse of the tree, all wrapping around Poe somehow. “Yeah. Sorry. Just, um - a weird vision I guess you could say.” He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. Sensory overload. Too much oddness too early in the day.

“You sure?” Poe leaned forward, putting his hand on Finn’s shoulder. Concern was clear on his face.

Nodding vigorously, Finn stood up a little too fast, and was surprised when he didn’t wobble. 

“Maybe you just need some caf. And Dad makes the best quinberry bread you’ve ever had. It was my mom’s favorite.” Finn followed him back towards the house, still confused as hell. What was that last flash of emotion from Poe? Was that real?

Stopping at the front door, Finn took one look back at the uneti tree. He understood now why someone would be so desperate to rescue a cutting. It was powerful, and a precious, precious thing. Perhaps with some time, he would understand whatever the vision had been trying to show him. Why Rey had been dressed in black standing next to Kylo Ren on a Star Destroyer…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all! I am so very, very anxious to see your response to this chapter.  
> I hope you like it, 'cause here we go. 
> 
> Your responses make me smile like you would not believe. I am so grateful for everyone who is still reading and leaving comments.
> 
> I am sorry for the delay in the posting of this chapter - I am teaching five classes this semester, and it is knd of challenging to do anything else besides that and taking care of my children....
> 
> Love and best wishes to everyone who is dealing with the fires on the West Coast, or the aftermath of Hurricane Laura.  
> Stay safe.  
> (and if you're in the US, for the love of God, please vote!!!)


	16. Morning Exercises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben awaken in the same bed, Poe and Finn return to the Temple, Ben works out some frustrations

Rey was the first to awaken, feeling Ben cuddled close against her, his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. His right thumb was tucked in between her breasts, his long fingers curved around her rib cage. She felt shockingly well rested considering she’d spent the night on a cold stone floor. _Probably the company_ , she thought with a smile. This was the first time they had shared a bed in the flesh - not as a projection through the Force.

The air in the Temple had cooled considerably overnight, and Ben was delightfully warm. His body was clearly aware of her presence beside him, even if he was still sound asleep - she could feel his half hard erection through their clothes.

Last night they had both been too tired from the stress of the day to do anything more than collapse in a heap. And then there had been the nightmares. But this morning, the desire for him that slept so soundly all through yesterday quickly roared to life. Rey took a moment to contemplate her course of action. Roll away and pretend she didn't notice or wake him up with encouragement. Such an easy decision, really. She had denied what she wanted for far too long, and who knew when they would have this chance again.

Giving into her instincts, Rey gave a deliberate slow grinding thrust back into the cradle of his hips. She smiled as parts of Ben’s body reacted to her attention. Closing her eyes, she sank into the Bond, and realized he was in the middle of a rather vivid dream. One where she was naked and writhing enthusiastically under the attention of his lips and hands. What would it feel like to really _do_ those things? To have him touch her like that? They were actually together. They were _alone._

Taking a breath and finding her courage, she rolled her hips again, and Ben responded with a low moan. He pushed forward against her this time. Reaching back, Rey wrapped her hand around the long line of his hip. She then slipped her thumb between them and caressed the inside edge of his hip bone through his pants. His hips gave a stuttering thrust as his arm loosened from around her waist. She gently rolled over and slid her hand up his chest, easing back into the warm curve of his body, roughly aligning her groin with his. Her breath caught in her throat at the contact. _Why had they not done this earlier?_ Leaning up, she gently kissed the bottom corner of his jaw. As she pressed her lips against his skin again, she felt him wake up, tensing as he realized their position and the state of his body.

“Is this okay?” Rey asked as she stilled, suddenly afraid she’d gone too far.

“Are you kidding? I should be the one asking you that,” Ben said with a sly half grin. She felt him relax as he tilted his head back to give her better access to his throat, his hands clutching at the thin fabric of her tunic. He could feel the curl of her lips against his skin as they curved into a smile. 

The Bond between them flared to life, reinforced by their close physical contact. He couldn’t shut Rey out at this point even if he tried. Ben sensed the lust rolling through her _very_ clearly. He knew she could feel how badly he wanted her. Once upon a time he would have been mortified by having every emotion, every desire and _need_ so utterly exposed, but with her it felt completely natural.

Rey slid her knee up and out so he could slot his hips better between her thighs. She wrapped her left hand around the top of his collarbone and slowly pulled herself up his body, licking a path to his ear where she nibbled briefly on his earlobe. Ben hummed at the sensation. The salt of his skin was intoxicating. She pushed at his chest, and he rolled on to his back. Hanging on to his shoulders, she wound up sitting on top of him, her knees on either side of his hips. His warm hands landed on her upper thighs.

In the dim light of the Temple, Ben's eyes looked pitch black, widely staring up at her face. Suddenly he remembered. “We _were_ supposed to talk about this at some point.”

Rey shrugged one shoulder. “We’ll have that conversation eventually. Do you want to stop?” When he didn't answer, she slowly wiggled her hips back and forth. “Well?” 

Ben shuddered at the delicious friction. “Please, no.”

“Good. Because I have had more than enough of talking.” Rey ground down with her hips, making them both gasp. Leaning forward, she captured his lips in a searing kiss. His hands slid up her sides, dragging the edge of her tunic with them, fingertips gliding against bare skin so delightfully soft and warm. His lips opened under hers, deepening the kiss. Ben's hips rocked up into hers, hitting in just the right spot.

Slowly Ben slid his hand around her rib cage, pausing as his thumb caressed the delicate curve of her naked breast, giving her a moment to protest should she want him to stop. When Rey said nothing, and only kissed him more enthusiastically, he opened his hand wide, and brushed her nipple with his thumb. She gasped and twitched. Then moaned into his mouth when he did it again. 

_To_ **_hell_ ** _with it._ Ben's voice echoed through her head. He pushed up and rolled them over, pressing Rey into the blankets that had protected them from the cold stone floor all night. He wanted her badly, had wanted her for _months_. Wanted her in a way he had never thought possible, if he was truly honest about it. She had invaded his dreams, distracted him day and night and now she was right here in front of him, her desire for him streaming through the Bond.

Ben pushed himself up onto his knees and fought the urge to simply tear her night tunic down the middle so he could see her. Instead, he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside, desperate for the sensation of his skin sliding against hers. Rey grabbed the hem of her tunic and arched her back to get it up and off as well. His eyes dropped to take her in. “You are so lovely.” 

Her hands reached up for him, lust shining in her eyes. “I could say the same. Now get back down here.” 

Ben allowed his weight to fall back onto his hands as he kissed her again, glorying in the warmth of her naked skin pressed against his own. Rey’s hands roamed across his back and into his hair as her thighs opened, pulling him farther into the cradle of her hips. His hand snaked between them, to find her nipple pebbled under his palm. He fluttered his thumb over it, feeling her pleasure radiate through the link. She arched into the sensation, grinding her hips upwards in response.

Stretching his hand wide, Ben slid it down her abdomen to her waistband, tantalized by the strength of the muscles twisting and shifting under her soft skin. An odd noise made him freeze. A human voice? _Lando._ Almost immediately afterwards, it was followed by a loud Wookiee roar echoing off the cool stone. Ben could not quite make out what was said, but he remembered that tone from his childhood. _Show yourself now, or I am going to come looking._

“Does that mean what I think it means?” Rey asked, sounding absolutely breathless.

Ben nodded, pressing his forehead into the pale curve of her bare shoulder. “It does. _Damnit._ ” Rey was underneath him and topless and _desired_ him. All he wanted to do was pick her up, run away into the darkness, and hide from the rest of the galaxy for the next year.

She groaned in frustration. “I wonder what time it is.”

“I have no idea. But I’d guess we slept in.” Ben pushed himself up onto his hands and looked down at Rey, wearing nothing but a pair of crop pants. Her hair fell in loose waves across her shoulders, and lips were swollen from kissing. “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And if I wasn’t absolutely certain we would be interrupted, I would strip you naked and kiss every single inch of you, until you begged me to stop.”

Rey’s cheeks flushed as she gazed up at him. She sighed. “This is terribly unfair.”

Reaching out, Ben grabbed his shirt and yanked it down over his head. “I agree completely. I’m sorry.” He pushed his hair out of his face.

 _You silly man,_ she gently admonished through the link. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

Ben looked at her one last time, trying to memorize every curve and shadow of her beauty. Leaning down, he kissed her quickly, cupping her cheek with his hand, and then turned away to change his pants before he gave in to his urges. The soft knit of his sleeping trousers would hide _nothing_. “Go ahead and get dressed for the day. I will deal with them.”

He twitched and adjusted himself, hoping it wasn’t _too_ obvious what they’d been doing. _Yeah, right._ Muttering curses under his breath, Ben pulled on his boots and walked awkwardly out of the bay to find Lando and Chewie so Rey could get dressed in private.

Sitting up, Rey groaned in frustration as she pulled her breast band on, tightening the strings and arranging herself under the fabric. Why hadn’t they just _called_ her? Opening her satchel, she dug out her comlink and pressed the button. Absolutely nothing happened. Dead battery. _Damn._ What time was it, anyway? They had gone so far into the Temple, the only light she could see was artificial.

She quickly changed back into her new outfit, long khaki pants and a deep olive green tunic. Finger combing her hair, she gathered the top back and tied it off. After rolling up her blankets, she packed up Ben’s bedroll and bag as well. Tossing the small lanterns and her sleeping clothes into her satchel, she grabbed up everything and headed towards the front of the Temple.

Ben was walking back towards her, long legs quickly covering the distance. Seeing how full her arms were, he jogged forward, taking his bedroll and her blankets. “Thank you,” she said. “Is everything okay?” _Why the hell were we interrupted?_ she thought.

“Dameron called. They are on their way back. Uncle Chewie was worried when you didn’t answer.” Her friends were managing to come between them and they weren’t even _here._

“Ah.” Frustration rolled off of Ben in waves. The upcoming conversation would be difficult even in the best of circumstances, but starting out this irritated would only lead to bad things. _Hmmm._ As both of his arms were now occupied, Rey wrapped one hand around the back of his neck and pulled him down for a quick kiss. “You look like you need to burn off a little energy. If we can’t continue our earlier activities, how about a sparring match instead?”

“Sparring? Crossing sabers when we’re not actually trying to kill each other? Sounds like fun.”

She gave him a slightly feral grin. “Doesn’t it though?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As soon as they were in sight of the Temple, Poe could see the sparks of lightsabers striking one another in the plaza. His heart rate increased, and he pulled his blaster free of its holster and checked it, unsure of what was taking place below. Bits of the past flashed before his eyes. Standing on Jakku, firing on Ren, the shock of him casually freezing the vibrating bolt of energy in mid air. He shook his head as the rest of that horrible mess started to play out inside his mind.

“You okay, son?” Kes’s worried voice cut through his thoughts.

Poe nodded, grinding his teeth. If Rey had her way, this man would be a part of their lives from now on, for good or for ill. He had to try and figure out how to deal with him.

“Yes, sir.” He slid his blaster into place and took a deep breath, trying to settle himself. “Any ideas, Finn?”

“Give me a minute.”

Finn opened himself up to the Force, and tried to read the situation. Rey and Ben were bright spots, moving smoothly across the stone. There was no sign of animosity. Both of them were gleeful, though there was far more lust wrapped up in their signatures than he really wanted to see. He made a noise of discomfort, and pulled away. “That’s definitely not a fight.” _More like foreplay_ , he thought to himself.

Poe nodded his head again, and sighed in relief.

Still focused, Finn examined Poe to see how he was reacting to the duel. Irritation. Trepidation. There was little sign of whatever he had seen earlier. Maybe he’d been wrong? He was still so new at all of this, maybe he’d misinterpreted the emotion. Surely that must be it. Kes smoothly landed the airspeeder next to the _Falcon._

Finn climbed to the ground and watched the sparring. They were well matched, but still a study in contrasts. Rey was graceful, quick, and dexterous. Ben was more like a stalking predatory animal, powerful and dangerous. Though Finn noticed his strikes looked different than they had before - somehow...

Ben pressed forward with his attack, his swings driving Rey steadily backwards towards the Temple. Rey countered every single one, even though she was giving ground. “Oh, come on, I know you can do better than that,” she teased. This was the first time they had crossed blades when they weren’t trying to actively kill each other. His forms were decidedly different with the legacy blade. Cleaner, more elegant. Far more like the things she had learned with Leia.

“Witch,” he responded with absolutely no heat in his tone.

Rey shrugged, made a feint at Ben and then dodged around him. She gave a sweeping kick at his lower leg as she went by, running straight for the tree line. He let out a hiccupy noise of surprise and hit the ground. Rolling smoothly back to his feet, he took off after her, a grin shining on his face. 

Laughing, she raced into the jungle as Ben gave chase. This was their second time heading into the trees. 

Kes approached Chewbacca, who was perched on a crate next to the open gangplank of the _Falcon_. “How long have they been at it?”

Chewie replied << _About a half hour. It’s been kind of fun to watch, actually. >> _

Once well within the trees, Rey stopped and hid behind a large trunk. She could feel Ben slowly stalking towards her. Suddenly, she felt herself lift slightly off the ground captured by a gentle Force grip. She was captured across her waist and hips, leaving her limbs completely free. Rolling her eyes she deactivated her saber. “That’s cheating!” she called out. She pointed her toes and fluttered her feet seeking some sort of purchase. The tip of one boot just scraped the earth.

Walking slowly across the tree, and looming deliberately over her Ben asked, “And? Do you yield?” There was a hint of amusement on his face. He was enjoying teasing her. This was so much different than any other duel they’d had. Even if he had always watched her with a certain amount of interest, she realized, from the very beginning. But there was mirth here now. She’d never had this much fun while training.

This beautiful man standing before her took her breath away. Why did Ben have to look so delicious in black? He was dressed simply enough in wrinkled trousers and the rumpled black sleeveless shirt he’d slept in, with his hair a curly mess, and the sight of him still affected her so badly.

His body was amazing. Wide shoulders, broad chest, full lips, strong arms, long legs, deep amber eyes she could look into forever. And Rey loved the way he looked at her. A few people had leered at her over the years, clearly wanting her physically, but no one other than Ben had ever gazed at her as if she was genuinely precious. She sensed the intense desire coming off of him in waves, but he did not just want her body… he wanted her heart, her soul. He believed that she was worth sacrificing his life for. The desire for him that burned so hotly inside the Temple came roaring back. She would climb him if he let her go.

“What happens if I do not?” she said cheekily, the Force practically singing around them.

Turning off his saber, Ben looked Rey up and down. Sweat was beaded across her forehead, wild strands of hair stuck to her flushed cheeks. Her chin was lifted proudly, delight and challenge shining in her bright eyes. She was breathing heavily, slightly winded from their wide ranging sparring session. 

Emotions swept over him unbidden. She was now a far cry from the scared girl he had captured in the forest on Takodana. Rey had become an incredibly brave, proud, and beautiful woman. He thanked the stars again that they were both here and alive, and by some miracle, she actually wanted him. And somehow, after everything, she _trusted_ him. With her friends, with her body, with her whole self.

He leaned forward, raising her up further with the Force so her face would be level with his own. Rey dropped her saber and reached for him, burying her fingers in his hair, dragging his lips to her own. She pulled her knees up to press against his hip bones, trying to wrap herself around him. He released his lightsaber and curled his hands under her thighs, relaxing the Force grip to pin her back against the tree with his own body. Oh, how he wanted her. Wanted to spend hours exploring every inch of her. After a few heady moments, he realized his hips were moving of their own accord, slowly grinding into her, pressing his erection against her center. She was making a happy humming noise in the back of her throat. With great effort, he stopped. 

_As much as I want you, I won’t do this here,_ Ben whispered into the Bond. _I will not be interrupted again. I might do something… rash._ Rey made a small whine in the back of her throat, and dropped her head back to rest against the tree. 

“You’re right, dammit,” she admitted. “We can’t stay. They came back so we could return to the base. And we need to talk to them before that happens.” He pulled back from the Bond, trying to block out the tantalizing sensation of her desire.

Letting Rey slowly drop to the ground, Ben stepped back and tried to focus on the conversation ahead, rather than the delicious temptation of what he wanted to do with Rey. _Soon, hopefully._ Although if everything went according to Lando’s plan, he’d be parted from her again in a few days. For who knows how long. _Damn. I don’t want to leave her side. Ever again. But the thought of her in danger... I can’t lose her again. I won’t. I wouldn’t come back from that._

Even though she couldn’t hear his thoughts any longer, Rey felt his mood shift. “Are you okay?”

Ben nodded. “Yeah. Thank you.” Rey narrowed her eyes suspiciously, but let it go. Leaning down, he grabbed their sabers off the ground. He held his mother’s saber out to Rey. As she reached out, he grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it before sliding the hilt against her palm. She smiled brightly up at him. Clasping hands, they slowly walked back towards the plaza. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter...
> 
> Stay well, everyone. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think - genuinely, feedback and comments delight me!


	17. Presenting the Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Finn hear Lando’s plan for Ben; leaving Yavin IV.

Rey noticed how clammy Ben’s hand felt in hers as they approached the small group standing in the shadow of the _Falcon._ Lando’s booming voice rang over the stones, ‘C’mon, you two. Thought we were going to have to send out a search party.”

Poe cleared his throat and introduced his father to Rey and Ben. Kes smiled widely. “Nice to meet you both.”

“Likewise, sir,” Ben said with a nod. Rey glanced at Poe, who looked almost well rested for the first time in months.

“Do we want to have this conversation here or head inside?” Lando asked, gesturing towards the Temple.

“How long do you expect this to take?” Finn could sense nervousness rolling off of each of them, even Lando. Odd.

“We have a few other things to cover. Might be a little easier in the cool shade.” Lando replied cryptically.

Poe shrugged. “I guess we could talk inside.”

Kes nodded. “I’ll need to go in and shut everything down again anyway.”

As they were walking, Kes slid in next to Lando and said quietly, “I can’t believe how much of both of them I see in Ben. Han’s height and features, Leia’s bearing and coloring.” Chewie growled his agreement. 

Lando leaned closer. “I never believed I would live to see him again, honestly. Thought the boy was lost to us.” Chewie made a soft, mournful sound. “It broke Leia’s heart. Han couldn’t take it.” He shook his head, saddened by all the years lost to grief.

The door made another groaning noise once Poe punched in the code. Walking inside, followed by the droids, the group settled back on the benches that Chewie had brought back inside early that morning.

Poe patted BB-8 lightly on the head. “This one too, buddy.” The droid rolled back into position and started recording. 

“Okay, I guess I can go first.” Looking squarely at Ben, Poe said, “You have permission to come back to the base on Ajan Kloss on a trial basis. But, as I said yesterday, you cannot have any contact whatsoever with the First Order. No access to communications of any kind. You have to be able to fit in, live in the jungle, in fairly primitive conditions. Any problems, you’re gone. Any hint that you are feeding information to the enemy, and I will shoot you myself. Am I clear?”

Lando squeezed his eyes shut with a grimace. He’d forgotten that little tidbit.

Ben nodded, willing to do whatever was necessary to be close to Rey. “Perfectly.”

Rey watched as Poe visibly relaxed with Ben’s quick compliance. “So, what else do we need to cover exactly. Logistics? Is there a problem with the X-wing? What?”

The silence stretched into uneasiness. Lando spoke after a few moments. “We came up with a plan to deal with the _Absolution._ ”

Poe’s face lit up with a wide grin. “Well, that’s great! What is it?”

Lando, Ben, and Rey all looked at one another, almost daring each other to go first. This plan had seemed great last night, under the influence of a bit of whiskey, but in the clear light of day… 

Finally Rey said, “It involves Ben going back to the First Order as Kylo Ren.”

The grin quickly faded as Poe’s face grew pale. He looked from Rey to Lando to Ben with fear building in his eyes. “You cannot _possibly_ be serious. Whose idea _was_ this?”

Rey could feel anger quickly swelling within Poe.

“Mine,” Lando declared defiantly.

<< _And I still don’t like it,_ >> grumbled Chewie. Lando rolled his eyes.

Finn was blinking furiously, clearly struggling with where to start. Pointing at Ben, he finally spluttered, "You want us to send him back to the First Order with all of the information he now has about us?!"

“Ben will not betray us. You _know_ that. Right?” Rey asked.

Out of the corner of his eye, Finn saw Poe’s head whip around, and felt his eyes boring into him. He wasn’t ready to admit anything, certainly not under the current circumstances. 

Poe ran both of his hands through his hair as he shot to his feet. “No. No! There's just no way!” He started pacing, his outrage seeking an outlet.

“Exactly how else do you think you can rescue those children?” Ben asked in the most neutral tone he could manage. 

“I can think of at least five really good reasons this is a terrible idea.” Poe’s tone was harsh. “And holding the lives of children hostage is horrible.”

Lando held up his hands. “I am an old gambler, and I like these odds. If we trust him, and this plan works, think of all of the kids we could rescue, all of the _information_ we could gain. The bigger the bet, the bigger the payoff.”

Poe stopped and wheeled on Ben. “How _can_ we trust you? How do we know these rally points are even real? Finn's never even heard of them.”

Ben replied, “He was neither an officer nor a pilot. Why would he _need_ that information as a stormtrooper?”

“Say you go back. What's the end game here? How do you get out again?" Poe asked angrily. "Currently the galaxy thinks you're dead. This is going to change that.”

Ben shook his head, “Honestly, not my favorite aspect of this.”

"But unless you root out the First Order completely, _especially_ the stormtrooper training program, the loyalists and the old guard will go to ground and this will be a problem for your children in twenty or thirty years.” His tone slowly grew harsher. “How long did the Old Republic stand? What about the New? The Rebellion missed some Imperials, and the entire galaxy has paid for it in blood.”

Poe glared, anger building by the moment. “How long do you plan to stay with the First Order? Months? Years?!”

“Only as long as it takes to get the _Absolution._ No longer. I don’t _want_ to go back, Dameron.” _Don’t you understand that?_

“And you’re just going to show up? Where the hell have you been?” Poe was almost yelling now.

“Capturing me.” Rey interjected.

Ben said quickly, “No.” 

At the same time, Poe exclaimed, “Are you nuts?!” while Finn asked, “How is that a good idea?”

They all paused and looked at one another with surprise.

“Oh, look, you three finally agree on something,” Rey said sarcastically.

Lando hummed thoughtfully, “Actually, that’s not a bad idea.” 

Ben glared at Rey, irritated that she’d brought it up again. _I thought we covered this last night?_ rang through the Bond. His face had grown still, and his eyes were very large. He was rapidly stuffing his riotous emotions down, down, down.

Poe blinked, as his dark eyebrows shot towards his hairline. “You want us to just _give_ you the very thing you said you wanted? Rey _and_ the throne of the First Order?! How stupid do you think we are?”

Kes asked, “I hate to say it, son, but how else can the Resistance get onboard a Star Destroyer without firing a shot?? Much less have a hope in hell of taking it? A direct attack is far too risky. The goal is to rescue these children, isn’t it?” Poe remembered the child he saw taken on Kijimi, the terror in her face, her screams as she was ripped from her mother’s arms. He gave an inward curse.

“Yes, but…”

Kes cut him off. “I always felt guilty because we fled. You were the reason we came all the way out here, Poe. I knew other rebels had lost their children. Why do you think you grew up on the Outer Rim?”

Poe looked at his father with anger and sorrow shining in his eyes, his mouth a grim line. Motioning to Finn, the two men stepped aside and had a brief and very animated conversation. 

Returning to the small circle, Poe asked, “All of this is predicated on finding the rally points and then picking the right one. Not a small feat.”

Ben replied, “Someone would need to know what they were looking for in the navicomputer of any First Order vessel capable of interstellar travel. That’s it. I know the last system the _Absolution_ reported from - they should go to the nearest point.”

Finn asked, “Why would it take _you_ so long to get to the rally point? It’s been over two weeks since Exegol.”

<< _The hyperdrive took damage, so he had to rely on the backup. >> _ Finn glared at Chewie for trying to help. 

Poe huffed, "Where would we even get a First Order ship for him to take?

“Easy - there have been attacks on Star Destroyers all over the galaxy.” Lando shrugged nonchalantly. “We salvage one.”

“There is one other thing,” Rey started. Poe glared, his jaw clenched tight. “It would be helpful if there were inside help among the stormtroopers.” Rey looked at Finn.

“No. No, no, _no!_ ” Naked fear crawled across Poe’s features. “He’s not going back. Not again. This is a terrible kriffing plan!”

Finn paused for a moment and then raised an eyebrow. “I’d be able to figure out who wanted to defect. Jannah took her whole squad. We can’t have been isolated instances. The brainscrapes must exist for a reason - it means there are more people in there who resisted their training and want out.”

Poe’s face fell. “I can’t believe what I'm hearing. You actually want to _help_ them with this?!”

“If it means that this is over, then _yes_. I’ve gone into a Star Destroyer with a lot less planning and survived to tell the tale. So have you. They’ve got kids, Poe. Thousands of kids. We can’t leave them there. Do you still have that captain’s medallion? It would help.” Rey sensed Finn’s sorrow and resolve. He was really thinking about going with Ben.

Waving his hands, Poe turned and muttered. “Give - just give me a minute.” He quickly walked off into the shadows alone. He could hear his father’s advice echoing in his head from this morning. _“I know you’ve been a leader for a long time, Poe, and ordered people out who didn’t come back. But this is different. Now, you’re going to have to sit on the sidelines a lot more often. No more charging in at the head of a line of X-wings. No more crazy missions. Can you do that?”_

Poe sighed and scrubbed both hands through his hair. _Damnit, Leia. Did you really think I could do this?_ The thought of sending Finn back into the First Order made breakfast churn wildly in his stomach. He remembered standing between Chewie and Finn on the deck of a Star Destoyer, waiting to die, cracking stupid jokes so he wouldn’t start screaming. The last time they had gotten out through sheer luck. There was no guarantee of any such intervention this time. _Could_ he do this?? Could he send Rey and Finn in to try and gut the First Order from within? Could he take Leia’s son at his word?

As Poe agonized, Finn looked at Lando, “Do you think Jannah would agree to go back in to try and get others out?”

Lando nodded. “She and I talked about trying to reunite kids with their parents - this is a pretty natural extension of that thought. I think there’s still a few of her people on Kef Bir who might be willing to throw in on this.”

Kes offered up, “I saw on the ‘net that there was an attack on the garrison at Endor - the Destroyer was taken pretty cleanly. If you are headed to Kef Bir, you could check it out.”

Inside the Bond, Rey whispered, _You’re the one that said we were unstoppable together. Let me_ help _you. If things go wrong, we can handle it._

Ben replied, _We talked about this last night. I thought we agreed you weren't going._

 _No,_ **_you_** _said I wasn’t going. I didn't agree to anything._ His irritation flashed back through the link.

 _I hate the idea of you in First Order custody. I don’t know if I would be able to protect you. They’d want to interrogate you, to take you apart, Rey, literally. I don’t know how I’d explain_ **_not_** _using an interrogation droid on you._

_Simple - you turn me._

Ben exclaimed out loud, “What?!” Every eye turned to look at them in surprise. Chewie shook his head and grumbled something about Force users. 

She wrinkled her nose up at Ben and met his eyes again. _It would solidify your position with whoever you found in charge. Give me access. Make me your Empress._ She drew the last word out ever so slightly.

Rey felt something akin to panic start crawling up the back of Ben’s neck. It was, in fact, everything he’d wanted, all wrapped up in a tidy package. What if he fell? What if he gave in to the dark side again?

She shifted to sit closer to Ben and wrapped her hand around his. _You can do this. I believe in you._

 _This is really what you want?_ His disbelief echoed clearly through the Bond.

_I want this war to end. I want to live in peace. I think this is an excellent step towards making that happen. So, yes. And, you cannot ask me to stay here while you put yourself in this much danger. You wouldn’t stay if our positions were reversed and you know it._

Ben gave a small nod, his teeth audibly grinding together in irritation. _I don’t like it, but unless we maroon you somewhere, I know you will follow me._

_Damn right I will._

Poe walked back into the small circle, his countenance unreadable. “I need a moment with Ben.” He then caught Finn’s eye and double tapped his temple with his index finger. _Please,_ Poe asked silently, hoping Finn could read his lips.

Together they stepped back out of earshot of the circle. Finn closed his eyes and opened himself up to the Force, monitoring the conversation between the two men for any “Jedi mind bending funny business” as Poe referred to it.

Poe crossed his arms and lifted his chin defiantly. “Convince me.”

Ben wryly chuckled once and asked, “So we’re back to where we started yesterday morning?”

“No, because I am not immediately dismissing this out of hand. _Why_ do you want to do this?”

“Because Project Resurrection was exploitative and evil from the very beginning. I didn’t deal with that as Supreme Leader. If I can put a stop to it now, I want to.”

Poe paused, chewing on his lip. “You do realize that if you rescue the captured kids and let the Resistance deliver them safely home, it will secure the loyalty of those systems for our side more thoroughly than _anything_ else I could ever do.”

Ben nodded, impressed. “Yes, it would.” Mercenary though it was, that was also something his mother certainly would have considered.

“What about Rey? Why _don’t_ you want to take her with you?”

“There is nothing I wouldn’t do to protect her, don’t you understand that?” Ben struggled to keep his tone neutral when he really felt like yelling at the shorter man. “I don’t like the idea of her anywhere _near_ a First Order ship. She is the only reason I am still here. She is the _only thing_ that makes my life worth living.”

“But if we don’t stop the First Order right now, and take it apart completely, in ten or twenty years, Rey will be part of the first line of defense when it returns. Just like my mother was. I don’t want that for her. I want her to have a _life_ , not a cause. I will do my absolute damndest to put the First Order down here and now. For good.”

Poe pondered that for a moment and then looked back at Finn, eyes closed, a serene expression on his face. “If he goes with you, can you guarantee his safety?”

Ben followed Poe’s gaze, realizing the other man was wholly unaware of how much his expression gave away. _Ah, that explains quite a bit._ "No, I wish I could. No more than I can guarantee my own or Rey’s. But if you allow him to accompany us, I can promise you I will do everything in my power to ensure that he returns to you. The same goes for any other of your people who go. I will do my best to keep them as safe as possible.”

Considering Poe’s first words to him, he added, “Finn is not wrong - there is some dissension to be exploited amongst the stormtroopers. Having an entire squad adding pressure might be a little risky, but also could be extremely beneficial.”

“What about Rey - why wouldn’t the Supreme Leader simply execute his captured Jedi enemy?” Poe was so suspicious. And why wouldn't he be?

Was Rey right, was this the route they should go? Perhaps. Could he actually stop her from following him back to the First Order? Could _they_? Not unless she was physically locked up. _By the stars. Fine._ Ben took a calming breath. Panic wouldn't help. He had to trust Poe enough to tell him the truth about Rey’s suggestion. His mother thought enough of him to leave him in charge of her precious Resistance. That carried a great deal of weight.

“Because after a few days, Kylo Ren will convince her to join the First Order’s cause.”

Poe froze for a brief moment and then blinked, eyes very wide. “Oh, sod it _all._ Seriously? That’s the plan?” Ben nodded. “So it is actually _exactly_ what you said you wanted.”

Ben knew this looked bad. “Rey _wants_ to go with me. She wanted it from the beginning. How exactly do you suggest I stop her? Abandon her somewhere with no ship? Have _you_ found a way to change her mind when she is absolutely determined to do something?”

Thinking of the numerous times he had clashed with Rey or simply cursed as she did whatever the hell she wanted after he had asked her not to… “Good point.”

"I don't like it." Poe had made that abundantly clear.

“Well I don't really like it either, but I do think it will work."

"And they'll just accept you back? Without asking any questions?"

"Yes. It is highly unlikely anyone else has stepped forward and claimed power yet. Kylo Ren is still the Supreme Leader. And those who doubt will be dealt with accordingly."

Rey suddenly appeared beside them. She was done with waiting. Poking Poe in the shoulder, she said, “This is a good plan, and you know it. This is the _only_ plan that allows us to rescue those children safely.” 

Looking at both of them, she added, “I am fully capable of knowing what I do or do not want to do. I know this is dangerous, but if either of you expect me to sit idly by, you are fooling yourselves.”

Poe spoke up, “Do you know why the bounty on you is so high, Rey? It increased once he became Supreme Leader.”

Rey paused. “Well, I guess I never really thought about it.”

“Do you want to tell her or should I?” Poe asked.

Ben inhaled sharply. “I told the First Order you were the one who killed Snoke. I suspect there would be some who would expect retribution for that act were you to return with me.”

Poe’s eyes narrowed. “You do remember the bounty is alive only?”

“Then that solidifies your position even further.”

Both men turned to look at her expectantly. 

“You can avenge your predecessor by capturing the willful Jedi. Then you turn me. Simple.”

Poe and Ben turned back to each other. Gesturing to Rey, Ben said, “I had nothing to do with this. I don’t like the idea, but it does have merit. And, again, unless we maroon her on a planet without a ship, I doubt either of us can stop her from following me.”

“You’re right about that.” She grabbed both of their elbows and pulled them back towards the rest of the group. “C’mon, we’ve got to make sure we have all of this worked out.”

*~*~*~*~*

After a quick lunch, it was time to head out. While Ben was struggling with the latch on the small hold in preparation to leave, R2-D2 rolled over and stopped beneath the X-Wing.

Ben looked down at the astromech. “What is it, Artoo?”

The droid responded with a short series of questioning beeps.

“Yes, this is Luke’s."

R2-D2 positively erupted with a rush of excited bleeps and whistles.

“Uh - that’s not up to me. I’m okay with it, but…”

Poe came back down the ramp, followed closely by Rey. “Hey - what’s the hold up? We need to get moving!”

Ben cleared his throat and said loudly, “Artoo wants to, and I quote, ‘Go with his X-Wing.’”

Rey turned to Poe. “That shouldn’t be a problem, right?” _Doesn’t Artoo sort of belong to him now, anyway?_

She felt Poe bristle just a little, but he nodded anyway. “Fine with me. Can one of you get him into place? We don’t have a way, otherwise.”

“I’ll take care of it.” Rey headed down the ramp. “This is why we need to replace his thrusters,” she said in an annoyed tone.

Ben stepped back beneath the craft to finish closing things up. R2-D2 rolled up to meet Rey, made a loop around behind her and then raced back beside the X-wing. He paused beside the craft and pulled in his front leg and dropped down into the correct position. Rey quickly climbed atop the craft. Closing her eyes she reached out with the Force, gently picked up the droid and maneuvered him into place.

Ben looked up at her thoughtfully. “You know, I don’t remember Artoo ever having his thrusters. They’ve always been missing as far as I can remember. Luke must’ve hoisted him like that for years.”

Rey lightly patted R2-D2 and said, “Don’t you worry. I will get Rose to find something to work for those thrusters so you can get yourself in and out of these fighters again.” The droid beeped happily in response.

She hopped nimbly down to land beside Ben. “I guess I will see you on Ajan Kloss.”

He reached for Rey’s waist. “You will.”

“Let us know when you drop out of hyperspace, okay? Artoo will know the right frequency.” She lifted up on her toes to press a kiss to his lips and then threw her arms around his neck for a hug.

“I will.” Ben’s throat felt oddly tight. He didn’t want to let her go, didn’t want to be seperated from her for a single moment. Slowly he let her slip back down to stand flat, and dropped his arms back to his sides. He tried to convince his mouth to smile, but only managed a wry half grin. “Go on, before Dameron comes out and yells at us both.”

Rey gave him a bright smile and headed back over to the _Falcon._ After watching her disappear up the gangplank, Ben climbed into the cockpit of the X-wing and was surprised to feel the ship already humming beneath him. The small screen in front of him lit up with a question from Artoo. He noticed that there were a few lights blinking that had not been operational the last time he’d been in this seat.

“Yes, I’m ready.” He watched the navicomputer click quickly over with the route to Ajan Kloss. Ben reached for the controls, but before he could do anything the ship gracefully lifted off of Yavin IV and took to the skies.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I am sorry this took so long.  
> Kudos and comments help keep me going like you would not believe.  
> Thank you to all who are sticking with me. I appreciate it!
> 
> **A big thank you to chagrins for beta reading and brainstorming help!! Find her works [here](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/chagrins).**
> 
> I hope this chapter is somewhat of a distraction from the current INSANITY that is US politics and that pesky global pandemic. 
> 
> Hang on, y'all. Wear your masks. This will not always be the status quo. Take care and stay safe, no matter where you are in the world.


	18. Conversations in Hyperspace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone makes their way back to Ajan Kloss. You have to do something to pass the time in hyperspace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A big thank you to chagrins for beta reading and brainstorming help!! Find her works [here](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/chagrins).**

It was a few hours into the first leg of the trip to Kestis when Poe finally worked up the nerve to talk to Rey about what had been bugging him. She’d been keeping him company in the small galley while he prepared dinner. Lando and Chewie were teaching Finn sabacc in the lounge.

“I have a question, Rey. And you’re free to tell me it’s none of my business, but how well do you really  _ know _ Ben? I've shared some bad moments with people, and afterwards it seemed like we were just destined, but then I realized we…..” he faltered, not sure if this was going to piss her off.

“Look, you two obviously experienced something dreadful on Exegol. Besides that and both being Force users, do you have  _ anything _ else in common with him?” Rey sensed the dread rolling off Poe in waves, but he continued anyway. “Just because you’ve gone through hell with somebody doesn’t mean you can make a relationship out of it.”

Rey paused and considered how best to respond. She was genuinely touched by Poe's concern for her. He still didn’t completely trust Ben and believed she was naive. “I cannot explain to you how deeply I have connected with Ben. But I understand him. In ways that would take me years with someone else. It’s how I knew he would turn his back on the Dark side… eventually.” She  _ had _ been right about the decision, even if she misjudged the timing.

“You’re not helping your case here,” Poe barked at her.

“Yes, there are simple, basic things that I don’t know, but he‘s inside of my soul. And I'm inside of his. It probably sounds trite and stupid, like something out of a bad melodrama, but I honestly don’t know any other way to express it." She stood so she could pace back and forth in the small space. 

"When he was on the other side of the galaxy, I could still see him, talk to him,  _ hear _ him inside my head. I woke up some nights to find him just sitting beside me, watching me sleep.” 

At that revelation, Poe looked at her with genuine concern. “You do realize that’s more than a little creepy.”

Rey frowned at him. “We’ve been over this. The Force connected us, sometimes when we didn’t want it to. Ben and I are  _ attached _ . There is nothing I want more than to get to know him better. It’s that simple.”

"And I know you mean well. I know you're worried that I'm making a horrible decision that is going to get me hurt. Or worse.” Poe nodded and ducked his head.

Rey crossed and kissed him on the cheek. He lifted his head to meet her gaze. “Thank you for worrying. Thank you for caring. But I’m going to be just fine. Ben would rather cut off his own arm than hurt me.”

"And you're sure he hasn't bamboozled you?” Poe asked, waving his fingers near his temples. “Somehow convinced you that you're okay with all of this? Because he  _ did _ kidnap you and try to kill you. It’s not exactly the greatest ‘how we met’ story I’ve ever heard.”

She shrugged, frustrated that he had an excellent point. "Yes. But once we started connecting, everything changed. It is hard to try and kill someone that close to you."

Finn appeared in the doorway. "Everything alright in here?" He looked at them both with suspicion in his eyes, sensing the tension humming in the room.

"Just fine," answered Rey, grateful for the interruption.

“Good. 'Cause Chewie sent me in here to get an update on dinner. He claims he's starving." Finn said with a grin.

Poe chuckled. "Tell him five minutes. It's almost done."

“Great.” Finn turned and headed back down the passageway. 

"Ah… so we're good?" Poe asked. 

Rey smiled. "We're good."

"I'm glad."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Lando’s voice rang over the comm. “Anytime you’re ready.”

<< _ About damn time, >> _ Chewie grumbled. The  _ Falcon  _ was idling, the startup sequence completed just a few minutes ago. Rey was already sitting at the navicomputer, plotting out the course from Kestis to Ajan Kloss. Once they entered hyperspace, she walked back to the lounge.

There were bags covering the dejarik table, and a square box on the floor. “What  _ is _ all of this?”

“Fresh food and clothes, mostly.” Lando was taking off his cape.

“And alcohol,” Finn said with a slight glare.

Lando whirled on the younger man. “Do you  _ know _ how long it has been since I have had darkoma?  _ Years _ . I wasn’t expecting to find any here, honestly. And we were also out of whiskey, which will not do.”

Crossing to the bags, Lando started pulling out clothes. “I bought two different cloaks, so Ben could have a choice. And I think I came close to what he asked for with everything else.”

Rey picked up one of the cloaks, the fine fabric soft under her fingers. Throwing it around her shoulders, she looked down to see nearly half a meter of black pooled on the floor around her feet. “Well, it should certainly be long enough. Thank you for doing this.”

“Glad I could do something to help with this plan. I cannot remember the last time I went shopping for clothes. I enjoyed it.” Behind Lando, Finn and Poe exchanged a look.

“Especially with us playing porter,” complained Poe.

“And I thank you for that. It has been years since I was on Kestis, and I didn’t expect to find the markets had grown so much.”

Lando reached into another bag and pulled out a few bundles. He handed something deep teal to Poe, vibrant red for Finn, and a rich wine color to Rey.

Untying the string, Rey shook out a long dress, finer than anything she had ever owned. “It’s lovely! Thank you.” Lando grinned widely, knowing Ben would think she was radiant in that color.

The guys were each holding a new shirt. Poe’s was similar to his normal style, a line of buttons running up the front. Finn was holding a tunic with a short v-neck and simple raised collar around the back, gold threads embroidered in a delicate pattern all around the neckline. “Both of you could use more color in your wardrobe.”

Finn looked a little unsure. "I don't think I've ever worn anything this bright."

"C'mon, man, try it on," Poe urged.

He turned his back and stepped toward the corner of the room, changing quickly. 

After a moment, he faced his friends. Rey could sense Finn's unease. Poe made a tiny noise in the back of his throat as he looked at Finn, whose skin positively glowed against the vivid red fabric. He coughed quickly, trying to cover it. Lando and Rey shared a glance, both of them reading Poe’s suddenly dry throat for exactly what it was.

“You look good in red, Finn. Real good.” Poe sounded vaguely strangled.

Not for the first time, Rey sensed Poe’s growing feelings for Finn, and they were far more than friendly. She colored slightly. Clutching her new dress to her chest, she quickly said, “Let me go put this away.” 

Poe felt his ears redden and followed Rey down the hall. “Good idea,” he mumbled.

Lando shook his head at the folly of youth and picked up a bag of provisions to take into the galley. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rose was waiting at the bottom of the ramp of the  _ Falcon _ , looking anxious. The sun was just beginning to set behind her. “Well? What happened?! Is he  _ here _ ?”

Rey snagged her by the elbow and said softly, “He’s on his way in the X-wing with Artoo. C’mon, I’ll tell you all about it.”

Minutes later, Rose was sitting on Rey’s bed watching her put things away. “There’s loads of information to confirm, and Ben thinks that a proper slicer could still get quite a bit out of the  _ Supremacy _ . He’s going to give us all of his codes. He also doesn’t think anyone with the First Order would have any idea he’s defected. Soooo….” She turned to face Rose. “He and I are going to the First Order.”

“What? You’re going where?!” She looked horrified.

“There are rally points. We’re going to find one and rejoin their fleet. The goal is to capture the training ship that collects the children.”

“Oh, Rey. That’s - do you really think that could work? Won’t they know who you are? There’s a bounty out for you. A  _ big _ one.”

“I know, but…” She paused as Rose’s comlink went off. 

Pressing the button, Poe’s voice echoed over the tiny speaker. “Rose, we need to have a chat. I’m in my office, do you have a minute?”   
  
“I’ll be right there.” She clicked off her communicator and waggled a finger at Rey. “We are not done with this. It's a crazy plan!”

“Which is exactly why it will work - who would expect it?” Rey responded. 

After Rose left, she found herself thinking,  _ It will work, won’t it? _ Nervousness made her stomach flutter. She rolled her shoulders and focused on cleaning up her quarters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The hum of the X-wing’s hyperdrive engines was soothing to Ben’s nerves. He let his mind drift, reflecting on the wild series of events that led him to this point. About halfway to Ajan Kloss, he finally gave voice to the question he’d been considering for hours. “Artoo, what do you know about Darth Vader?”

A soft, mournful noise echoed over the speakers, and the screen did not provide a translation. Finally came the actual answer.  _ < < More that I want to.> > _

< < _ I met Anakin when he was still a young boy. I had accompanied Master Qui-Gon, Jar Jar Binks and your grandmother to Tatooine. I watched him fly a podracer and win his freedom. Anakin was a sweet child. Who, much like you, did not want to leave his mother to train with the Jedi.  _ > >

Ben felt a wave of sadness drift over him. The Jedi had ripped children away from their parents just as the First Order did. It was not right.

_ < < Several years later, I was Anakin’s astromech for most of the Clone Wars. He was the most incredible pilot I have ever flown with. I watched him marry your grandmother. I was on Mustafar when…> > _ Another small, sad moan came over the speakers. 

_ < < ...when he assaulted Padmé and then fought with Master Obi-Wan. I thought he died there. It might have been better if he had, though it was several years before I realized what had truly happened, what he... became. I was there when your mother and uncle were born and your grandmother died. Without Anakin, she simply didn’t want to go on. I questioned the medical droid thoroughly but there was no valid biological reason for her death. > > _

Ben had seen holovids of Padmé Amidala. She looked so young. How tragic. “Why didn’t my mother ever tell me he was my grandfather?”

_ < < I don’t know. Perhaps Lando or Chewbacca would have more insight. But you must remember that your mother and Luke were the heart of the Rebellion in many ways. This put them in Vader’s crosshairs. Frequently. > > _

_ < < Just before the destruction of Alderaan, Leia was captured by the Empire. She spent hours with an interrogation droid. > > _ Ben shuddered, horrified at the thought of his mother facing torture. _ < < Later, on Bespin, Darth Vader captured both your parents. I cannot say exactly what happened there as I did not have enough time to properly consult with the city’s central computer. > > _

_ < < I am sorry I cannot tell you more. > > _

Ben watched the blur of hyperspace spin past the viewscreen, contemplating the countless questions he needed to ask what was left of his family. How much had been hidden from him over the years.

After a few minutes of silence, Artoo beeped.  _ < < May I ask you a question? > > _

“Of course.” Ben steeled himself. This was not unexpected, Artoo was absolutely the most curious droid he had ever encountered.

_ < < What happened at the Jedi Temple? I know what I saw. I know what Luke told me. What is your perspective? > > _

Ben sighed. He was afraid this was the subject Artoo wished to discuss. 

“I’ve thought about that night so many times. I awoke with Luke standing over me, lightsaber blazing in his hand. He had the wildest look in his eye, almost as if he was out of his mind. I was afraid he had finally come to kill me. I swung, our sabers collided and then I pulled the roof down on our heads.”

Ben felt the tension gathering along his spine, remembering the rapid spiral of events that followed. “I climbed out of the wreckage, terribly confused. I was so angry at Luke.” 

“Then the skies turned red and… and lightning struck the Temple, causing the generators to explode.” He didn’t remember reaching for the Force that night, didn’t remember drawing down lightning. Hadn’t even realized that such a thing was possible at that point.

“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. But I did anyway.” Ben screwed his eyes shut against the memory of the bodies of his friends lying broken in the debris. 

“The flames were too intense for me to get in to help. Voe, Hennix, and Tai arrived and tried to stop me from leaving. They didn’t believe me when I told them Luke had tried to attack me. I honestly thought I had killed him. I took the  _ Grimtaash _ and fled.”  _ And then marched right down the path Palpatine laid out for me, murdering my friends, and turning my back on my family. _ He pulled his emotions in tightly, not wanting Rey to sense them. This had been his choice. He didn’t deserve her sympathy or her concern. “What happened after I left?”

Artoo made a mournful noise.  _ < < Luke was inconsolable. He accounted for each of his students, and was so glad that Hennix, Tai, and Voe were not there. What became of them? > > _

“Tai died when the former leader of the Knights of Ren snapped his neck. Voe and Hennix… I killed them both. Hennix was an accident, but Voe...” He closed his eyes and shuddered at the memory. “I challenged the leader of the Knights of Ren. We fought. He lost. I cut Voe down moments later using his blade.”

Ben shook his head, trying to control his emotions. Tears had gathered in his eyes. This was the first time he had ever spoken about that to anyone. It felt horrible to say. Why had he chosen to join them? Tai tried to reach him. Had they been alone… Who knows how things might have played out. But the darkness would still have been whispering in his ear. 

“What happened next?”

_ < < After burying the dead, Luke went to see your parents. > > _

Surely Artoo would have been present for the rest of it… “How did my parents take the news?” Ben blurted it out before he lost his nerve. “That I had attacked Luke and my fellow students?” His hands had already started curling into fists, anticipating the answer.

_ < < They were stunned. Leia asked if he was absolutely sure about what happened. Luke nodded. She was stoic, but clearly angry. > > _ Artoo hesitated.

“I need to know exactly what happened. Please.” He knew Artoo saw everything.

_ < < Han was livid. “I trusted you.” It appeared he was going to strike Luke. Your mother stopped him, and that’s when he began to yell. “I trusted both of you when you said this was where Ben needed to be. And now we’ve lost him. And all of those parents have lost their kids, too.” He then left the room. > > _ Though it did not come through in the on screen translation, the tone of Artoo’s voice was filled with sorrow. 

Ben gave in and let the tears roll down his cheeks as he listened.   
  
_ < < C-3PO was filled with endless questions when I encountered him the next day. He could not believe you would ever do such a thing. Luke was never quite the same. A few days later, we left Chandrilla, to tell the other families. He felt it was important to handle that face to face as much as possible. Once that task was done, he began searching for the original Jedi Temple on Ahch-To, and told me to stay with Leia. Your father left not long after. > > _

Scrubbing at his wet cheeks, he forced his voice under control. “For whatever it’s worth, Artoo, I’m sorry. So much happened that I regret.”

_ < < I watched Anakin give in to the dark side and let it destroy his life. Unlike Anakin, you survived, and are trying to make amends. Take comfort in that fact. Your mother would be proud of what you are trying to do. > > _ At that, Ben felt a sob bubble up in his throat. 

_ < < Perhaps you should try and get some rest. It is well past nightfall on Yavin 4, and it is likely you are weary. Should you still be sleeping, I will awaken you before we reach our destination. > > _

“I think you’re right. Thank you, Artoo. Thank you for telling me the truth.”

_ < < Of course. I have traveled with your family a long time. You can ask me anything. If I possess the answer, I will gladly share it with you. > > _

Ben leaned his head back, oddly comforted by the silver swirl of stars above his head.  _ Would his mother be proud? _ He hoped so. The First Order  _ would _ fall. He would make sure of it, even if it took his last breath.

He gathered himself and tried to meditate, hoping to calm down before sleeping. Desperately hoping to avoid nightmares. Instead of falling into meditation, he seemed to blink, awakening hours later to a soft trilling sound. He looked at the screen. “We are five minutes away from our jump point destination.”

Ben watched the silvery whirl of hyperspace outside the view screen dissolve back into individual stars. Ajan Kloss hung suspended before the ship like a deep green jewel against the black. No wonder Rey liked it here.

Would they shoot him out of the sky when he asked for clearance to land? He would have to identify himself. Would they know him by the transponder? It was still broadcasting. He blew out a shaky breath, trying not to worry. Had that been Poe’s plan all along, he never would have let him take Artoo. His father’s voice echoed through his mind, entreating him to come home.  _ But what she stood for, what she fought for... that's not gone. _ Perhaps he could find a place here, a new purpose.

It took Ben a moment to get out of his own head and realize the sublight engines sounded markedly improved. “Have you been working on the ship the whole way back?”

_ < < Of course, though she needs far more maintenance than I can complete in hyperspace. Luke put this ship back in water, didn’t he? If he were still here we would have words. > > _ There was a brief pause.  _ < < You will tell me if he appears, won’t you? > > _

Ben blinked, momentarily stunned. “What? How do you know about…”

_ < < Rey asked me to scan the Jedi texts for safekeeping. Some contained passages written in languages contained within my programming. > > _ He gaped, and shook his head.

The radio crackled to life as a feminine voice asked, "Red 5, Red 5, do you copy?"

He pressed the button and answered, "Yes, tower. Red 5 over."

"You are expected. Sending landing coordinates now."

He looked at the screen as Artoo made a chirp. 

"Thank you, tower. Coordinates received."

As they entered the shadow of the planet, he realized it was sometime deep in the night. Ben was amazed at how much better the ship handled with Artoo in the astromech slot. The ship cut cleanly through the atmosphere, popping out above the edge of a small mountain range.

Ben closed his eyes and reached through the link to find Rey groggily coming out of sleep.  _ I’ve just hit atmo. _

Rey found herself nodding even though he probably couldn’t see her at that moment.  _ They just notified me. I’ll be there to meet you. _ As she slipped from the Bond, he heard her mumble to herself,  _ Pants and shoes. Find pa- _

He smiled widely. Hitting the comm he asked, “Tower? What is local time?” 

“0230 hours, Red 5.”

“Thank you, Tower. Red 5 out.”

Beneath them there was someone with lights guiding him to an open landing spot. The ship settled down effortlessly. “Are you ready, Artoo?”

_ < < I will be by the time you reach the ground and gather your belongings. > > _

“It will take a minute to get the crane over to extract your astromech,” said the groundman.

“There’s no need, Sal, I’ll get it,” Rey’s sleepy voice came from nearby. Ben turned, seeing her walk out of the semi-darkness, hair a delightful tumble. Two obvious guards were about three meters behind her, blasters on their hips. One was a blond human, the other a blue skinned Twi’lek.

“If you’re sure, ma’am,” Sal eyed him warily, looking back at the accompanying guards, but stepped away.

Ben sighed. He’d hoped they had moved past this. Rey approached him and took his hand. The skin on skin contact brought her emotions into sharp focus. She was thrilled to see him, delighted that he had made it safely. She was also irritated with Poe for the guards’ presence.

“Gather your stuff. I’ll get Artoo down,” Rey said, with a gentle squeeze to his hand and then she let go.

Once the droid was back on the ground, Ben leaned down and whispered, “Thank you for talking to me, old friend. I appreciate it.” He patted the astromech on top of his dome. “I’ll see you later, I hope.”

R2D2 let out a cheerful series of beeps.  _ < < You will. I feel sure of it. > > _ Then he rolled off into the darkness, in the direction the groundsman had gone.

A few minutes later, after stopping at a ‘fresher, Ben and Rey were walking to her quarters, hands intertwined again. The guards stopped about four meters from her door. She turned and asked, “Is this  _ absolutely _ necessary?”

The Twi’lek guard shrugged. “We have our orders. We’re just an escort. Protection for everyone.”

Rey rolled her eyes and slammed the door, grumbling under her breath. Her annoyance rolled through the Bond in an angry tide. Ben had dropped his bags and bedroll in a corner and was glancing curiously around the room. “Am I in here with you for tonight?”

“You are. Is that okay?” Her nervousness skittered into the Link.

Sitting down on the chair Ben asked, “That depends - is it your choice, or theirs?”

Rey’s face stilled, and her eyes looked a little sad. “Mine.” She took off her boots and tugged down her cropped pants, leaving her in a three quarter sleeved tunic that hung just past her hips.

He stared hard at her, pushing at the Bond to get her attention. “I don’t want them to force you into  _ anything _ because of me.”

She sighed, and smiled softly. “I know. And they’re not. I  _ want _ you staying with me. It’s not only where I like you best, but also where I know you’ll be safe.”

“C’mon, it’s late. We’ll talk more tomorrow.” Crossing to the bed, Rey sat down and waited while he stripped off his boots and tunic and changed into sleeping pants.

Once he was done, Ben walked up and stood in front of her. The skin of her thighs was dusky in the lamp light. He swallowed hard and pushed the rise of desire down and away. She was exhausted, and it was the middle of the night. He was still determined to have a conversation with her before things progressed further, despite the insistent demands of his body. Pushing against the tug of the Bond, he pulled back into himself just a little.

Taking his hand, Rey drew Ben down beside her into the bed. Rolling away from him, she pulled his arm around her midsection so he had to cuddle up behind her. Once he covered them both and turned out the light, she grabbed his hand again and pressed a gentle kiss into his palm. Ben’s breath caught at the feel of her lips upon his skin. Then she tucked his hand under her breasts along her rib cage like it was the most natural thing in all the galaxy. Closing his eyes, he focused on spaceship schematics, desperately trying not to remember what her breasts looked like when she peeled her tunic off on Yavin.

Ben felt her breathing quickly even out as she fell back asleep. He spent a while savoring the sensation of her curves pressed against him and staring into the darkness, wondering at his incredible good fortune. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry this took so long. The holidays and the endings/beginnings of semesters do not leave a lot of time to write.  
> I adore your kudos and comments. They help me remember why I do this.  
> Thank you to all who are sticking with me. I appreciate it!
> 
> Hang on, y'all. Wear your masks. This will not always be the status quo. Take care and stay safe, no matter where you are in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Upon further consideration, I think I would have liked for it to happen this way....
> 
> I have been genuinely struggling with the question - is he redeemed without his sacrifice?  
> I don't want him to go - far from it. But that willingness to throw himself on the grenade....
> 
> Did he think himself the hero all that time? (Now, I think that answer is no....)  
> Redemption cannot automatically equal death.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @serafines. I would love new friends.  
> If you like this fic, feel free to share links to it on Tumblr or Twitter or wherever.
> 
> I am VERY new to this particular ship, though a very long time SW fan (which is why I lost my frigging mind at Han's death in TFA). I have loathed Kylo for two movies. I watch TRoS and it blew me away.


End file.
